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Nefarious C

A thing I wrote.

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Tuff Wax Records: Nemesis

Posted on Tuff Wax's blog.

Its probably rubbish.

As a side note, Tuff Club is ON this saturday at Tunnels, from 10-3m with Christy Keenan dj-ing and Steven Milne and his band performing!

Heres the facebook event:

Welcome to Facebook

And yeah, feedback on that thing is appreciated. As long as its entirely flattering.

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It doesn't really flow well at all - I'd try and simplify any word/passage that you can.

I used complicated words in an attempt to make it when you scroll down to the veeerrryy bottom and Nemesis is revealed, it seems all the more trivial and bizarre. But I take your point.

Thanks for the feedback!

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That is the worst thing on the internet.

It reads like a 5-year-old trying to write lyrics in the style of Captain Beefheart with the use of a thesaurus to change various words into more complicated alternatives just for the sake of quirkiness.

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That is the worst thing on the internet.

It reads like a 5-year-old trying to write lyrics in the style of Captain Beefheart with the use of a thesaurus to change various words into more complicated alternatives just for the sake of quirkiness.

Aw cool, I love Captain Beefheart! Thanks, man!

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Avoid cliches. Remember verbs can be cliched too, finding a seldom used adjective or adverb doesn't always make up for using a word like 'feast'. If you want to do peotry, even stream of consciousness type stuff, choose a meter and a rhythm. if you want to do short story, make it longer and more obvious. People don't like scratching their head so In between stuff doesn't fully work. You've obviously got a head full of ideas though so do more stuff and you'll find a style that suits.

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I admire anyone with the balls to put their poetry up for discussion, so here are my thoughts:

"vortices drawing you yonder"

I'm not keen on the word choice, but I presume you've chosen "yonder" for the alliteration. Nevertheless, "yonder" has more rosy connotations than I think you want to suggest here.

"the great sirens of Sirenum Scopoli"

Again, I don't like the repetition in the word choice. If I were you, I'd replace the first "sirens" with something else. The Sirens took their name from the islands, so you'd be better talking about their flighty womanhood etc rather than just repeating the word. Also, it's "Sirenum Scopuli".

"his propensity to not offer me any such delights"

This feels a bit clumsy. Perhaps you should be talking about a "propensity for" rather than "to" and avoid the negative?

I think as well that you need to think a lot about metre and style. Free verse still has rules, and it is always better to know the rules before you break them (I'm not suggesting you definitely don't, but it is a conclusion that people might come to quite easily). Blank verse can be a minefield.

Having said all that, it is far, far better to try and then to learn from the experience than not to try at all. Keep going, and remember that poetry doesn't have to be for public consumption. Emily Dickinson write hundreds of poems that no-one ever saw until after her death.

(See how I linked that in with your last line? That's pure poetry...)

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Guest Tam o' Shantie

oh my god. does nobody get it?! it's a DOG.

THAT'S THE JOKE. You think it's another guy. But it's the fucking dog!

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oh my god. does nobody get it?! it's a DOG.

THAT'S THE JOKE. You think it's another guy. But it's the fucking dog!

Yeah. I don't think anyone got that it wasn't seriously how I wrote, and that it was meant to refer to another guy, but the twist was its that dog thats pictured at the bottom of the screen.

The overelaborate language, vortices drawing yonder, etc, all with ironic and humorous intent.

Incredible.

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Also, I would have thought the reference to making jam in the bathtub in the first paragraph would have been a hint towards something not to be taken entirely seriously.

Sorry guys!

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I don't get it. U write something, ask for feedback then claim nobody gets what it's supposed to be and the jokes on us because it's not how you write anyway. Is that what happened here?

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Guest Tam o' Shantie

sorry but i'm with craig here. how can anyone read that bit of prose and then analyse the fucking literarary techniques within and criticise the clumsy structure? it's a fucking 300 word joke! And it's definitely not poetry!

you think the man hates another man, and he goes into so much detail so you think "what did this guy do to him?" and then at the end you realise it's a fucking dog. that's it!

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I dont see how you cant critique the literary techniques. The 'joke' isn't what we're talking about. We get that. It's not written like a joke though, It's written in a style that requires a bit of deconstructing. What did craig want the feedback to be about? The joke itself or the way it's written?

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Guest idol_wild
sorry but i'm with craig here. how can anyone read that bit of prose and then analyse the fucking literarary techniques within and criticise the clumsy structure?
Yeah so...feedback on the writing?

It was literally asked for.

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Guest idol_wild
aberdeen-music gets serious, way too serious.

All of us are sensitive brooding types.

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Hold on, hold on, are we suggesting that "it's a joke" necessarily means that a piece of writing shouldn't be taken seriously/analysed/treated as any other piece of prose or poetry?

They fuck you up, your mum and dad...

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It's not a joke, it's a humourous piece of writing. A piece of writing which was asked by the author to be commented on. What was the feedback meant to be, exactly? Either 'I think it's funny' or 'I don't think it's funny' ?

Presuming that people don't 'get' your work just because they don't like it is pretty lame. I'd also hedge a bet that if the feedback was positive, the replies about people reading too much into it wouldn't have been as forthcoming!

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I knew it was a dog. And I only read it once. I didn't see it as a joke. If it was meant as one, it wasn't very funny. It was a bleak as fuck "twist" to some uninspired writing.

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I guess the feedback I was hoping for was whether you found it humourous or not (although I defs should have made that clearer, I suppose!).

And I did appreciate the feedback on the literary style/where I could improve, but I was also worried that some people might have failed to sense the tone, is all. And yeah, I did thank most concerned for any sort of feedback they gave so, even the unnecessarily harsh ones. I'm hardly throwing a hissy fit because people "don't get my work".

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