Ithaca Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Found this in my inbox this morning and thought I'd share...From: Jeff Peters Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am To: David Thorne Subject: Membership Renewal Dear David This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon. All the best, Jeff Peters From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Membership Renewal Dear Jeff, Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Hello David How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff Do I get free shipping with that? Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months. From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Hello David Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Go f*ck yourself. From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by LinkinPark. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywoodso this may be worth a try. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Ok. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again? From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due The middle one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsh Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Pure gold!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 He strikes again! From: David ThorneDate: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16amTo: Helen BaileySubject: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.Regards, David.From: Helen BaileyDate: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18amTo: David ThorneSubject: Re: Pets in the buildingHello DavidI have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?HelenFrom: David ThorneDate: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pmTo: Helen BaileySubject: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.Regards, David.From: Helen BaileyDate: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43amTo: David ThorneSubject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDavid, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?HelenFrom: David ThorneDate: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27amTo: Helen BaileySubject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.Regards, David.From: Helen BaileyDate: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pmTo: David ThorneSubject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingHello DavidYou cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.HelenFrom: David ThorneDate: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pmTo: Helen BaileySubject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,They are very small ducks.Regards, David.From: Helen BaileyDate: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pmTo: David ThorneSubject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDavid, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?HelenFrom: David ThorneDate: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pmTo: Helen BaileySubject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .Regards, David.From: Helen BaileyDate: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22amTo: David ThorneSubject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDavid, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.Helen 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Shit theres more, check out: "It's like twitter. Except we charge people to use it."Legend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Outstanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Simon Edhouse (SimonEdhouse) on TwitterHe seems upset about this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Isn't that this guy?Go AwayYou can find all his wind ups on that site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Shit theres more, check out: "It's like twitter. Except we charge people to use it."Legend.Isn't that this guy?Go AwayYou can find all his wind ups on that site.Reading all posts FAIL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsh Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Bags, you are a legend finding that site - It's so fucking funny!!! Just spent lunchtime stifling the laughs!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Bags, you are a legend finding that site - It's so fucking funny!!! Just spent lunchtime stifling the laughs!!!Read this one too, it's brilliant.E-mails from an Asshole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 anyone else find this just to be the same joke over and over again? it was pretty funny to begin with, but my sides are fairly intact reading through this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Gold Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 anyone else find this just to be the same joke over and over again? it was pretty funny to begin with, but my sides are fairly intact reading through this thread.Mmhmm. They're a bit like those Arnie wind up phonecalls, without a pizza delivery worker being told that they are 'One uhgly muthafudka'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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