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Buddyhead best/worst records 2009

Guest Tam o' Shantie

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Guest Tam o' Shantie

I stopped reading buddyhead a while ago, cos it started sucking a bit. This broke my heart because in its prime I could sit and read it for hours and howl with laughter at some of the shit they used to write about. Anyway, they have gone back to their best/worst list after ditching it for a couple of years - this time round it ain't ranked and there are shitloads of entries in each section. Anyway, have a look here :up:

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"In case you missed it before, weve broken the Stick Stickly video down to its essence (for best results watch clip while reading):

0:01 The video just started and we already know its gonna suck because there is a lone lip-pierced girl sitting in the middle of nowhere. Videos that feature some gothed-up bleeder looking fragile and bummed as the main character are ALWAYS shitty. ALWAYS. We defy you to find a good one.

0:06-0:20 Yep, as we expected, the chick was a bad omen. The song just kicked off in soul crushing fashion with a cookie monster yow and the entire band sporting stage moves that look like a cross between masturbating bear from Conan OBrien and a fucking hermit crab. Do you realize how many friends and family members could have pulled these clowns aside and been like Dudes, your band already sucks, lets maybe not compound the problem by playing like youre shitting a guitar out of your mangina? Apparently no one felt like doing that. What that means is all of these dudes seriously have zero people in their lives that care for them and probably many that want to see them humiliate themselves on television. Bleak. Hilarious.

0:36 and now weve shifted from death grunts to singing. How fresh! Way to crowbar in that transition too there fellas! Excellent song craft, doesnt sound forced at all. You might not have gotten the memo that was circulated circa 2002, but the screamer/singer thing sucked back when it was emo bands doing it. 7 years and a pinch of death metal didnt sweeten the mix any.

0:58 Synchronized guitar lifts? Were you felch-fiends male cheerleaders or something? Did you start a band after you realized all the girl cheerleaders fuck football players, not pussies who like to choreograph things?

1:01-1:06 Fucking BUNNY HOPS?!?!?!?! This is where we started shouting at our computer and dropping the bottles of beer we were holding in pure astonishment.

1:17-1:18 Remember 11 seconds ago when you thought the bunny hops were the worst thing that had ever happened to your eyes? Well, the fucktard with the blond streak in his hair playing guitar next to the chubby keyboard player just blew your mind. Full crab position, shifting the weight side to side like hes stretching either for a track meet or the world anal penetration record, guitar at penis level, looking right at you and NODDING! As if hes going Yep, this is happening. You cant stop it.

1:36-1:38 The lead grunter is running in place while reaching his hand out and screaming. Thats actually a good call tubby, you should do more running like that, you know, on a treadmill. Who knows, maybe then youd have a chance with the girl in your own video. Why you got your hand reached out though dude? Is the director holding out a can of Funfetti cake frosting or something? Whatever keeps you motivated I guess.

1:42-1:45 Yet another seamless musical transition. Seriously, did you guys tab out 50 shitty riffs, put them in a hat and arrange this song in the order they were picked? Weve see Latin American coups accomplish smoother transitions than this.

2:31-2:32 Even the girl thats being paid to be in this video cant stand this shit anymore, shes covering her ears now and then firing her agent later.

2:46-3:18 This is where we started Googling the word Hitman. Everything thats happened before has been prelude to this moment. After winning the gold medal at Lame Breakdown Olympics, these dudes follow it up at the 2:46 mark firing off the notes of music which must surely trumpet the end of days. From shitty deathcore right into Jock Jams territory without even batting an eye. Golly. Cue the shot of the entire band running in place in UNISON. Wheres the clip of some French dude scoring in a soccer game? The best part is you know these fucks thought they were really onto something when they wrestled this part onto end of the song. That keyboard player totally creams his jeans every time this part happens thinking to himself Ok fat/shitty keyboard player, this is your moment to shine. After all of that, just as a little cherry on top, we get the singer guitar player

weeping about some bullshit with the autotune dimed on his vocal track like this was some cracker version of a T-Pain song.

3:24 Ok, its over. Were exhausted and pretty certain weve now got cancer just from watching this video. Thats all weve got in us. Were gonna go huff a 30 pack of Glade cans in the hope we might annihilate the brain cells that processed this video."

I forgot how incredibly funny that video is. Also, the bit about Manson cracks me up:

"Marilyn has stated that one of the tracks on The High End of Low (we forget which one, like it even matters) was the most important song hes ever written, which is pretty much the equivalent of taking an exceptionally foul-smelling dump and then bringing all your friends into the bathroom to show them the most important loaf youve ever pinched."

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