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Football Manager 2012


Soda Jerk

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A very successful second season with Aberdeen. The rebuilding job is taking shape, ended up 3rd in the league with Rangers finding themselves back in 6th (this save game isn't the one with them in administration). So I'd already qualified for the Europa League, but decided I'd win the Scottish Cup 4-2 against Dundee United just to make sure. That was of course after I'd won the League Cup in April. Currently "Untouchable". I've barely spent a thing, but what I have has been more than compensated by the cloggers I got rid of.

The only issue I think I'm going to have next season is keeping my rebuilding project going whilst having to play extra games. I prefer to play with small squads but can't help but feel I'm going to have to buy quite a few new faces during pre-season to prep for inevitable injuries and fatigue.

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Gambino's Way, Part 3.

"Alright Foosty me old bean?" Portsmouth chairman Tony Cunningham swaggers into my lair like Justin Bieber in an all-girls high school. "Good fucking news."

I look up from this week's copy of Hard Bastard magazine and eye him suspiciously. "Last time you used that sentence you claimed I was getting a Curly Wurly

that I still haven't seen, you dick."

"No, actual good news this time." Tony plops himself down at the other side of my desk and puts his feet up like some kind of king shit. "Remember all that

money I wouldn't let you spend at the start of the month?"

"Aye."

"You can spend it now."

"Fuck off."

"No, I'm serious. You can buy players again."

"Get the fuck out of here, nosferatu. I'm not falling for your shit again."

Cunningham stands up, pulls a cigar from his breast pocket and lights it on his chin. "It's January and I'm saying you have money to spend." Tony shrugs.

"Look, unless you fancy playing Dave Kitson and Aaron Mokoena in the upcoming League Cup final I suggest you start splashing the wonga on some new players,

yeah? Peace."

I hate Tony Cunningham.

*

The next morning Foosty Gambino is in his fucking element. "Terry Connor, how's it fucking collapsing?!" I blurt down the phone. "Listen, how much do you

want for Kevin Foley? Couple of hundred grand? Done!"

A few hours later and Kevin Foley, Republic of Ireland international and criminally average full-back, walks into my cave alongside his agent (and brother)

Mick. Mick's wearing scabby trainers, jogging bottoms and a lumberjack shirt with the sleeves cut off. Clearly having trouble letting the WWF years go.

"Listen boys, I'm not here to fuck about. Ten grand a week and free chips every Saturday night. Kevin, are you in?"

I side-stepped Mick as he tried to ram a mouldy sock down my throat and took him out the game with a swift Crippler Crossface. Clearly intimidated by my show

of strength, Kevin nodded his head and quickly inked a 3-and-a-half year deal. Laaaahvely.

Next I get a phonecall from acclaimed agent Steve Bum, alerting me to the availablity of his client Xisco Nadal. "Cheeky winger, fast as fuck, can do some of

that fancy foreign stuff like stepovers and that," he says. "How does that sound?"

"Totally Noel Edmonds mate. Deal."

I send my minions to scour the free transfer list and they come back a couple of hours later. Marco Ramos and Tyrone Loran come in to shore the defence up.

Little fast fucker Shaun Batt arrives on loan from Millwall and boom, Foosty's work is done.

Foley, Nadal, Loran and Ramos slide straight into the first XI against Middlesbrough on the 22nd January. We fuck them 6-0. Gambino is king.

*

"And that's it! The final whistle!"

Wembley Stadium, 26th February 2012.

"They've done it! They've actually gone and done it!"

League Cup final.

Wolvehampton Wanderers were 6th in the Premier League and set out to murder us. We lined-up without our best player, Kevin Foley, who was cup-tied and

started poorly, offering Karl Henry and Steven Fletcher chances early on. 15 minutes in and I'm already shitting myself, so I grab Hayden Mullins by the ear

on his way past. "Tell each and every one of these cunts that if they don't win today then I'm going to fuck them. And no, that's not a metaphor."

