jokes

[paranoid]

Yes, most of the miracles we mention can easily be explained away by science, thats why we say the line fuck scientists. Their factual findings sometimes explain away the Earths cool mysteries. Part of me wishes they were lying. Part of me doesnt want to know how they really make crop circles. My imagination wants to believe its aliens or somethin.

ICPs Violent J, speaking out in defense of the duos controversial anti-science single, Miracles.

LOL

That is actually cringe-worthy. I've gone off them big style recently. Kinda feel sorry for a mat of mine who is covered in ICP tatts...

[Teabags]

I never got into them. But I didn't realise how cringe worthy it was until I heard that song.

Magic everywhere in this bitch.

[paranoid]

Not all of their stuff is that fruity, just seems that since they told everyone the "Dark Carnival" that they go on about in their albums is actually God, they have become a joke, even to their fans.

I've gone right off them recently, especially their newer stuff.

[MC Nice Andrew]

I just read the whole blurb on their website GHahAhaha

[Teabags]

The 12 Most Ridiculous Insane Clown Posse Lyrics: Pics, Videos, Links, News

[Guest Motleyal]

What's 9 inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?

Mark Mcghee's tie

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

Possibly my favourite ever joke:

The other week I went on a tour of a postcard factory. It was alright, but nothing to write home about.

I cannot tell this joke without corpsing.

[Guest]

If I had a pound for everytime someone asked me if my hair was naturally ginger, I'd have fuck all. Nobody talks to me.

[Gooch_Taylor]

If I had a pound for everytime someone asked me if my hair was naturally ginger, I'd have fuck all. Nobody talks to me.

Think I'd have about 20 quid by now - the perils of having brown hair and a ginger beard.

[TelecasterSam]

Aberdonian Logic !

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar

drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan

through life athoot an education.. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the

squeel and sign up for some nicht classes." Rab thinks it's a good

idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who

signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and

Logic."

Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye""

Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.

Tam replies, "At's true, I div hae a Gairden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think

logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."

And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family."

"I hiv a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

have a wife."

"Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!"

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a

heterosexual."

"I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a'

that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and

leaves to meet Rab at the pub.

He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English,

History and Logic..

"Logic?" Rab says, "Fit's at?"

Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?"

"No."

"Well then, yer a poof."

[Le Stu]

ha, very good!

[Soda Jerk]

Good joke, but why does it have to be typed like that? It's fair enough if the punchline relies on local dialect, but it doesn't. As a result, it took me about 10 minutes to read it, and realise what each word was meant to be.

[Le Stu]

Good joke, but why does it have to be typed like that? It's fair enough if the punchline relies on local dialect, but it doesn't. As a result, it took me about 10 minutes to read it, and realise what each word was meant to be.

I felt the same way about Sunset Song and I didn't even get a giggle from it!

[TelecasterSam]

God, loves drunks too !

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00am by a loud pounding on their door.

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push !

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Well, didn't you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should go help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yesh," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yesh, pleeze!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over ere on the shwing," replied the drunk

[TelecasterSam]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond around the back bordered by a sheltering wood.

It was properly shaped and deep enough for swimming, so he

fixed it up nice with a picnic table, horseshoe courts, and some apple,

and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,

as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He also grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deeper end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'Well, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny-dipping in my pond !'

....holding up the bucket, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator !!'

Even the old can still think fast, sometimes!

[Teabags]

That was the most horrendous joke I've ever read.

[TelecasterSam]

sorry.... (sheepish look on face !!)

had it sent to me, gave me a small chuckle, so posted it...... in error, in retrospect, it is pretty gash really !

:O

[Gooch_Taylor]

A 13yr old boy asks his dad, "what's a fanny look like?"

"Well, son," says the dad, "it's one the best things you'll ever see. You see a nice one and you instantly want to be there. You'll be captivated by how lovely it looks and do anything you can to shag it."

"Yeah but..." the boy asks, "what about after you've shagged it?"

The dad thinks for a moment, then asks, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[Guest Bob Knob]

Q. What do you call a Brazillian with a rubber toe and no car?

A. Roberto Carlos!

[paranoid]

Q. What do you call a Brazillian with a rubber toe and no car?

A. Roberto Carlos!

I am ashamed by the fact I LOL'd...

[Lemonade]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Why is the guy Glaswegian? It doesn't add anything to the joke. He could be from anywhere.

A proper Glaswegian joke:

A Glaswegian walks into a bakers and says to the girl behind the counter "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

And she says "No sir you're right, it's a macaroon".

There the accent is what makes the joke, in the one above it didn't make any difference where he was from.

[Teabags]

Another proper Glaswegian one...

Ned: "O'right, is that the operator an' 'at?"

Phone operator: "Yes, how can I help you?"

Ned: "Ahm in 'is phonebox trying ti get thru ti ma bird, but it's no gawn throgh an that"

Phone operator: "I see sir. Is there money in the box?"

Ned: "Naw, ahm in here masel'!"

[Guest Gladstone]

Dawn French is so upset about splitting up with Lenny Henry she has gone on a hunger strike.

Doctors have given her 24 years to live.

[Lemonade]

Dawn French is so upset about splitting up with Lenny Henry she has gone on a hunger strike.

Doctors have given her 24 years to live.

I liked that one.

[TelecasterSam]

Another proper Glaswegian one...

Ned: "O'right, is that the operator an' 'at?"

Phone operator: "Yes, how can I help you?"

Ned: "Ahm in 'is phonebox trying ti get thru ti ma bird, but it's no gawn throgh an that"

Phone operator: "I see sir. Is there money in the box?"

Ned: "Naw, ahm in here masel'!"

Oooo..an OLD..... Connelly joke..... good non-the-less !!!

A bloke called at my house today and said...

"Do you want your shed re-tarred?"

I said "No thanks!"

then the fucking wanker stole my shed........