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Lames to Fame


ca_gere

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I met Peter Andre years ago during the Mysterious Girl era first time around, i shook his hand and he looked at me for all of 3 seconds.

I met Billy Dodds and Ducan Shearer when i was a ball boy in primary school, both seemed like absolute dicks.

I sat in front of big Eck at the Man Utd game at the start of the season and asked him why he wasnt playing, he just laughed, i expected some banter.

I also stood less than a meter from Ryan Giggs that night for a second.

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At a festival a few years ago, I stumbled out of the tour bus I was on, to take a shite after a very hard night of partying. Just wearing a pair of pants, I went for a very large jobby in the lockable shower/toilet backstage. I passed out for a while in there and when I finally awoke, I opened the door of the shower block to a small queue. At the front of the queue was one of the proclaimers. He took one look at my dishevelled, barely dressed state and asked if I was ok. I then stated I was indeed ok, but after the mess I'd just left in the loo he would be wise to walk 500 miles from here.

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Guest Giles Walker

A very long time ago, i had saved up enough money to buy a 'Destroy' tee shirt that i had seen some cool kids wearing a few years prior and i snuck into town to try to find and purchase said shirt.

I went into a shop i thought looked like it would sell that sort of thing, and asked if they sold that particular brand, they didn't. Nobody did any more because that was how fashion worked it turned out.

A man standing next to me, who had been chatting to the assistant turned to me and said "Forget about Destroy, that brand is over. It is all about 'Joop' now" I had a glance at a 'Joop' tee shirt, it had a flower on it and looked a bit too effeminate for my tastes. I said as i left "I'll remember about Joop pal" and he replied "and remember who told you"

When we were outside i asked my friend who that guy was and he informed me that it was Robin Galloway.

I am not sure if i have ever actually told that incredibly tedious story before.

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A very long time ago, i had saved up enough money to buy a 'Destroy' tee shirt that i had seen some cool kids wearing a few years prior and i snuck into town to try to find and purchase said shirt.

I went into a shop i thought looked like it would sell that sort of thing, and asked if they sold that particular brand, they didn't. Nobody did any more because that was how fashion worked it turned out.

A man standing next to me, who had been chatting to the assistant turned to me and said "Forget about Destroy, that brand is over. It is all about 'Joop' now" I had a glance at a 'Joop' tee shirt, it had a flower on it and looked a bit too effeminate for my tastes. I said as i left "I'll remember about Joop pal" and he replied "and remember who told you"

When we were outside i asked my friend who that guy was and he informed me that it was Robin Galloway.

I am not sure if i have ever actually told that incredibly tedious story before.

airplaneSkeleton.jpg

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Around about 1994 I bumped in to Mark Morris of the Bluetones after their Aberdeen gig. I informed him that I loved his No 1 hit 'Return of the Mack'

I once called TV's Shane Ritchie a dick, for no real reason.

On a night out in 2004 I accidentally stumbled into a man in Blu Bar who looked a little bit like Chad Kroger. I apologised then hit him with 'It's not like me, to say sorry' to no reaction.

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I was on a bus with my girlfriend and she saw Craig Ferguson at the side of the road. I missed him. Also I was in a pub with my girlfriend and Louis Walsh walked past the window. I had my back to the window and missed him. I'm beginning to think my girlfriend is playing a funny game with me. ie "Oh look there's Bono! Oh, too late you missed him"

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  • 2 weeks later...
She nearly killed Jack Bauer? That needs explanation.

I had to get the full story from her the other day because I had remembered it totally wrong. In 2004, she and some friends were drinking at Brass Monkey in Edinburgh. When the pub shut, they decided to go to Stephen, the designated driver's, flat. They got into his car, but there were too many of them so my sister and her friend were in the boot space (with that cover removed, so they could sit up). On George IV Bridge, Stephen slammed on the brakes and my sister looked up to see this guy in a kilt right in front of the car as he'd just stumbled onto the road. He did that sort of drunken apologetic wave to the car and it was then they realised that it was Kiefer Sutherland.

ksutherland.jpg

Great bunch of lads.

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I once scored a goal against Jim Leighton at some football school thing when I was younger.

Excellent. Did you tell him to "pick it out"?

That reminds me I took a couple of penalties against Mark Beeney in a knockout-shootout with my U13's age group at non-league side Pontefract Collieries' ground. It was half time during a pre-season friendly against Huddersfield town. Not quite as prestigious as Jim leighton, as Mark Beeney was probably mostly well known for getting sent off at Old Trafford after making a save outside of his area. Probably why he never quite made it at the top.

I buried the first one. Wrong footed the dirty Leeds cunt. Took a left footed run up and just placed it with the right. It was my signature move. The Dirty Leeds cunt didn't even move. He scooped my second one onto the post, and I was out. Came 3rd overall, despite only scoring 1 penno. Turns out Mark Beeney was quite good at saving penalties taken by children.

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Excellent. Did you tell him to "pick it out"?

That reminds me I took a couple of penalties against Mark Beeney in a knockout-shootout with my U13's age group at non-league side Pontefract Collieries' ground. It was half time during a pre-season friendly against Huddersfield town. Not quite as prestigious as Jim leighton, as Mark Beeney was probably mostly well known for getting sent off at Old Trafford after making a save outside of his area. Probably why he never quite made it at the top.

I buried the first one. Wrong footed the dirty Leeds cunt. Took a left footed run up and just placed it with the right. It was my signature move. The Dirty Leeds cunt didn't even move. He scooped my second one onto the post, and I was out. Came 3rd overall, despite only scoring 1 penno. Turns out Mark Beeney was quite good at saving penalties taken by children.

Leighton came charging off his line in an attempt to scoop the ball up from my feet but I gave it a wee chip and turned celebrating before I heard the whistle. Leighton was a nae bad keeper though. He only let in two.

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