maths

[The Ghost Of Fudge]

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an individual, later

discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a

flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide

rule, and a calculator.

Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the

notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons

of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire

average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent

in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with

names like "X" and "Y", and, although they are frequently referred to as

"unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are

part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great

Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every

triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had

wanted us to have weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more

fingers and toes."