Nicky Ca$ino

Barmen of the Year don't die, we just regroup in hell. I've been secretly working on recreating Drakes in my bedroom, making manniquins of the staff and some of my fav. punters out of turnips (for heads) and drain-pipes (for limbs), pretty soon I won't even need the real world no more. P.S. Shhhh, don't tell the Duchess.

I couldn't help thinking about Beaker from The Muppet Show as I watched that.

Although I prefer Columbo, Quincy is quids in: Columbo is shorter (I'm sure), has a glass eye, is a smoker and Quincy can call on the martial arts training that Sam must have taught him at some point. For all your X vs. Y needs, go to http://www.googlefight.com/. Try it, you might like it.

If it werent right there in front of me I wouldn't believe it. I'm speechless (typeless?)' date=' how could you possibly write something like that you you [i']Lando?

Last one, I promise. (To Bernard Matthews) Dear Mr. Matthews, I recently witnessed a televisual advertisement for your brand known as 'Turkey Ham' and was struck dumb with incomprehension and a growing sense of outrage, what exactly IS "turkey ham" and how is it made? Do you feed turkeys pig-offal to imbue them with a rich, piggy flavour? If so, I will certainly not be purchasing said product now or at any time in the future, it saddens me to think that so many of my friends died in the war (WWII) protecting this country for it to come to this. Yours sincerely, Nicholas J. Seth Dear Mr Seth Thank you for your email regarding our Wafer Thin Turkey Ham. As we trust you will appreciate, the term 'turkey ham' is used to identify the product only. We then use a full product designation on the pack to fully describe the product to show what it is made of, as below:- Turkey Ham:- Formed from selected pieces of cured and cooked turkey with added water, milk protein and starch. In fact we use selected turkey leg meat, which is cured to taste like ham. No Pork is used at all in this product. You may be assured that we speak regularly with our local Trading Standards office specifically to check that our products meet all of the legal requirements regarding the description and list of ingredients. Wafer Thin Turkey Ham was launched over 10 years ago and is our most popular cooked meat product selling tens of thousands of packs a week. We trust the above answers your query. Kind Regards Karen Anthony I don't like this Karen woman.

Justice has no gender.

Mad props right back at'cha, Lieutenant.

