Gooch_Taylor

Who's that?

I took the bint to see Slipknot and Machine Head December before last... Doesn't work out so well when she's got uni, so you leave late, get past Stoney before realising you left the tickets at home in Inverurie, in the drawer you keep your porn in. Even worse coming back through Aberdeen during rush hour to meet your dad who retrieved said tickets and meets you in Bucksburn... We got there just after Machine Head left the stage. She was NOT happy!

Stay out of my pool!

He was working the next day and they kept a tally on the whiteboard at reception of how many times he was spotted going into the toilet. Think it was 13 during an 8hr shift, but that could be exaggerated, cause I was in bed with a hangover at the time. We never told him for about 4 or 5 months cause his mum was mates with our boss...

Spoke to someone I used to work with earlier and remembered what I did to him when his mum started letting him go out drinking with the guys at work: Offered a bar of chocolate around the other guys (who were in on it) then our victim. Thinking he was being clever, he broke off 8 of the 10 squares on the bar and scoffed it, not knowing it was chocolate laxative. A little later, we checked the dosage instructions and discovered it was one square a DAY you were meant to take. We proceeded to get him mangled and pissed ourselves laughing at our in joke all night - even "fuelled him up" with a kebab at the end of the night. He was shitting through the eye of a needle for three days...

Heheheh! Her going off in a strop... sure it was a dream? LOL! (she'll make me pay for that...) Think I may have to NPS on that tho...

She may kill you for that...

HUGE things, MASSIVE things... could fit an entire Polish family in them...:O

"What happens when you let retards have children"

One hell of an advert for anal lube tho! "I got my whole fist in there!" "Amateur - check out what we can fit up his shit pipe with a liberal application of some It Only Bleeds The First Time, from the new range of sex aids from Johnson & Johnson.

Think I'd have about 20 quid by now - the perils of having brown hair and a ginger beard.

A mate of mine started working at the pool in Inverurie whare I worked a few years back. Told him there was too much hot water in the deep end and too much cold water in the shallow end. Cue 30 mins of him taking buckets of "cold" water from the shallow end, walking up poolside and emptying them into the deep end to cool it down. Same guy also spent an hour filling out a form we'd made up, using a stopwatch to test the accuracy of both Speedo clocks for times of 5secs, 10secs, 15secs and so on up to two mins, taking three readings for each and working out the average. He had such a proud look on his face when he walked into the area manager's office to hand over his hard work...

A few years ago, I was sharing a flat with this guy, who brought a mate from his work to stay at ours for new year - he ended up living there for about a week and a half while we proceeded to throw a two week party, costing us all over a grand each. About a week into this, our mate staying on the couch boned my flatmate's ex girlfriend's older sister on our living room floor... and in the bathroom... and in my flatmate's favourite chair, leaving a massive cum puddle on the blue throw he had covering it, seeing as they'd only used a rubber the first time. Next day, he went to work for a bit and we turned the throw over, leaving him to blissfully sit in cum dribbled out of his ex's sister for the remaining 8 months on our lease. To add insult to injury, we also hid the one condom wrapper that had been discarded under his pillow, so he thought she'd then been boned in his bed... He didn't notice it untill waking up the next day after he'd brought a lassie home the previous night. Cue rage in front of some girl he'd just met. Score two for evil!

I used to have a goo shooter - was pretty much the same thing as the "cum gun" it shot green slime that was supposed to be snot. Still got it in the loft I think, but don't have any goo-powder refills, so only works as a water gun now As far as the toys that make you gay go, my older brother - cunt - had the Bumblion thing hahah

Thought it would be a laugh (and potential source of inspiration) to have a thread where people post details of pranks they or someone they know have either pulled or failed at, comical occurrences and generally dumb shit they've done. I've done some majorly dumb shit, so if this thread goes anywhere, you'll all get a laugh. My first offering: Not mine, so a weak start, but you gotta start somewhere - a couple staff at a pool which shall not be named decided to do something truly diabolical to a complete arse who worked with them. Stealing a bottle of his prized BBQ sauce that he coats every meal in, one guy took it to the toilet, where he filmed himself having a tug into it, mixing it in nicely and putting it back in the staff fridge. Bottle was empty by the end of the week.

People I despise getting themselves into all kinds of shit that could lead to them being either tranferred or fired. Either way - out of my hair

must spread... the actual joke's funny, but the guy's face at the end for some reason makes me laugh like I've just seen a fatty fall off a bus

Man... with all this negativity, people'll begin thinkin we're all moody bastards who hate our jobs... Just imagine if other people hated their jobs too - we'd constantly have to put up with people doing their jobs badly, hampering OUR enjoyment of the time spent away from our hell-hole places of employment, making US miserable cunts who are too focussed on being miserable to do our shitey jobs well enough for other people's standards, making them miserable cunts, who are too focussed on being miserable... my head hurts...

Complained to Vodafone cause I couldn't text and got a free upgrade and my bill cut in half... Wouldn't say no to free money tho

To be fair, I'll agree with you and I know that a fuckload of people will no doubt cry out about civil liberties being breached of anyone does ever make a serious attempt to introduce said restrictions. The only parrallel I can come up with is when the RSPCA takes someone to court over animal neglect, they're often banned from keeping animals for life. Put it into to child neglect/abuse terms and a stipulation of the sentence should be forced sterilisation. At least, that's what I reckon

This thread needs reviving dammit! Question - who's gonna win and how? Griffin or Little Nog? Rampage or Rashad? Chuck or Franklin? Discuss

True - bus stops and lambrini will always have the edge on common sense!

Nugget of wisdom from the midden - Starship Troopers had the right idea: they not only had to earn citizenship, but they had to be issued with a license to have kids. Hence the quote "I wanna have babies and it's a lot easier to get a license if you're a citizen" or something like that.

One more example of why birth control should be mandatory until such time as you prove you can actually cope with/raise your kids properly.

HAHAHA! To be honest, the staff were ten times funnier at the pool I used to work at, but that's mostly cause there were over a thousand kids a week doing swimming lessons there and pretty much all the male staff were constantly on the perv for yummy-mummies. Oh - and watching the Anna Kornikova lookalike through the gym windows or on the CCTV. Had one guy who worked there walking round the pool once during swimming lessons and got distracted by a woman breast-feeding in the spectators area. He was watching her instead of the pool or where he was going and walked into the high chair, then fell in the pool next to all the kids - was fucking hilarious! Oh - and the guy with the really bad stammer who we all kept asking to cover reception so he'd have to answer the phone. People kept hanging up on him by the time he'd finished saying hello. One of the funniest things ever watching him try to teach a class of kids how to swim.