Eupraxia Posted July 6, 2012 Report Share Posted July 6, 2012 What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?Bison 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted July 6, 2012 Report Share Posted July 6, 2012 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted July 6, 2012 Report Share Posted July 6, 2012 What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?gang rape Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted July 9, 2012 Report Share Posted July 9, 2012 What's black, white and brown around the mouth?A nun eating a shite. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'F...k dat.dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'The Story continues….Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.Once more Paddy shakes his head.F..k dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his f...k'n hengliding!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest E.C Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 the aristocrats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted July 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet."How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador.As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.still in shock, she took the bill. "£150?" she cried, "£150! just to tell me my duck is dead!"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20,but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....................."(groan) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?None 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest E.C Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 I was relaxing watching a film with my little boy earlier when he said, "dad I'm getting scared, is that lady going to die?" I said, "probably son, judging by the size of that horse's cock!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Why do Depeche Mode take Mini Babybels on tour?So they can have their own....personal...cheeses. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeinzHines Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 That reminded me of a HILARIOUS joke I made up once.What is a paedophile's favourite treat?Baby bells 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kybosh Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 Dear Jim 'L Fix it , I really fancy a girl in my class at school , can you "fix it" for me to go on a date with her ?yours , Jeremy (32) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted October 14, 2012 Report Share Posted October 14, 2012 I lost my virginity at 15.My brother lost his at 12.Not by choice though. I was stronger than him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stroopy121 Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 I lost my dog so I put an advert in the local paper. It said "Here boy."xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Easy Wishes Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 I lost my cat but I didn't bother putting an ad in the local paper 'cause I hate cats. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoonie Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Amen to that! Fuck cats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodsinho Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 “I kicked the new Bond villain out of my pub last night" "Javier Bardem?" "No, he can come back when he's sober...” 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gypsum_Fantastic Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 “I kicked the new Bond villain out of my pub last night" "Javier Bardem?" "No, he can come back when he's sober...”Ace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eupraxia Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 What do you call a Scotsman who is nearly home?Hamish 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 I got home today to find my wife masturbating in the bedroom."What's going on here?" I asked."What does it look like to you?" she said with a smile."A yawning sea lion." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted November 13, 2012 Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 How does Moses make tea?Hebrews it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 You hear aboot the lonely prisoner?He was in his-cell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kybosh Posted November 22, 2012 Report Share Posted November 22, 2012 What kind of cheese would you use to lure a bear out of his cave ?.......Camembert Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted November 22, 2012 Report Share Posted November 22, 2012 I was stopped in Boots the other day by an assistant who asked me what my favourite grooming products were. I replied, "A packet of chocolate buttons and a half a bottle of vodka works for me." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted November 22, 2012 Report Share Posted November 22, 2012 How did the hipster burn his mouth?He ate his dinner before it was cool. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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