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MSN worst songs of 2008

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A suprisingly vitriolic article from such a big global company! Aren't corporations supposed to sit on the fence about pretty much everything?

Worst Songs Of The Year - 2008 - Music, albums, singles, charts, dance music, new music, festivals | MSN Music UK | MSN Entertainment | MSN UK

Worst Songs Of The Year - 2008

Tom reminisces about a year of aural torture

While 2008 is unlikely to go down in history as a vintage year for classic songs, it well and truly earned its entry in the Stinkers Almanac, with a tide of pop effluent that had our ears stockpiling wax and fashioning it into a musical dam.

Perhaps the biggest insult to taste and decency came in the shape of what's been described as 'flat-pack indie'.

These were bands who appeared to have been assembled on a production line to look and sound as much like "wot da kids are into" as possible, but on closer inspection were insubstantial, cynically marketed facsimiles of groups from the recent past minus the creative spark that terrifies record companies because it so often results in said groups making music that DOESN'T GET PLAYED ON THE RADIO.

Their MDF counterparts, however, could be relied upon to deliver perky, inoffensive, digital-station-friendly fluff that, as was discovered, people would buy by the bucketload, seemingly unaware that every record sold by the likes of The Courteeners, Hoosiers, The Wombats and Scouting For Girls is a vote for Satan and all his farting elves.

2007's She's So Lovely may have been more obnoxious than a Frosties advert but this year Scouting For Girls gave us the equally repetitive Heartbreak, Elvis Ain't Dead and James Bond three songs only deserving of praise if the composer had recently undergone a frontal lobotomy and had stopped licking the carpet long enough to yelp, "I do love / She does a heartbreak", over and over again until he got a biscuit.

But this was the year of annoying. The rise of commercial digital radio stations, with a playlist barely five songs long, proved a breeding ground for a new wave of novelty pop.

Katy Perry, Pink, Gym Class Heroes and Pussycat Dolls all attacked the airwaves with a virulent strain of earworm that has driven us to new, uncharted degrees of mental torture.

Given the choice of hearing Pink's So What again or having the nails slowly torn from our toes, we'll reach for the pliers and do it ourselves. When future generations discover that Perry's I Kissed A Girl was one of the most played songs of 2008 they will assume evolution took a holiday that year and the human race reverted to Bonobos.

While we're on the subject of our simian cousins, The Verve staged one of rock's most underwhelming comebacks with Love Is Noise ("and the award for most meaningless, adolescent song title goes to"). There's a delicious kind of justice in the fact that the supposedly cool and iconic Verve failed where the apparently uncool Take That succeeded.

But that was because Take That wrote more than two good songs to begin with and, when they came back, wrote even better songs that didn't feature the sound of a seagull shouting "hello" down a chimney, unlike The Verve's disastrous effort that was so bad, every time it came on the radio we feared the earth would burn up with embarrassment. i.e. VERY, VERY BAD!

And staying with shaved apes (only this time in Paul Weller wigs), we can't imagine anyone was really expecting Oasis to write another Some Might Say, but they returned with a set of songs so lacklustre we can't imagine how anyone involved retained the will to live. If seventh album Dig Out Your Soul were a dog, the RSPCA would encourage you to shoot it in the face.

But all that pales when compared to the absurd rebirth of Queen (+ Paul "you know, the one who was in Free and Bad Company and sang that song All Right Now" Rogers). A band whose reputation was always disproportionate to their actual abilities, even when the only interesting member was still alive and the most talented member could still bear to play bass in their presence, were now a band who had the audacity to follow up the worst musical ever written (one day we'll topple that statue of Freddie in Tottenham Court Rd, just like they did Saddam) with a new album under the name Queen + Paul "who was also in The Firm but we can't remember any of their hits" Rogers, entitled The Cosmos Rocks (oh good grief!).

