Lemonade

If my office was a TV program it would be Extreme Bullshit: Racism Edition.

I'd like to tell you all about the time my wife rang Setanta Sports to cancel our subscription, and the guy wouldn'… https://t.co/VUvVaBMhgs

Raced through countryside to get to McDonalds Elgin in time for breakfast. Arrived just as they wr about to turn the posters round. #winning

Achieve the trendy "just got out of bed" hairstyle by just getting out of bed. @TwopTwips

Took a tour around the Aviemore / Carrbridge area today. Some truly breathtaking scenery.

Sneak preview: this song is going to be Kirsty and I's first dance at our wedding! http://t.co/2kY68hGfib @ZooeyDeschanel @mwardtweeting

I'm visiting whisky country (Moray/Speyside) so tonight had Glenfiddich, Glen Livet and Aberlour. Also viewed wedding venues.Happy times :-)

Does Michael McIntyre ask any actual questions on his chat show or does he just mug for the camera and act like a dick?

Want to stir sugar into my cappuccino but don't want to mix in the chocolate. #firstworldproblems

Is there a gay porn film called "School Of Hard Cocks"? If not I'm making it.

Miss Piggy sounds weird.

checked-in to Hedigans, The Brian Boru [photo] http://t.co/vXPo5j2iys

Signs you're getting drunk: when "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club comes on in the bar and you're like "yeah! This song rules!"

Quorn bacon and cheddar cheese sandwich on toast with ketchup. Champion.

A few new additions to the playing card collection. http://t.co/Ld4mt5u4hc

Downloaded Dante's Peak and Hudson Hawk. My Sunday night is going to RULE.

Tomato soup then a yoghurt - with the same spoon. FUCK THA POLICE.

Imma switch yo bitch to white meat.

RIP Ultimate Warrior. Great to see him back in the WWE family over the weekend. Such a bizarre ending to it all.

Skinny Malinky lang legs, umbrella feet. Went to the pictures and couldnae find a seat.

I've noticed I say "survice" now instead of "service". A little hint of Irish creeping into my accent.

Not even joking, I genuinely am. Look. http://t.co/Ri8CIOSE0L

"Man that's a fucking deep hole, I better close it off in case I WAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!" #minecraftproblems #minecraft