Lambchop

God I could murder a Cadbury's flake

But then I guess you wouldn't let me into Heaven

Or maybe you would, 'cos their adverts promote oral sex

A Romany bint in a field with her paints

Suggesting we faint at her beauty

But she's got Dickie Davies eyes...

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Dickie Davies Eyes, ACD, 1988.

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If I had agrophobia

And if I had claustrophobia

Trapped

Inside my porch

Things would be bleak

Especially midweek

Your weird dreams don't impress in any way

In dreams weird things are mundane and everyday

Strange to me would be

Buying a loaf and coming straight home

Try and get your @rse downtown next week

They're gonna prove once and for all

To the LTA, ay ay ay

That Tim and Greg are not golden boys

They are in fact automatons

I've seen the chips and wires

And the circuit boards

Reservoirs are colder and deeper than you think

Well 'Stop, wait a minute Mr Spokesman'

You don't know what I think

Is your lake about, hmmm now let's see

One hundred miles deep

And ninety below?

From Half Man Half Biscuit's San Antonio Foam Party, Cammell Laird Social Club, September 2002.

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He walked up to the patio chair where his father sat.

"Father?"

"Yes, son?"

"I want to borrow your golf clubs."

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Footprints, This Leaden Pall, October 1993.

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When I had my loft

Converted back into a loft

The neighbours came around and scoffed

And called me retro

But they are the types

Who never used to go to the match

Until the family thing got big

In the late 80s

Dad's a steward in the stand

Brace of comps in his hand

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Friday Night and the Gates are Low, Some Call it Godcore, 1995.

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They came for the palmists

But I wasn't a palmist

So I did nothing

They came for the bungee jumpers

But I wasn't a bungee jumper

So I did nothing

They came for the players' agents

But I wasn't a players' agent

So I did nothing

They came for the Charles Manson fans

But I wasn't a Charles Manson fan

So I did nothing

They came for the reflexologists

But I wasn't a reflexologist

So I did nothing

They came for the camp TV chefs

But I wasn't a camp TV chef

So I did nothing

They came for the Romos

I laughed

They came for the martial arts enthusiasts

But I wasn't a martial arts enthusiast

So I did nothing

They came for the Eammon Holmes

And I think I'm right in saying

I applauded

They came for the fire-eaters

But I wasn't a fire-eater

So I did nothing

They came for Dani Behr

I said "She's over there

Behind the wardrobe"

Turn a blind eye

Sometimes it's best to

Turn a blind eye

Sometimes its best to...

A re-write of the famous speech by Pastor Niemller of the Anti-Nazi Resistance Movement (Berlin, 1939). From Half Man Half Biscuit's Turn a Blind Eye, Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral, June 1998.

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No. 1 in Britain and successful in the States

So round the table me and label bosses contemplate

You've got to get a second home and hang with Chrissie Hynde

And get yourself some raybans, before you know it's time for your

Eno

Eno Collaboration

All across the nation

Sure as night follows day

I know Bono

And he knows Ono

She knows Eno's

Phone goes thus...

"Brian's not home

He's at the North Pole

But if you'd like to leave a weird noise..."

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Eno Collaboration, Eno Collaboration CD single 1996 & on Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.

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The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope

The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope

The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope

And the Pope said to his aide...

"Who the f*****g hell are Slipknot?

"Who the f*****g hell are Slipknot?

"Who the f*****g hell are Slipknot?

In relation to me getting out of bed."

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Vatican Broadside, Editor's Recommendation, June 2001.

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To the tune of "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain".

There is surely nothing worse than washing seives

There is surely nothing worse than washing seives

With the possible exception of being Garth Crooks

There is surely nothing worse than washing seives

Do you switch the kitchen light off with your chin?

Do you switch the kitchen light off with your chin?

When you're holding tea and toast and there's no-one else about

Do you switch the kitchen light off with your chin?

When you're down beside the lake you're bound to hear

When you're down beside the lake you're bound to hear

When you're down beside the lake you're bound to hear somebody say

"Careful now, that swan could break your arm."

Well, before the gods that made the gods were born

Yes, before the gods that made the gods were born

Yes, Before the gods who made the gods woke up and made the gods

That's when you got into

That's when you got into

Yeah, that's when you first got into the Manics

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Lock Up Your Mountain Bikes, Look Dad No Tunes, September 1999.

Henry Rollins, Henry Rollins

You're hard, you're hard

Big Jimmy Nail, big Jimmy Nail

You're hard as well

Sainsbury's security

Like I'm dead scared

Oh what a frightening world it can be

Lenny Henry, Lenny Henry

You're funny, you're funny

Jenny Eclair, Jenny Ecliar

You're dead funny too

Deayton, Baddiel, Anderson, Brand

Oh, I've just split my sides

Oh what a funny old world it can be

Mariella Frostrup does loads of voiceovers and not much besides yet she seems to get by.

Is this New Labour Mr Blair?

Is this New Labour Mr Blair?

If this is New Labour Mr Blair

If anyone needs me I'll be over there

From Half Man Half Biscuit's You're Hard, Four Lads who Shook the Wirral, June 1998.

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Bubble perm

Ever since your bubble perm

I've gone ex-directory

Should you ever need me

Swivel chair

In your leather swivel chair

You can turn your back on me

Leave me in the out-tray

She's a main man in the office in the city

And she treats me like I'm just another lackey

But I can put a tennis racket up against my face

And pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki

Mary, O Mary

Quite ordinary

Tell me how does your CD collection grow

With Sade and Whitney, Vandross and T'Pau

Everything's A.O.R

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Everything's A.O.R, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt, 1991.

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I shout all my obscenities from steeples

But please dont label me a madman

Im off to see the bootleg Beatles

As the bootleg Mark Chapman

From Half Man Half Biscuit's When the Evening Sun Goes Down, Cammell Laird Social Club, September 2002

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He swallowed every last pill

And he lay back on his duvet

A Haliborange overdose

Is perhaps not the right way

To oo-ooh

To kill yourself

Me and my girl, sealclubbing

Me and my girl, out on the ice

Me and my girl, sealclubbing

Me and my girl, how nice

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Sealclubbing, Back in the D.H.S.S, 1985

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I could have been like Lou Barlow

But I'm more like Ken Barlow

from Half Man Half Biscuit's Lark Descending, Editor's Recommendation, CD single June 2001

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