Queen + Paul "why didn't they just get George Michael to do it again because at least he can hit the high notes without sounding like he's straining out a poo" Rogers also released a single called C-lebrity (oh good grief!), damning our obsession with reality TV stars (oh good grief!) that was stuffed full of lyrical conceits as clumsy as a giant picking up pins, and sounded as joyless and stilted as a Gordon Brown-hosted Xmas party. They did not rock us.

But our nomination for worst song of the year (now we've been spared the agony of hearing Eoghan wrap his gormless lips around Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah thank you wise, X Factor voting public) is going to be a controversial choice.

It wasn't that there was anything wrong with the tune of Beyonce's If I Were A Boy. The tune was nice. Very nice. Well done that woman who wrote it who wasn't Beyonce.

But the words made us want to buy a bra, wear it until it became fashionable for men to wear bras and then burn that bra in protest and disgust at the ludicrously clichd portrayal of men within its fake-empowerment verses.

Apparently, if Ms Knowles had danglier genitals, she would: "Roll out of bed in the morning / And throw on what I wanted / And go drink beer with the guys." That's not a boy, that's an unemployed alcoholic! She also imagines: "I would turn off my phone / Tell everyone its broken / So they think that I was sleeping alone."

Again, this isn't the natural behaviour of the Y chromosome. It's the behaviour of a dishonest, unfaithful git which, last time we checked, wasn't exclusive to either gender. What's so awful about If I Were A Boy is that no such man exists and no such relationship exists, except perhaps in beer commercials. The entire song is a lie and an insult to all complex, individual and free-thinking human beings.

Of course, the real lyrics should go something along the lines of: "If I were a boy / I'd pee standing up / Then I'd take my car to the garage / And be amazed that they didn't patronise me about the trouble I've been having with the clutch."

Now that's a song we'd want to hear.

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Guest Tam o' Shantie

I saw the link and simply didn' t bother reading it because I would never expect such fantastic honesty from an MSN article...what would the advert sponsors think? But credit where credit's due, that's about as close to a Buddyhead 'Worst Of' that we're likely to see from now on!

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Christ, someone has a chip on their shoulder.

The only band they give credit to is Take That for goodness sake.

Who the hell wrote this? Stephen Gately?

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Shooting fish in a barrel to some degree, but spot on across the board :)

Not much point in mouthing off about these bands though - their audiences are people who don't read about music, they simply digest whatever's the easiest to reach for.

Well, them and old Oasis / Verve fans who just can't admit their favourite bands are now utter pish (and were complete pish at the height of their success too! Oasis have been awful since Some Might Say and The Verve's supposed 'great album' was a collection of hyper-obvious Radio 2 singalongs).

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Christ, someone has a chip on their shoulder.

The only band they give credit to is Take That for goodness sake.

Who the hell wrote this? Stephen Gately?

Wise up. Take That are good at what they do. Gary Barlow is one talented sonovvabitch.

And the whole article is spot on. Its pretty well written, too.

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Take That are shite.

Therefore, you must "wise up".

Unless of course you are a girl in her 20-somethings, who was going to marry Gary Barlow in her teens.

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Take That are shite.

The Dirty Hand Shakes are shite.

Well, not really. If I remember correctly I quite liked you guys when I saw you.

But Take That are great. Go listen to "someone else's dream" and tell me its shite. Go on. I defy you. Probably the only song in existence with a child choir thats any good. They set out to write catchy pop songs, and they do so with great success.

I won't have a bad word said about that band. In fact just booked tickets to go see them.

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The Dirty Hand Shakes are shite.

Well, not really. If I remember correctly I quite liked you guys when I saw you.

But Take That are great. Go listen to "someone else's dream" and tell me its shite. Go on. I defy you. Probably the only song in existence with a child choir thats any good. They set out to write catchy pop songs, and they do so with great success.

I won't have a bad word said about that band. In fact just booked tickets to go see them.

I'll maybe do it. But if I like it, I'm not telling you. :gringo:

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I'll maybe do it. But if I like it, I'm not telling you. :gringo:

You won't need to. Anyone who is vaguely aware of the concept of music should love that song. I know already you like it. Before you even do.