The reaction was instantaneous. In the 22nd minute we get a corner and BANG, big shitty Marko fucking Futacs rises above Jody Craddock to smash it in off his

bonce.

A single goal was all it took. Portsmouth Football Club, League Cup champions. Foosty Gambino, League Cup champion.

"I want to thank the fans," I began in my post-match interview, "the chairman, Charlie Tits, Disco Des Hamilton... but most of all, me. Fuck you Big Bastard,

you fucking pretender. I win."

The next morning I woke-up in the back of Liam Lawrence's Fiat Panda with a cold sausage roll in one hand and and unopened tin of Sweetheart Stout in the

other. Foosty Gambino knows how to fucking party.

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I bought this today. Starting off with Mansfield Town, anyone got any tips for good (cheap) conference signings?

Oy vey, that's very "in at the deep end." I can't recommend specific players as I haven't played at that level in FM 2012, but keep it very simple. Don't fanny around with fancy tactics because your players simply won't have a clue what you're trying to tell them to do. Physical attributes, at that level, are king. You can almost ignore everything else. I always find, in FM, that a striker with 12 for pace and acceleration and 7 for finishing is usually more effective than a striker with 7 for pace/acc. but 12 for finishing. Unless said clogger is a big smashing shithouse, of course.

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I found it useful to get loan signings from bigger clubs when in the conference, got me out that tinpot league!

Fucks sake Blackpool just beat me again, four times on the bounce now, my new bogie team! Got ruddy Brazil in the World Cup but with South Korea and Costa Rica in the group think I can get meself out of it!

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I bought this today. Starting off with Mansfield Town, anyone got any tips for good (cheap) conference signings?

Aye, Mansfield is a tough place to start. 4-4-2 it up, look for pace pace pace and acceleration and you'll be alright.

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I bought this today. Starting off with Mansfield Town, anyone got any tips for good (cheap) conference signings?

Look to get a parent team as they'll send you a player (or two) on loan for the season and pay you money at the start of the season.

With Aberdeen, I bagged Arsenal as my feeder team and the first season I was sent Benik Afobe aka Goal Machine and this season I've had solid RB Carl Jenkinson. Both for nothing.

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oh great more league cup success on the cards, beat west ham 5-0 in the semi final first leg, surely i cannot be caught at upton park? too far behind chelsea and man city in league to put in any kind of a title challenge unless i just keep winning and hope they lose.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

This is my current career, as manager Heinz Hines.

Started off at Manchester united, which you have to agree is a brilliant job for your first managerial post.

First thing to do was to get a few creative midfielders into the squad, as much as I love Valencia and nani, there is no room for wide players in my team. Formation of 433 with 3 creative mids was how I started off. This worked well for a few seasons, winning many a trophy, but as things do, it got stale. I signed a few more centre mids and moved my team into an all out attacking 4312 with a young jack Wilshire sitting just behind two central strikers. It was cracking, glory years ensued, I already had a better record than ferguson within 5 seasons.

Time passed and I stuck with this formula while changing personall each season. As the years rolled by I was signing not real players based on stats. This is when I stumbled across a striker called andres blanco. I laid down 40m to juve for this exciting looking 19 year old. What a signing he was, regularly hitting 50+ goals a season and being world player of the year.

Roll onto the year 2028. I've been in charge for 16 seasons and have grabbed 54 trophies for the team so far. But things start going a little wrong in the league. I'm lying in 5th in march and trailing by a few points. I can't seem to get out of the league rut, despite winning league club and world club cup already this season. I don't fret as I beat ac Milan to book a place in champions league final. But the very next morning the club announce I've been sacked. What a bunch of cunts, 54 fucking trophies and this is how they treat me?

I took much pleasure in united being beat 4-0 in the champs final, that would never have happened under my reign.

Anyway, I sat around being offered all the top jobs, I wasn't interested in them. I was obsessed with watching united tumble with some new cunt in charge. I waited 2 full seasons until they sacked the moron in charge, straight away they came crawling back to me.

