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[Birdman]

A little while ago now, I bought a packet of Wheat Crunchies from my works upstairs vending machine and noticed that there was a competition: We believe that Wheat Crunchies is the NOISIEST snack on the market. If you know of a competitor for sheer loudness, e-mail us at noisy@wheatcrunchies.com.

I still believe that a coconut, when chopped into segments, constitutes being a snack, so I e-mailed them:

Dear Mr Noisy,

I believe that a coconut it a louder snack than a bag of Wheat Crunchies for several reasons.

First of all, to open a coconut you require a significant amount of force or a power tool, both of which create extremely noisy scenarios, especially when you compare it to other snacks.

Seconds of all, as with every time I try and have a coconut, my anger boils over - since it's delicious interior is kept so rigidly enclosed by the forces of nature, soon wild outburst attempts such as throwing the coconut up high or against a rock begin to take hold. As my actions become more and more primitive, so do my body actions, and a succession of grunts, sniffs and moans can be heard from myself in my tasty coconut quest as I wander around.

As with every human being on Earth, a vision drawn from my sanity comes into play and it soon becomes apparant that I require assistance in my coconut endeavour. So in comes the power tools! Operating anywhere from 500 to 4000 Watts of power, these tools have a natural knack for being noisy buggers.

And finally, after all else has failed, the coconut begins to falter as I drill down on the hardened shell with an excessively powerful drill bit - more accustomed to destroying a concrete foundation to penetrating a fruit, and with a wild laugh that's mixed with both merciless anger and delirious happiness, the coconut shell splits open and I cradle the fruit in my arms like a mad man. Careful not to spill the precious juice I've tried so hard to obtain over the past 1 - 5 hours, I pour it into a small glass, disappointed as always at the quantity, and use the breached layer of shell to continue on, soon breaking off a layer large enough to cut out the interior and consume the coconut.

So as you can see, Wheat Crunchies company e-mail destination reader, this is why I believe Wheat Crunchies to be only the SECOND loudest snack around.

Regards,

and the very next day I got a reply:

Hi,

Does a coconut count as a snack?

Regards

Brad

Consumer services

So, they weren't sure if a coconut was an authentic snack. No problem - a quick e-mail should sort it all out for them:

Mr Brad,

Evidence suggests anything that can be consumed that would keep one's appetite at bay may be justified as a snack. Similar sized fruits that you could regard as a snack would be such delights as Watermelon and the delicious pineapple, though, like the coconut, would naturally be consumed over a number of days.

As such, I believe you have a minor standpoint in your Wheat Crunchies defence. Although the initial frustration and turmoil of opening a coconut is indeed supreme over all snacks, the proportion of the product of "noise", as is the argument here, would be layed out over several helpings.

I believe the below graph indicates this without bias:

As the graph clearly exhibits, the level of noise from the constituent parts in serving 1 alone, a coconut would easily beat that of a regular bag of Wheat Crunchies, even over a period of seven helpings!

Regards,

and that's where it ends, really. unfortunately the people at Wheat Crunchies either didn't take my proposition seriously, or perhaps they don't give a shit.

Anyway, might I suggest a follow up e-mail to the little input I have already sent.

ANY evidence for my theory or other theories welcome.

[Craig B]

I open them by just dropping them on the floor.

[Birdman]

I open them by just dropping them on the floor.

Then what do you do with all the industrial tools?

[Sue Denim..]

I always thought that a Smiths Square Crisp was noisier than Wheat Crunchies but who knows. Now that you've thrown a coconut into the equation I'm never going to get any sleep.

[Sue Denim..]

I feel like writing in saying that as a cannibal, I find human flesh the noisiest snack. The last 'snack' screamed with a volume of at least 70db until I finally got the lid on the boiling pan of fat.

[Davey_sc]

Genius. I hear resounding cries of 'too much time' however.