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succubitch

Earthquake In Torry, Aberdeen

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SUBJECT: EARTHQUAKE IN TORRY, ABERDEEN

"A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale hit Aberdeen in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Torry, Aberdeen.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering Fit I fu#k wiz at min and Did ye fu#ken feel at min. The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately 30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of Historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Grampian News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 8 said It was such a fu#ken shock min, ma little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin. Ma youngest two; Tyler Morgan and Megan Storm slept through it a min.

I wiz shaken when I wiz watchin Kilroy the next morning min

Apparently though looting, car muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Benefit Books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretcher.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is the most sought after, the most needed include Fila or Burberry Baseball caps, Kappa Tracksuit tops (his and hers), Hilfiger Shell Suits (Female), white sports socks, kicker boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include microwave meals, tins of baked beans, Pot noodles and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22 p buys a Biro for filling in the compensation forms; 2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. 15 will pay for a packet of B&H and a bag of smack to calm the nerves of those most affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the site of Posh housing is unfair on the population of Woodside, Logie, Northfield, Seaton, Froghall, Kincorth, and Tillydrone"

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False Alarm.

Torry insiders report that Toy were in the Torry Youth Project music studio and this has been cross referenced as the cause of the distubance.

But there are still the aformentioned victims of the blast in need of the suggested aid.

More news at 11....

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