Lambchop

January 12, 2007

Tickets are now on sale. WooHoo!

January 12, 2007

I'm happy, I'm happy

And I'll punch the man who says I'm not!

November 30, 2005

The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope
The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope
The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope
And the Pope said to his aide...
"Who the f*****g hell are Slipknot?
"Who the f*****g hell are Slipknot?
"Who the f*****g hell are Slipknot?
In relation to me getting out of bed."
From Half Man Half Biscuit's Vatican Broadside' date=' Editor's Recommendation, June 2001.
hmhb.co.uk[/quote']
You'll find all the CDs on hmhb.co.uk and Geoff'll send you them by post if you drop him an e-mail - much cheapness cf Virgin etc.

November 30, 2005

thanks for all the posts/lyrics' date=' the last one made me smile big time[/quote']
My pleasure! Glad you enjoyed them. I could keep on going, if you like... Requests also considered, although some of the lyrics are incredibly obscure and hard to make out, but I'll do my best.
They never disappoint. Another belter from Tranmere's Finest
Thoroughly enjoyed Mr Cynic's set too - Cheers

November 23, 2005

To the tune of 'Hosana to the King of Kings'

Give me Love, give me Can, give me Meatloaf

Give me Rush, give me Marquee Moon

Michael Ball or The Fall, I could listen to them all

In the twilight of the afternoon

Irk the purists, Irk the purists,

Irk the purists, it's a right good laugh

Irk the purists, Irk the purists,

Irk the purists at the back

Hall & Oates, Random Hold(?), Miles Davis

Patti Smith, Simply Red, Sly Stone

Be they false or 4 real, I don't care and nor does Neil

Just so long as we can hear their song

Irk the purists, Irk the purists

It could well be an Olympic sport

Irk the purists, Irk the purists

If you haven't then you ought

Husker Du Du Du, Captain Beefheart, ELO

Chris de Burgh, Sun Ra, Del Amitri, John Coltrane

Irk the purists, Irk the purists

Come on now boy, you know it feels so right

Irk the purists, Irk the purists

Irk the purists tonight

From Half Man Half Biscuits Irk The Purists, Trouble Over Bridgewater, April 2000.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November - That's TONIGHT folks!!!

November 22, 2005

They come from underneath the stairs

Into my room but no-one cares

Theyre on the bus and on the train

Theyre knocking on my window pane

Oh Mother, telephone the nurse

Cant you see its getting worse?

I close my eyes and still it seems

Everybody in my dreams

Gubba Lookalikes

I wake up screaming in the hall

I didnt mean to wake at all

I run and lock the bathroom door

Turn on the taps and out they pour

Through all the villages and towns

A thousand sandy coloured clowns

I try n escape down private drives

And then I reach the Readers Wives

Gubba Lookalikes

From Half Man Half Biscuits Gubba Lookalikes, Trouble Over Bridgewater, April 2000.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

November 21, 2005

I feel like a beggar accepting alms

Then being pelted with figs

I study my steadily declining chart placings

They greet me with freezing cold inhospitality

Hey, where did that bloke go who said I was vital?