What a mess the club was in. Where had the 600m I had in reserve gone to? Certainly not on players as it was all my players in the team, not one new signing, just a shit load of guff reserves added to the squad. The wage budget was out of control and he had players over 30 in the squad, a big fucking no no for Heinz Hines, when you hit 30 you get punted.

I did a mass clear up, sold all plus 30s and all the shite reserves. I only had 40 m to play with in transfer market, so got in a lot of 19 year olds on the cheap. After my tried and tested 4312 system didn't seem to hold weight any more, I moved to a balanced 4321 formation. The players really took to it and we crawled all the way up the league to a nail biting finale when I needed Chelsea to lose and us to win, it happened, we won the fucking league and I was fucking back.

It's now 2034 and I've stuck with that formula and it's brought continued success (another 9 trophies). It's a strange old place in 2034 though as even shit mid table teams like Liverpool are regularly near the top.

I'm going to carry on until I get sacked again, then once more i shall wait to be reinstated as the club saviour.

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I gave up on 1860 Munich. After getting promoted in my first season in charge with a very unfancied team, I finished a disappointing 14th in the Bundesliga, rebuilt for the next season then got absiolutely fucked all season long in my third. Finished third bottom and went into a play-off with the third placed team from Division 1 to decide my fate. Scraped that in extra time to guarantee another season in the top league, then immediately offered my resignation. After 2 seasons of stress and no trophies I wanted something piss easy so I could build up some silverware and add to my glowing reputation built up in my time at Arsenal. I'd been offered Man U, Chelsea, Barca, Juventus, Milan and a host of other jobs while I was at 1860 but Caledonia was calling me home and I ended up taking over at Celtic. What better place to win trophies without breaking sweat? When I took over the squad was dire. All guys like 33, 34, or just simply not good enough, a lot of 1 star and 2 star players in the first team. I shipped the whole fucking lot of them, signed 17 new players, not a star among them, all average, 3 stars at best, and at Xmas I'm undefeated in the SPL and top of the league by miles. Best manager ever.

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I'm currently buttfucking the life out of the SPL with the mighty Dons. Currently going for my 3rd league title in a row. My tip for winning the league in Scotland is to hire a load of Italians to bulk up your midfield. Currently rocking a 3-5-2 and it's goals galore. Long balls and chaos in the box. Beautiful football. Once I've won the league I'm thinking about heading back to Newport. They are currently back down to league 2 after I left them in the championship. Heartbreaking times.

I may be forced to take on another team if there's not a vacancy at Newport though :(

They seem keen to have me back though. These guys are camping outside my house at the moment...

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I just fired up my game. Currently at Man U and won everything in my first season. Bored in my second and want to go to The Dons. Am I able to just get the Aberdeen job, given my caliber, even though it isn't vacant. Malky MacKay is currently the manager though...

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Ah Sat night got a tesco chuck in the oven meal, red wine then a bottle of vodka and all set to finish the season... 7 games to go the league cup in the bag for 3rd season running out of champs league on away goals by real madrid and dumped out FA Cup at home to Blackburn due to a) getting a man sent off after 1 min and b) fielding a really shit team. 3 way battle for the title between myself, man shitty and lolpool... on paper I have a decent run in but that means jack shit. Looking forward to this and I don't have to play either!

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I keep getting bored of my projects after roughly a season and a half. Got Portsmouth back into the Premier League and have them sitting in 9th after selling most of the squad and replacing them with quality youngsters, but I can't be hooped any more. Might be time for a new challenge.

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I get bored too quickly too, but usually before the season even ends. Nothing will quite replicate the Wehen Wiesbaden stint for me. I dragged that sack of no-hopers through two promotions by sheer discipline and classic no-fucks-given man-management.

I'm slightly regretting resigning that one. Man, that midfield. Marchisio and the fucking PRINCE. Think I had Barry Bannan too, the loveable little scamp. Might have a look to see if I have a pre-quit save. Perhaps the new owners will forgive the quitting, which Big Bastard probably did in the nude, quite racistly.

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