Marillionboy

I was in an exam at school once and we had an invigilator who was a teacher who had only recently joined the school who none of us knew.

About half an hour in a kid called Mark turned round and asked someone if he could borrow a pen. The teacher politely advised him to keep quiet as it was an exam.

About half an hour after that he turned round again to ask if he could borrow another pen as the other one had run out.

The teacher again reminded him to keep quiet.

Mark took the second pen and I watched him start to write and realise in fear that this one wasn't working. He sat looking worried for a few minutes then turned round and tried to silently gesture to anyone nearby he had nothing to wite with.

Out of nowhere the new teacher said "Right you fuck off."

He burst out laughing out of surprise and nervousness. The teacher very matter-of-fact continued "no you cunt it's not funny fuck off go on."

After he'd bundled him out of the door he closed it and quietly said to himself "wet prick."

He looked like Jaspar Carrott but was a fuck of a lot funnier. As well as being frightening.

Fucking brilliant thread.

Ironic that they win a South Bank Show Award just as they get cancelled.

I thought the low key end to series 3 was great...how many blokes have done what Mark did and are as a result unhappily married...

Series 2 I think on balance was the best. God Nancy was gorgeous.

Benefit fraud is one of those things that I just can't lose sleep over. If you are on the scraphead I can't blame people for taking society for all it's got. It makes bugger all difference to the man in the street, investigating benefit costs far more. Daily Mail readers go on about where their taxes go but never seem to pretest about it going on bombving the shit out of other countries where as a result babies are being born with cancer.

Well they only came for the oil, although the documentary is hilarious for showing The Oil Wives Group, possibly the most condescending gathering in human history.

Curious point. I've just watched a documentary from 1974 about Aberdeen when oil was first making its impact on the city. At that time there was an enormous American invasion and many bars changing to become American themed. The American presence on the streets in the programme is huge.

Despite this, in my entire time in Aberdeen I've never met an American resident there except the odd student. Is this just me or was there some sort of American exodus?

Bloc Party and Kasabian are consicuous by their absence...

This one has haunted me for years: bank teller twigs he's about to be robbed so nicks the money himself and pins it on the robber who then persecutes him to hand over the money. It baffled me because it started out pretty good and exciting and lapsed into being a sort of kooky caper and then in the last twenty minutes gets very nasty indeed and includes the heroine being decapitated in a fish tank! I kid you not!

Anyway I've identified it at last: anyone else seen this oddity? It's called The Silent Partner??

http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0078269/

This bastard show is sucking me in. I've never been able to bear Edmonds since he left Swap Shop behind and became this self-righteous purveyor of toss middle class tv, and Deal or No Deal is a show which is simply a random chance guessing game stretched out for 45 minutes and badly directed. Half the time he has his back to us and it's a very awkward set up. Yet it's damned addioctive.

What I love is his final address to camera, that "we'll be back tomorrow...I think you'll be there".

Assured.

In a similar vain to Hog's choice, I'd say some of the stories in Ewan Morrison's recent book THE LAST BOOK YOU READ are great Scottish short stories, especially Fuck Buddy and Re: Your Ad.

George Mackay Brown though is for me the best short story writer ever.

In the horror vein, I think Ramsay Campbell's Being an Angel is a gem, and for ghosty chills AJ Alan's The Dream, TH White's Soft Voices at Passenham and MR James The Stalls of Barchester Catherdral are terrific.

Lovely pics, where were they each taken from?

Happy New Year to yous Flash and Laura. I'll be up in a week or so. You serving Deuchars yet....?

Hope 2005 has been good for you and that 2006 is even better. Best boozer on the planet.

Gallons of water will flush it out of your system quicker. Just water water water, and just keep pissing it all away.

If your nose is really streaming, blow blow blow it non stop and eventually there will simply be less of the stuff blocking it up!

I saw again, WATER! Colds can't be cured, only eased while they run their course, but they can be speeded on their way a bit.

That title sounds like an echo of a certain something else...Sophie have you been lending them copies of Foxtrot?

Stay thin by skipping tea tonight. Cheese and crackers is the way to trouble!

Yep count me in.

But Cloud, him being popular with women means nothing. George Michael, Rock Hudson, Dirk Bogarde....do I go on?

Still not managed to see Stellastarr live great band!

A pint of bitter in my case.

The Moorings is the one and only. Cocky Hunters that is no more was wonderfully cosy. The Prince of Wales is now sadly a chav pub...I really want to like Ma's but the staff are rude and the beer usually tastes revolting.