I possess the mild air of a retail tobacconist

Thats because Im a retail tobacconist

But the mayflies on a Berkshire trout river

Would probably tell you a different story

About ham-fisted diadems and momentary daydreams

Of mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats

In the room festooned with fat beef certificates

From county shows

Duff leg Bryn had drank too much again

Most of Wyn was steering clear of him

Ive got no time for this 12th consecutive Rosebowl

Cos on Sunday next at ten to four

Ive got an invitation for

A trip around Katherine Hamnetts warehouse

Followed by dinner with David Emanuelle

Who I cant wait to tell about my dream

In which the almost illegal Elton Welsbys

Dressed as a French maid on a moonless byway

Licking his lips as he creeps ever closer

Fast falls the Eventide

The public appearance of bitter ex-soap stars

Who thought that they could go on and do other things besides

The centre courts amusement at the ball-boys mishap

That bobbing up and down thing that they do at the Proms

Opinionated weather forecasters telling me its going to be a miserable day

Miserable to who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts

Channel 4 presents Blow Job

Introduced by Adrian and Sophie Horn

Who is, of course, one bloke with a pierced dick

Whos just had the nod from Planet 24

Hear him say surreal, bizarre, sad, git, yes indeedy,

Completely and utterly, footy, anorak and respect

Before whipping the audience up into doing the Time Warp

Watch him take us live to The Queens Arse in Firkin

Where Joseph Bloggs and his Amazing Technicolour Shellsuit

Are about to abort their Steely Dan routine

And instead embark upon fifteen minutes of mantra filled oompah

Fifteen minutes of mantra filled oompah

Adrian stroke Sophie wants us, the viewers, to ring in

And say how we think the punters will react

These are a few of my favourite things

Im incredibly bored with the word Millennium

Im with the Jehovas Witnesses

Millions now earmarked will later be wasted

Her Majesty, marvellous, Mother the Musical

The fireworks lighting up the Houses of Parliament

Death in Trafalgar Square, death in the armchair

Clichd old spinsters whove never been loved

Every day is Australia Day

Sons & Daughters and Home & Away

And then the news comes on and the sound goes down

Because she cant be bothered with all them politicians

Theyre all just a bunch of flaming drongos

She died with her telly on, 87 and confused

And theres not enough hospital beds cos all the moneys been used

On the End of the Century Party preparations

And they reckon the last thing she saw in her life was

Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican

T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee

T for Thatcher, that girl has made a wreck out of me

[Yodel]

O-ld lay-ay-dee labelled me an idle

Layabou-ou-ou-out

From Half Man Half Biscuit's A Country Practice, Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral, June 1998.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

November 17, 2005

We're hardly the fruit form a well tended banana tree

We're hardly the Bayeux in rock's rich tapestry

We were like two rubber ducks that passed each other in the bath

I can sound like Wally out of Crossroads

She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey

Alex Haley was adopted

That's what's called a disappointment

When England won the World Cup back in 1966

Wembley must have been a sea of smiles

I think Kenneth Wolstenholme summed up the moment really well

When he said 'Just look at Nobby Stiles'

She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey

Alex Haley was adopted

That's what's called a disappointment

Well, they're still cremating Hattie Jacques, I'm not surprised

Come on now, let's face it, she was fat

It usually takes forever trying to burn the grossly oversized

Who would ever want to look like that?

She had a face that could launch a thousand dredgers

I could never get her on my portable TV

She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey

Alex Haley was adopted

That's what's called a disappointment

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Carry On Cremating, ACD, 1988.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

November 16, 2005

I dream of occasional fanzine mentions

I've been to one too many David Lynch conventions

I play postal chess with a man who doesn't know me

I've got a better frown than Tony Iommi

And I've got a 4AD3DCD

A 4AD3DCD

And I'm on a Foundation Course

Formed a band and had loads of good songs like

Bloodfroth Tuesday, Pancake Candyshoes

Got a good guitarist but he's got a sad barnet

Kiss Cream Carnival Lime Sky Spooky Pills

It's me 4AD3DCD

Me 4AD3DCD

And I'm on a Foundation Course

Playing eerie madrigals

On the campus egg-slicer

I'm a pop sensation

I'm an all round icon

Thank God Cardigan Laugh Crash Sunday School

Kiss Cream Carnival Lime Sky Spooky Pills

The flotsam, the jetsam

The cherabim and seraphim

On my Foundation Course

You're the Man Ray!

It's me 4AD3DCD

Me 4AD3DCD

David Dundas got no rock cakes

It don't worry me none, bro'

From Half Man Half Biscuit's 4AD3DCD, This Leaden Pall, October 1993.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

November 14, 2005

do i detect an aknowledgement toward Robert Lloyd in your copy/paste lyrics. Oh how they have kept us amused & revitalised our interest in a cult classic band that JP was right to champion.

