discotron

Annoying, food/clothes stealing flatmate being away on holiday for 10 days. Glorious!

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

What king of cheese doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

Bahahaha

It's a great joke. One of my favourites, right behind the Daddy Long Legs joke.

Get it told.

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

I'm clearly a bit simple, that one set me off as well.....................more shit/funny jokes please!

I'm actually tempted to just give him a penny to see what he says/does. In fact, thats exactly what I'm going to do.

Bet I never see the fucker again now.

He always asked me for a pound for a "hot roll".

He gets braver and braver as the days go by..............

Buy a chew?

Do you even get penny chews these days? If he managed to collect ten pennies he could buy a mix up

I just got that homeless guy who's looking for a meal, as I was carrying my lunch back to work. I told him I got mine from Boots and there's plenty of good sandwiches left, and barged past him. I wish that rotter would remember my face and never speak to me again.

He is SUCH a pain in the arse. I got him two days in a row last week. I like how after he asks about places to get food, he asks for 'a penny' to help him out. What the fuck are you going to do with one penny you moron? Eat it?

What's got 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

Actually pissing myself laughing at my desk. This joke is shite, yet hilarious!

Not totally true.....some of them are called 'the accused'..

Ah yes. Don't forget Cousin Guilty.

OH MY GOD. This is terrifying.

Junkie minks.

Went to get a chinese takeway last night, opened the shop door to almost stand on a can of Tennents Super in the middle of the floor. Junkie couple are standing at the counter, separating a humongous pile of 10 and 20p's into pound piles (counting out loud in that horrible nasal junkie voice). Great, I'm fucking starving, and these arseholes are paying for a bag of chips with smush. This goes on for ages, so I take a seat until the fuckers are finished, to notice blood running down the girl's leg from a suspicious tiny dot. Nice. EVENTUALLY they finish counting their change, only to fuck off out of the shop with their can of Super and a wad of notes. I'm wasting away from hunger, and these cunts are changing their coins into notes!! There's a bank about 20 seconds down the road you dicks!! Dealers clearly don't like exchanging smack for pocket shrapnel.

Do they have real first names or just all called THE?

I think they're all called 'A'. At a get-together, they're 'The'.

Simple names for a simple family

Maybe she's John W...

Heeeeey, I'm not being THAT creepy, am I?

(again, sorry John )

Yas. This is going to be really fucking awkward when I actually find out who you are.

Hahaha, only if I mention it. I can't decide what would be more amusing, that, or carrying on with the mystery..........

(I'm a bit of a sad bastard, aren't I?)

I'll keep my eyes closed the WHOLE time. Honestly.

Well if you insist.................

Thanks, wanna have sex?

I'm going to have to decline, I'm afraid, as it would mean you'd figure out who I actually am, and I wouldn't be able to fry your brain with my posts on this thread whenever I see you

I work on your street, every weekday. You probably know what time and I arrive and leave to within 5 minutes so that you can stand at your window with your Durex Play Mint and sandpaper glove, you torture wank weirdo.

Bahaha. Teabags, you are hilarious.

(sorry John).

In that case you should phone them at 4am every night.

Good plan. Maybe a few days of 4am phonecalls telling him to stop joining every bastarding Facebook group going will do the trick............

I liked it better when it was a shit hole and all the chairs were torn and it had that ace green sofa round the walls downstairs. It was never the same when it got all poncey.

They should change the Holburn back to the Flare & Firkin.

Wow, I forgot all about the Flare & Firkin! Had some cracking nights in there as an underager.

And I agree, the Wild Boar was much better back in the green sofa days. Went for food there a month or so ago and it was horrendous. And the atmosphere was shite. Bah.

My current pet hate with regards to social networking sites is those Facebook groups that are called things like "You have to see this picture to believe it!" and then if you click on it you have to become a member of the group to see the picture. What's the purpose of those? See how many people I can get to join my pointless group which they'll join, look at the picture and then leave the group again.

Same here. Someone on my friends list just joined about 15 of these groups, the most recent being 'I sleep with my mobile next to me'. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! And don't get me started on Farmville/Mafia Wars/Garden World, etc...............

papa pizza - epic, that is all

Oh god, I second this. Best pizza in aberdeen, bar none.

Working in a supermarket, we have to be mindless drones where the customer is always right. I feel it's perfectly within my right to tell the bastards to behave, but if a customer complained (which they definitely would) i would be fucked.

If its in the interest of the kid's safety, then surely your manager wouldn't mind you telling the ignorant pig of a parent to keep an eye on her kid, or telling the child itself to stop doing whatever its doing? Just don't mention or show how much it's pissing you off and you'll be grand

Working on Morrisons King street we get the scum of the universe walking through and my god. Bad parenting comes in all forms of humans. The people who appear well off and brought up well are on par some of the worst parenting as the chavy scum i've seen. I'm not a parent and i'm not saying i would do a knock out job but we all know fine well what not to do with kids.

One particular example was 2 kids, possibly twins, very young. Each were creating chaos in their own fashion, one was trying to tip over a pile of baskets, the other was trying to open up the cupboard underneath the conveyor belt where the pc for the till is kept. The mum? completely ignoring/possibly oblivious to them doing anything. I tried to suggest she kept a closer eye of her kids without sounding too patronising or whatever. she said "yeah i'll deal with them in a second" and carried on going through her purse. what the fuck?

This kind of shit fucks me right off. Having worked in busy restaurants for the past couple of years, it's opened my eyes to how ignorant some parents are. Why would you let your kids run around/lie in the middle of the floor when waiting staff are storming past with roasting hot plates/skillets/coffee cups, etc? It's just asking for a fucking scalding. And no doubt they would sue the fuck out of the place if it happened, rather than blame their own ignorance. Thankfully my last boss advised us all to 'feel free to tell the little bastards to get back in their seats, they're not in a playground'. Which I did MANY a time.

Oh, and Foxy Bingo. Fucking smart-arse fox cunt.

All fucking bingo adverts piss me off. When are they going to create Minky Bingo? I bet the advert for that would be cracking.