I had probs too, I called them and they sorted it. VBascaooly I kept getting a server prob where it said "error 721" and wouldn't connect. They told me to unplug the two leads from the modem restart it and plug them back in and try it when the two lights to the left lit up: it worked.

Then I had password problems and ran a health check which said there was a prob with my connection. I got annoyed and went to the pub. When I came back it was fine.

Rubbing your hands together in the process no doubt.

For what it's worth I hope they don't do a reunion anyway, as there are plenty of tribute bands playing those early songs better than I think they would now.

Is he a cunt because he makes God awful music or is that a coincidence?

I can genuinely say that I am not jealous of Phil Collins for his success/money. There are plenty of musicians who are much more succesful/wealthy who I have tremendous respect for' date=' say Paul McCartney or Elton John. They seem like decent blokes. However, here are ten sound reasons to hate Phil Collins:

1. Playing both Live Aids and feeling very pleased with himself about it.

2. Playing all the instruments on the "Both Sides" album just to show off (even though he can't play guitar and his keyboard/guitar simulations were awful).

3. Miami Vice

4. "Discovering" world music about 15 years after Paul Simon and Peter Gabriel, and releasing a Graceland knock-off. On the plus side, that seemed to kill off his career, record sales wise, so it wasn't all bad.

5. Yes, we know you played the Artful Dodger in Oliver. Stop going on about it at every available opportunity in an attempt to paint yourself as a loveable, cocney, cheeky-chappie. Beacuse you're not.

6. Tarzan, although it did lead to the hilarous post-awards reaction from South Park's Trey Parker & Matt Stone ("I can't believe we lost to Phil Collins") and subsequent ridicule in South Park

7. Dumping his wife by fax and shagging his nanny

8. He, along with his Genesis co-horts (Gabriel excluded) bought a sizeable section of Mull. They allowed the planting of thousands of non indigenous pine trees that managed to turn the land into an acidy swamp that nothing could live off.

9. The lyrics to Another Day in Paradise

10. Buster[/quote']

Jesus some folk are sad! Going on to PG's site just to confirm there is no reunion planned. I don't go on to Michael Bolton's to find out if there's any danger he might be touring.

As for this Collins is a C*** thing: yawn yawn. He never shagged his nanny, that was actually Chris de Burgh, so get your facts right. He never dumped his wife by fax either: if you choose to live your life being gullible enough to fall for second hand tabloid headlines then that's your loss.

He was asked to play both Live Aids by the artists in question. I can't for the life of me see how only playing one of them or both has any bearing on whether he's a C*** or not. Next thing you'll be perpetuating the remour that he "ruined" Led Zep's set.

As for acting issues, he turned down Miami Vice saying "I'm not an actor" which isn't exactly "going on about Oliver all the time". He agreed to a one line cameo only to get there and find it had been rewritten into a major role which he enjoyed and led to other work, including, unfortunastely, Buster, which he's actually pretty sound in if a little overeager. The problem is that the film is repulsive and he wa naive to say the least about it. I would have thought being booted out of the Princes Trust due to the tabloid furore over it was punishment enough.

He never bought any of Mull. You're confusing him with Tony Banks.

None of the reasons you listed excluding the ones that are factually inaccurate are sound reasons for hating him. Meet him and make your own judgement maybe? Of if The Sun or whoever told you to stick your hand in a fire would you believe that too?

John Lennon was according to countless sources homophobic, anti-Semitic and violent on occasion. George Best repeatedly drove a car pissed out of his head. Great blokes huh.

Oh and don't tell me, you probably think PC is a Tory too don't you.

To me he's a good drummer, end of. Wouldn't choose to listen to his sdolo stuff or his Genesis stuff with him singing much either. But I don't get up an hour early each day so I can hate him more either.

I actually fancied one of the Conways. There, I've said it.

I absolutely love Peep Show, and was delighted "the Johnson" returned last night. I've been slightly disappointed with series three so far but last night's one was magic. "Oh no, that's it, oh I'm annoyed now" was priceless, along with "I could hit him, oh he's gone."

Much as I admired his debauchery, this bloke was done umpteen times for drink driving, the last time being last year. Yes he had an illness, but he could have got a cab. Sorry but he was a footballer, not a bloody missionary. Just because 40 years ago he was a talented player doesn't mean he warrants this much attention: plenty of people without repeatedly driving a caar out of their faces and nearly killing people in the process have to wait years for treatment like he got.

Oooh get me.