Sorry, I'm not familiar with Robert Lloyd. As for the copy/paste, it is difficult to find any lyrics so I'm afraid that I do it the old fashioned way - listen to the tune and type out the words. (You know - write the theme tune, sing the theme tune etc. - I'll get me coat!) I'm most grateful to Gez for the References on hmhb.co.uk though as there are some which are fairly obscure and whose meaning I wouldn't have had a scooby about.

Glad that you're enjoying them, lowball!

November 10, 2005

One way system, smooth and commendable

Go by bus, they're highly dependable

The swings in the park for the kids have won awards

The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords

But what's a park if you can't see a linnet

A timetable if your journey's infinite

My bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minute

For what is Chatteris without you in it?

Car crime's low, the gun crime's lower

The Town Hall Band's CD, it's a grower

You never hear of folk getting knapped on the bonce

Although there was a drive-by shouting once

But there's a brass band everywhere

And I don't drive so I don't care

As a Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square

What is Chatteris if you're not there?

Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants

Weaver's cottages devoid of tenants

A market town that lacks quintessence

That is Chatteris without your presence

What is Chatteris if you're not there?

I may as well be in Ely or St Ives

From Half Man Half Biscuit's For What Is Chatteris..., Achtung Bono, August 2005.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

November 9, 2005

Hi Lambchop' date='
I'm hoping too. I saw him last time he was here (April 2002) and he was amazing.
As far as I know it's being looked into at present.
Fingers crossed....[/quote']
WooHoo!!!

November 9, 2005

It's the year 2163

Chester Barnes has risen from the dead

And he's coming round to creosote the fence

And I for one feel spartan and monastic

As the drama unfolds on the lawn

There's a wager between the staff and me

That Barnsey can't complete the job before

I take my final Stannah up the stairs, to the stars

Papal entourage, give us a song

Sssshhhh!

Granddaughter doesn't want to know

Ever since she got into the charts

Ask her what perfume she wears

Self Righteous by Anita Roddick

The doctor overrates me in my room

And with the regularity of doom

A geezer with a doubleneck guitar

Comes and tells me Tales from Topographic Oceans

Papal entourage, give us a song

Sssshhhh!

From Half Man Half Biscuit's This Leaden Pall, This Leaden Pall, October 1993.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

November 8, 2005

On the subject of wish-lists, I see that Julian Cope's touring next February. Any chance of getting him up here? Saw him at the Liquid Room a couple of years ago - a thoroughly magical experince.

Pretty please.

With sugar on top.

November 4, 2005

The A is for my authority which many players seem to question, thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind.

B is for babies, which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way.

C is for the continual criticism I receive from the touchline GET BACK IN YOUR TECHNICAL AREA!

D is for the dunderheads who seem to think we have a conspiracy against their particular team.

E is for the eerie silence, which echoes around the ground when Ive booked a home teams player and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it.

F is for the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there.

The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 90,000 a week and reckons he should have had a throw-in.

H is for handball. Which has to be intentional, and very rarely is. If only people would study the rules more.

I is for innocence. Pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger.

J is for Ju-Jitsu. Which I quite intend to display given a dark alley and some of the narky blurts Ive encountered.

The K is for the kissing of the badge. How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another club.

L is for lip reading. At which you dont have to be an expert to see how odious some people are.

M is for the mistakes we sometimes make. Surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal.

The N is for the numbskull who during the Boxing day game asks me what else I got for Xmas besides my whistle an afternoon with your wife, mate!

O is for offside. Which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been.

P is for the penalty shoot out. Great drama and no pressure on me.

Q is the quiet word which I sometimes need to have with some of the more fiery participants. I usually choose the word pleat.

R is for running backwards. A difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate.

The S is the suggestion that I should show a card to an opponent, by a player who has been awarded a free kick. He himself is more in danger of getting one for that.