I do this quite a lot, in fact it's the only reason I watch T.V. anymore. I decided on adding the twist of being a slighty mad/lonely World War II veteran as people are more likely to be kinder towards me and actually send a reply. (To DairyLea) Dear sir/madam, I am "emailing" you to find out what exactly the cow is laughing at, the only other time I have heard of a laughing cow was when one of my squadmates tried to plead insanity to be excused from fighting in WWII, needless to say it didn't work and we gave him the traditional fate all cowards deserve. Thanking you in anticipation of any reply, Nicholas J. Seth Dear Mr. Seth, Thank you for your recent inquiry. Dairylea no longer produces dairy products. In the late 1980s, we sold our manufacturing facilities and the brand name Dairylea to the HP Hood Company. In certain geographic areas I do believe they still market a limited number of dairy products under the Dairylea label. Regarding your question about the "Laughing Cow" cheese, I have found some information on the Laughing Cow for you -- simply follow the link below. Have a great day. http://www.museedelapub.org/pubgb/virt/mp/vachequirit/ (From Walls) Dear Nicholas, On 15 March 2005, you wrote: Walls Standard Contact Request: In re. your new sausage advert (the one where the dog mauls the man for the sausages), although I approve of the advert in general, it is rather humerous, I do have a problem with it. I would like to know why the dog went for the man's throat instead of the sausages, surely this conveys a negative message about your sausages for the dog had many oppertunities to release his death-hold on his owner's throat and snaffle some sausages, as we all know dogs lurve sausages, love them so much in fact that it's the only human word they've bothered to learn. Also, do you have any advice on how to terminate wild dogs should i ever find myself attacked by one mid-sausage? Yours, Nicholas J. Seth I am glad that interpreted the advert in the humourous manner in which is was intended. The dog is actually meant to be going for the plate of sausages and not the actor!! The film was designed to be funny and entertaining, so it is shot in the style of a cartoon. For much of the film we have made it obvious that a puppet replaced the real dog. There are strict industry guidelines regarding the use of animals or any kind of violence in advertising. These are enforced by the BACC (Broadcasting Authority Clearance Centre) who were consulted and approved the idea at every stage, from script to final advertisement. Thank you for visiting our website and your valuable comments which have been passed to our Marketing department. Regards Tracey Bampton (Also Walls) Dear Nicholas, On 22 March 2005, you wrote: Walls Standard Contact Request: Dear sir/madam, I recently saw your newest televised advertisement in which a man cooks sausages in a microwave oven. After I had overcome my feeling of astonishment at the sight of seeing a man place sausages into a microwave oven to cook, I felt a certain sense of outrage take hold of me at the severe attack the dog made on it's owner. According to Rolf Harris, a correspondent of mine, and Steve Irwin, whom I am similarly in contact with, attacks like that are so rare as to be virtually unheard of and not actually anything to worry about. Unfortunately I did not receive this information soon enough to prevent me from having my dog, Admiral Theodore Peanut, destroyed. Though he was my faithful companion since before the war (WWII) I felt that the risk was too great as my wife (Mrs. Seth) and I are quite partial to sausages. In spite of that tragic misunderstanding I have to confess to enjoying both your sausages and advertisements greatly and hope to see (and eat!) more in the future and I do not hold you in any way responsible for the death of the Admiral. Thanking you in anticipation of any reply, Nicholas J. Seth Thank you for your 'interesting' contact. I was pleased to hear that you enjoy both our sausages and advertisements and certainly hope you do continue to eat more. Please accept my condolences for Admiral Theodore Peanut. Should you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us again. Regards Tracey Bampton I think I love Tracey Brampton, she listens to me and understands.

What I'd like to know is why The Emperor ordered the jedi killed and not just stunned, he could've sucked all those luvverly midichlorians (pah!) out of their bodies and injected them into himself, increasing his force-power manifestly.

Rob, you have no idea how relieved I am to read that, it's answered so many of my own and the Duchess' questions.

Sorry sir. I guess it's Loki you Odined my eyes in time to the folly of Norse related puns.

"Thor bag-dame"? Is that like some kind of... I can't even imagine what it could be, what is it? In re. my last post, I intended to expose the comic similarities between the name Thor and the word 'sore', when said with a lisp, with high-larious consequences. I can see that the consequences were not, in fact, high-larious.

First place on The Fudge Blacklist (dun dun duunnn!) Go on Brian show him who's boss, you don't have to take that kind of abuse from the likes of him.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida: Iron (I can't believe it's not...)Butterfly

Don't worry your pretty, little head about it honey-bunch-sugar-pie-dumpling-fairy. You will be contacted should the need arise. Be ready for it.

What's a nine-letter word for "fun"? C-r-o-s-s-w-o-r-d!

Here's a tip I picked-up during my bass-playing days (God, I love hyphens) to help with streching your fingers: get a rubber-band and put it 'round the tips of your fingers and just splay out your hand, the rubber-band gives you some resistance to work against improving both strenth and "stretch-fret-speed"©. Use thicker bands as your strenth improves, might not get you what you're looking for but it'll give you fingers like a ninja. *Death-touch*

Personally, I have no idea, but I thought I owed it to my former employer to generate more interest in the D.L.S.(S.) forum.

*Cough* I have no idea what you're talking about. *Cough* I have no idea what you're talking about either.

HEY! You take that back! I had no choice but to go on the lamb, the heat in that city was just getting too much. Are you sure Cannon-ball Kev has left? You better kick the toilet door open again just to be sure Direktor Jim.

Shouldn't this be in the 'Comments and Suggestions' Forum? *snort-giggle*

Right-on! (Did you just post this to show-off? If Yes: Right-on! If No: For shame!)

Who was competing and who won?