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It is actually true, Take That are shit. Gary Barlow is a talentless wank.

You're all wrong. Tyranny of the alternative music masses is what this is. I'm sick of being victimised for liking a brilliant band that happen to like stripping for calenders.

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You're all wrong. Tyranny of the alternative music masses is what this is. I'm sick of being victimised for liking a brilliant band that happen to like stripping for calenders.

You seem to be forgetting about all the terrible music that they have released.

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handbags.jpg

Ahem.

Pretty amusing article on the whole and that Beyonce track is rotten; especially the "deep, meaningful" video, don't get me started on that. And is it just me or does she over-sing at least one part of every song she releases like crazy? Bah.

Still. I forgave her was soon as her new video came out.

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You seem to be forgetting about all the terrible music that they have released.

YOU seem to be completely fabricating the "fact" that they have released any terrible music!

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You seem to be forgetting about all the terrible music that they have released.

Like what? Even if you don't like the type of music they play surely you can see that their songs are well written? I actually think Gary Barlow is a good songwriter and i've liked quite a few of their singles since their comeback.

Take That comeback beats Smashing Pumpkins comeback.

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Like what? Even if you don't like the type of music they play surely you can see that their songs are well written? I actually think Gary Barlow is a good songwriter and i've liked quite a few of their singles since their comeback.

Take That comeback beats Smashing Pumpkins comeback.

You are SO on the money.

The Circus>Zeitgeist.

And I like SP.

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Like what? Even if you don't like the type of music they play surely you can see that their songs are well written? I actually think Gary Barlow is a good songwriter and i've liked quite a few of their singles since their comeback.

Take That comeback beats Smashing Pumpkins comeback.

Take That's songs are awful, middle of the road, bland wank that have far too much in common with the likes of James Blunt to be considered acceptable on any level. I couldn't care less if the song is well written, if it is shit, it is shit. You can't polish a turd.

Anyway, I'm away to listen the Smashing Pumpkins over and over and over again, especially the new stuff.

*Puts Owata on repeat*

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Take That's songs are awful, middle of the road, bland wank that have far too much in common with the likes of James Blunt to be considered acceptable on any level. I couldn't care less if the song is well written, if it is shit, it is shit. You can't polish a turd.

Anyway, I'm away to listen the Smashing Pumpkins over and over and over again, especially the new stuff.

*Puts Owata on repeat*

Take That sound nothing like James Blunt. And SP have some horrific MOR moments themselves ;)

You're just blinded by some sort of repressed homosexual lust for Mark Owen that has lingered since 1994. No matter how much you resist, it'll always be there. Join the dark side and admit that Take That are better and more relevant than the Pumpkins these days.

Don't get me wrong, i love the Pumpkins (have done for a long, long time) but Zeitgeist was shit. Very shit. Still, Siamese Dream and Gish are cracking albums though :up:

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Take That sound nothing like James Blunt. And SP have some horrific MOR moments themselves ;)

You're just blinded by some sort of repressed homosexual lust for Mark Owen that has lingered since 1994. No matter how much you resist, it'll always be there. Join the dark side and admit that Take That are better and more relevant than the Pumpkins these days.

Don't get me wrong, i love the Pumpkins (have done for a long, long time) but Zeitgeist was shit. Very shit. Still, Siamese Dream and Gish are cracking albums though :up:

Patience might as well be James Blunt, its fucking evil.

If I was going to have some sexy fun times with any member of Take That, it would have to be Jason (it probably wouldn't be much fun for him though).

Take That may be more relevant than the Smashing Pumpkins, but they certainly aren't better. And Zeitgeist isn't very shit (not just a tr00 fan talking here). There are at least 5 great songs on that album. And if you combine it with the American Gothic EP, the digital split single and the If all Goes Wrong DVD, there are plenty of great new songs. Plus, there is great footage on the DVD of teh b0lly's pyjamas and creepy fans meeting their idol.

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