T is for the 21 man brawl, which is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving.

U is for the umpire which I sometimes wish Id been instead. You never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the b@stard in the hat

V is vitriol, vilification, vendetta and volley of verbal abuse.

W is for Walter Pigeon. Whos Mr. Griffiths in How Green was my Valley I might have begun to sound like during this song. Where was the light I thought to see in your eye?. He says that to a young Hugh played by Roddie McDowell

The X! The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by a swarthy Portuguese defender who Ive just dismissed.

Y is for Yate. The kind of town refs come from.

And the Z. Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff, even Zondervan but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work. Without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs, and without refs well ZERO.

See also Zatopek, Zeus, and Zeal Monachorum. I had a caravan there. Static, naturally.

From Half Man Half Biscuit's The Referee's Alphabet, Cammell Laird Social Club, September 2002.

hmhb.co.uk

November 3, 2005

Telephone call

Telling me my old friend Graham had died

I took a ride

Down to where I

Could be of assistance

Said to his wife

Dont give in to grieving clich and turn

His side of the room

Into a shrine

It just doesnt work

And over my shoulder

Gently I told her

Dead men dont need season tickets

Now that hes gone

Youre going to need a helping hand with the lawn

Various chores

Not least of all

Those funeral arrangements

If I were you

Id get yourself away from all that relates

A week in the lakes

Reasonable rates

Early September

Now Im no hotelier

I just thought Id tell yer

Dead men dont need season tickets

Maybe Im forward

Maybe Im morbid

Dead men dont need season tickets

In the mortuary

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Dead Men Dont Need Season Tickets, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.

hmhb.co.uk

October 31, 2005

My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount

What am I supposed to do?

I'm up the creek and never mind the paddle boy

I haven't even got a canoe

I sold my soul to an arctic roll

I went to hell on a red skidoo

I did the Shake 'n Vac

And broke my f***in' back and

Now my library books are nine weeks overdue

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The patron saint of Llandudno

Patron Saint of Llandudno who?

Tony Bastable

You scratch my back

And I'll scratch yours

And I'll be in heaven before you

I love you because you look like Jim Reeves

From Half Man Half Biscuit's I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves), Back In The D.H.S.S., 1985.

hmhb.co.uk

October 27, 2005

Draggin my guitar 'round maternity ward

I was in search of the umbilical chord

But it was all in vain

So I jumped on a train

And when I reached my home

The kids were on the patio

Looking quite upset

So I asked them what was wrong, and they said

In there

There's an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house

In there

An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house

Some man

Who introduced himself as Stanley Rous

Came in

And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house

Talking to a girl on the South coast of France

She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance

Then on the last night as (we departed) Marseille

She said Robin Askwith was funny

Oh God, how I long for a dangerous wave, so I

Could surf myself towards an early grave, I would

Rather talk to plankton than to dance with you

I hope your plane back home's a DC10

Oh God, how I long for a dangerous wave, so I

Could surf myself towards an early grave, I would

Rather talk to plankton than to dance with you

I hope your plane back home's a DC10

To stop your curiosity I dug up Logie baird

And I asked him what petrified forests see

To make them all so scared

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Albert Hammond Bootleg, Trumpton Riots E.P, 1986.

hmhb.co.uk

October 25, 2005

The second best time I ever had

Was when they asked me and my Dad

To organise a festival

Along the lines of Donnington

We took Chirk Airfield as our site

Booked the bands we thought were right

Received the long-range from the Met

They said it could be very wet

With this in mind we thought it wise

To call the whole caboodle off

The best time that I ever had

Was when we didn't tell the bands

Boob Boom Boom

Let me hear you say hosepipe ban

From Half Man Half Biscuit's A Shropshire Lad, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.

hmhb.co.uk

October 24, 2005

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revalation

Don't keep calling it the Book of Revalations

There's no 's', it's the Book of Revelation

As revealed to St John the Divine

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