Guest Gladstone Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.He says, "This is Amanda."His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted September 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 2 Glaswegians were sittin in the pub discussing Jimmy's wedding. "Och its gonni be pure brilliant" says Jimmy, "everythins organised awe ready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the rings, the reception, av even goat a kilt to get maryed in!" "A kilt?" says Archie, "that's magic, you'll look pure smert man in that. Whits the tartin?" "Och a think she'll be in white!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted September 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to ourlocal pet shop and they were £70!!!B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him infront of a train.He was chuffed to bits.Said to my missus, "Hey! fatty what do you want for your birthday?" She said, "Don't get ****ing lippy." I said, "right, mascara it is, then!"My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.Farting in lifts, that's just wrong on so many levels Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted October 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2011 Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge, so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted October 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2011 Manchester United have set up a Helpline for any supporters who may be affected by their humiliating defeat by Manchester City today.The number is:0161 61 61 61 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest E.C Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 I'd 6 1 to be a United fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh_Jazz Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 I met with my fitness instructor the other day.I asked him "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He said, "Are you flexible?""I can't do Tuesdays". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 "It's times like these I love being an insomniac.Only 3 sleeps until Christmas" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I was in Tesco's the other day when a guy started throwing cheese and milk at me......how dairy !(groan !...... sorry could not resist) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted November 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!"..He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids..'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party, that I f*cked on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pilot Error Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Anyone heard of the new 007 viagra?It makes you roger more..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 The Jeremy Kyle Christmas song** 12 cans of carling.. 11 dna tests.. 10 dads to choose from.. 9 teeth between them.. 8 squeezed in tracksuits.. 7 stinking smackrats.. 6 dunlop trainers.. 5 STOLEN RINGS... 4 fats slags.. 3 ugly twats.. 2 timing c**ts ... And a wanker who parades them on TV Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 My New Years Resolution is to stop using spray on deodorants. Roll on 2012!You're welcome. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest E.C Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Man walks into a bar and says to the barman: "you wont believe the night I had last night - I was walking past the train tracks beside my house and I saw a woman tied to them, like in those old western films!! So I rushed over and untied her, took her back to my house to warm her up, and we ended up shagging in the front room, the kitchen and then the bedroom""That's amazing!! Did you get a blowjob?" asks the barman."No, I never found her head" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 I heard today whitney houston died just after finishing off work on her new movie...Aparently its called The BodyBag....Too soon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Gold Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Too lacking in comedy value or wit. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Awful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 In a failed attempt to help whitney houston, Gavin from autoglass could not fix her crack problem..Any better? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Easy Wishes Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Oh dear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paranoid Android Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 All bloody awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 1963 - Whitney Houston2012 - Whitney Houstoff 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berti Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 'it's not right, but it's ok'.......says Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuttons his trousers........ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Knight Posted February 28, 2012 Report Share Posted February 28, 2012 The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation."He's a funeral director," she answered...."Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted February 28, 2012 Report Share Posted February 28, 2012 What do Neutrinos and I have in common?We're both constantly penetrating your Mum. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moose Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 My girldfriend told me Davy Jones from The monkees had died. I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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