TelecasterSam Posted June 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 The Man RulesAt last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys' side of the story.( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear ' the rules 'From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note... these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers.1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.1. Saturday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.1. Crying is blackmail.1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.1. If it itches, it will be scratched.Its what we do!.1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really! . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars or beer.1. You have more than enough clothes.1. You have way too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's likecamping. LOL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Mac Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Quite long, I thought it was pretty funny though....... NATAL CURRY CONTESTIf you can read this whole story without laughing then there's noHope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visitingFrom America.Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at aCurry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last momentand I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking fordirections to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured bythe other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during thetasting, so I accepted'.Here are the scorecard notes from the event:CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whoWanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beerWhen they saw the look on my face.CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY...Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels likeI have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backboneis in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orother mild foods, not much of a curry.Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unableto taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, thebeer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman isstarting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit thechili peppers make a strong statement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can nolonger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. Thecontestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judgesasked me to stop screaming. Screw them.CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'mworried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to standbehind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need towipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY...Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on cannedpeppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in acan of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at thisstage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bitof distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry whichslid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I'vedecided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not gettingany oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inchhole in my stomach.CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too boldbut spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mildnor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot curry? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 So, Men who hate women and a curry judge who doesn't like curry.Comedy central. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Mac Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Relax ya hoor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoodyRATM Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 That curry joke is brilliant. Hahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stichman Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 What's the most lonely city in all of Italy?Naples. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoonie Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 That made me laugh! Good job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Milner Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 hahahaha that curry joke is brilliant!!!Im thinking original spies must be the third judge, its the only way you couldnt laugh at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 It could have been alright if the author was any good at portraying anguish, but it was almost like if Charlie Brooker let Alan Carr write his lines for him. Fish out of water.I just love a good moan really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJ Jo-D Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 What's the most lonely city in all of Italy?Naples.ha ha liked that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 ha ha liked that onesame here, I love a good doric joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 It could have been alright if the author was any good at portraying anguish, but it was almost like if Charlie Brooker let Alan Carr write his lines for him. Fish out of water.I just love a good moan really.Furthermore it was a, obviously recycled from an american email and b, actually recycled from an american email since i have read the exact same joke online but with 'curry' swapped for 'chilli con carne' a while ago. also, the punchline is in every stanza, but it is repeated and emphasised. this does not a good joke make.a popular joke adapted to this similar pattern would go like this:Q: Why did the chicken walk 2 feet onto the road?A: To begin his journey which would inevitably see him reach his destination, at the other side.Q: Why did the chicken progress a further 2 feet?A: To continue the journey in question.Q: Why did the chicken maintain his pace and walk to the point where he was just a few feet shy of the other side of the road?A: Because he was determined to conclude his journey, and the end was now in sight.Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get to the other side! LOOOOOOOOLOLOLOLOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Furthermore it was a, obviously recycled from an american email and b, actually recycled from an american email since i have read the exact same joke online but with 'curry' swapped for 'chilli con carne' a while ago. also, the punchline is in every stanza, but it is repeated and emphasised. this does not a good joke make.a popular joke adapted to this similar pattern would go like this:Q: Why did the chicken walk 2 feet onto the road?A: To begin his journey which would inevitably see him reach his destination, at the other side.Q: Why did the chicken progress a further 2 feet?A: To continue the journey in question.Q: Why did the chicken maintain his pace and walk to the point where he was just a few feet shy of the other side of the road?A: Because he was determined to conclude his journey, and the end was now in sight.Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get to the other side! LOOOOOOOOLOLOLOLOL!You are a bit of a moaning cunt, aren't you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 You are a bit of a moaning cunt, aren't you.That's his shtick I believe... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 Two old ladys sitting in a cafe.One says to the other "did you come on the bus,Yes says the second lady but i made it look like an asthma attack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonz Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulscoconutass Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 Why did the chicken cross the road?It was safety pinned to the punk!Why did the mathematically inclined chicken cross the road?cos.Why did Jesus cross the road?Somebody nailed him to a chickenWhy did the American cross the road?To eat the chicken.Why did Stevie Wonder cross the road?Like he knew where he was going!!!Why did the sex pest cross the road?He was fucking the chicken...Why did the chicken cross the road?To avoid the Jehovahs Witnesses...I watched a chicken cross the road today, it was poultry in motion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 You are a bit of a moaning cunt, aren't you.yeah, and you listen to music by these guyswe all have our flaws pal 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 I decided to look up my family tree today....Wish i fucking didnt now....A bloody bird shat in my face...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 I decided to look up my family tree today....Wish i fucking didnt now....A bloody bird shat in my face......your mum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 yeah, and you listen to music by these guyswe all have our flaws palThat cut me deep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stichman Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 This is more than a bit aged, but as far as these tasteless things go it's a winner.What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?The jokes will get old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest treader. Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 John Travolta's son was suddenly and tragically taken ill one weekend and died soonafter.When they questioned doctors about what had happened, they were told it was the Saturday Night Fever that killed him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Chamber Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 John Travolta's son was suddenly and tragically taken ill one weekend and died soonafter.When they questioned doctors about what had happened, they were told it was the Saturday Night Fever that killed him.Because he asked for a Wii Fit for Christmas... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest droid Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 A guy gets looks in the mirror naked and gets a boner,he says to his wife"why do i get a boner when i look at myself naked".......she replies"even your cock thinks your'e a c**t"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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