jokes

[Soda Jerk]

You were all curious as to what the next negative rep bar would look like. Our friend and neighbour, Monty, or whatever, now has a glowing red bar amongst his arsenal of dark red bars. Fancy that.

What a cracking day for discovery.

[Guest Motleyal]

You were all curious as to what the next negative rep bar would look like. Our friend and neighbour, Monty, or whatever, now has a glowing red bar amongst his arsenal of dark red bars. Fancy that.

What a cracking day for discovery.

Not that I'm trying to be unpopular, but i hope the bar goes black. a first dan in negativity would be an achievement.

[JaseyBoi]

Awful. Just... stop.

Ok ive stopped...Lets hear some of you guys elite hilarious jokes then.

[MattJimF]

Ok ive stopped...Lets hear some of you guys elite hilarious jokes then.

Don't listen to them, some of your jokes haven't been all that bad, kinda like when you see someone hurt themselves, you know you shouldn't laugh but still do.

I think they are just jealous cause they can't stop themselves having a little giggle even though they think it's crap.

[Surfer_Rosa]

How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

[Frosty Jack]

So since he has been around since 05 he can say whatever he wants? Hey man, you should become a moderator! You've obviously got the knack for it already.

Are you planning on picking up on every single 'insult' you think you can find to try and make this same point again and again? Are you really still so upset about this - or are you just trolling?

Actually, don't answer that, just drop it.

On with the jokes.

[Le Stu]

Chuffed, finally got to see what the next colour of neg rep is, not as exciting as i thought it would be.

Yeah and it's not what I was hoping for, which was dark red.

[Soda Jerk]

I think they are just jealous cause they can't stop themselves having a little giggle even though they think it's crap.

That's definitely what it is.

[WoodyRATM]

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia ' - POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.' - POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Indian, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[Sue Denim..]

What's yellow and goes woof woof?

Bark infested custard.

[HateEvent]

Maths lesson:-

No + Rohypnol = Yes.

[Hog]

How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

I liked that one:up:

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

What's yellow and goes woof woof?

Bark infested custard.

Haha, good one!

[Dayeth]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[JaseyBoi]

Whats black and gets abused daily on Aberdeen-Music?

Punctuation.

[ca_gere]

Whats black and gets abused daily on Aberdeen-Music?

Punctuation.

Racist !!!!

[Faux Mantini]

What do Harold Shipman and gary glitter have in common?

They both enjoyed euthanasia.

[JaseyBoi]

Josef Fritzl is delighted that his sentence has been reduced to 100 hours community service.

He has been ordered to spend it teaching Gerry McCann how to lock a fucking door.

And a sicki for the road

Anyone else wonder why people in wheelchairs still wear shoes?

[Fast Caz]

Josef Fritzl is delighted that his sentence has been reduced to 100 hours community service.

He has been ordered to spend it teaching Gerry McCann how to lock a fucking door.

And a sicki for the road

Anyone else wonder why people in wheelchairs still wear shoes?

Ooooh I'm borrowing the last one.

[TelecasterSam]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news agents to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper , 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a sweetshop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the shopkeeper this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands inside your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse into her bra, and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds.'

.............................................................................................................................

In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church and

at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since

my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every wik for i past month."

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.

Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession.

I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a wik for i past twa months."

This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"

"A new quine in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a

wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon,

when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.

The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,

"Is that Fannie Reid?"

The altar boy replies ... ..............

"A dinna think so Faither........ah think it's jist i reflection aff her sheen"

[ca_gere]

nicked from somewhere...

'why can't hedgehogs share the hedge?'

[Soda Jerk]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news agents to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper , 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a sweetshop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the shopkeeper this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands inside your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse into her bra, and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds.'

.............................................................................................................................

In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church and

at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since

my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every wik for i past month."

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.

Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession.

I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a wik for i past twa months."

This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"

"A new quine in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a

wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon,

when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.

The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,

"Is that Fannie Reid?"

The altar boy replies ... ..............

"A dinna think so Faither........ah think it's jist i reflection aff her sheen"

I didn't understand a word of that last one.

[Le Stu]

what's her sheen?

[Shaki]

what's her sheen?

shoes....

[Le Stu]

shoes....

Ta. So, he's asking if her fanny is red and no, it's just the reflection off her shoes he says.

I think that quite effectively ruins the joke.