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English Essay "appaling" and "grossly inappropriate"


lovers_spit
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We just had to write a short story. 700+ words, as a pass or fail dealy for Higher english. after posting a simplified version of this on b3ta a while back, it had a good reaction and thought my teacher would approve. i was wrong

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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

The air was thin and crisp.

My nostrils twitched and my red smudged eyes blinked as I woke up. Suzi had left the window open and the house was already banging, hissing and shouting.

I rose to my feet. I showered and I shaved, I combed and I sprayed and I splashed and I swore. The chaffing on my thigh had not cleared up, and prior to this fresh bout of eczema I was informed my by local GP that I had joggers nipple. In spite of this, as I made my way down the stairs I was in a positive frame of mind. It was my birthday. I am now 37 years old.

I pass my ancient father on the way to the kitchen, and years of heavy smoking and drinking had laid waste to whatever youthful exuberance he once had. He didn't say a word to me, on my own birthday. Well, what could I expect? He was a senile old bastard, a working class drone, one of those members of the silent majority that would have shot that burglar a third time. I shrugged this off and put his indifference down to him never having liked me fo as long as I remember, and why would it change today? There were times in my youth when he claimed I wasn't his, that I was created in a test tube as a cure for the common cold...but I digress...

I won't lie. My wife of 6 years. I was expecting a "Happy birthday" from her. Maybe a small token of her love and affection for me. But she barely managed a hello, let alone any elaborate gesture of appreciation for the man who gave her two children, a lovely home in Chelsea...but no. She remains buried under pots and pans, towels and cloths...

"The children" I thought, "Surely they will remember" I heard them bound down the stairs enthusiastically, skidding around corners like something out of Nascar. But less hygenic, louder..

I expected some crap macaroni picture from the boy, or a lazy dvd effort from my eldest Luci, something I'll never watch..but not even that. They gobbled down the contents of their troughs then left for school.

I reached work feeling now somewhat despondent. No one had remembered my birthday. I always made an effort when it was someone else. Even my mother-in-law, as cruel as she was fat, a lady who couldn't be more unpleasant if she was twice as ugly as she is now, which would be very ugly indeed. No I even made an effort for her. So why had no one remembered mine?

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane greeted me enthusiastically:

"Morning sir! Happy birthday!"

I grinned a little and murmered thank-you's. I couldn't let her see that those four words had been the highlight of my day. No, not her...

Jane was a very handsome girl: not pretty, no I don't think I could call her pretty. But yes, she did look nice. She had curves. Shapely legs, tremendous breasts, and the face and mouth of a whore. A lifetime younger than me, but still too old to not consider a possibility. No, she definitely wasn't pretty, but Jane was attractive.

Imagine my excitement then, to see her dirty blonde hair and come-hither eyes peek round the door.

"It's one o'clock sir. Seeing as it's your birthday would you like to come join me for lunch?"

Naturally, being the filthy old man that I am, I jumped at this chance.

"Why yes, that'd be lovely Jane, one tick and I'll get my jacket"

is what I think I said. But what I really thought was:

"Why yes, that'd be lovely Jane. i'd quite like to vent my lust on you by way of some sort of illicit affair, completely neglecting my wife who has grown fat and repulsive since she spawned my bastard offspring"

We didn't go to a cafe, but a very posh bistro with a private booth. We enjoyed nice food, and even had martini's to mark this very special occasion. There was a spark, not dissimilar as to when I first wooed Suzi.

As I glanced at my watch, it was then she leaned forward

"It's still a while 'till lunch hour is over...would you like to come round to my flat for coffee? It's just around the corner.."

I could feel myself having heart palpatations. I twitched my nose.

"Em, yeah sure, why not?"

"You know why not" I thought "You have a wife and kids, and you're kidding yourself on you're going for coffee. Do you know what coffee means outside of a coffee shop? It means SEX. Not sex, but SEX, in big bold capital fucking letters. You're a horrible man"

As this kept playing on my mind we had already reached the flat. Nice, post modern fancy furniture job. I noted to myself that I was clearly paying her too much and that I must dock her wages after I had slept with her.

"Sir, I'm just going into the other room for a moment, make yourself comfortable won't you?"

I nodded.

Wiping sweat from my brow, my heart was now thundering timpani beats from the inside of its cage.

Jane entered once more, holding a birthday cake, and preceding a line of all my friends, co-workers, family members, my wife and children...

And I just sat there

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect...

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I enjoyed the story but unfortunately schools don't seem to like this sort of freedom in writing

There's a difference between Irvine Welsh and the above. It's a trashy joke-story that's attempting to be edgy, but just seems really juvenile ('course, maybe the careless shift in tenses is what really bugged the teacher...)

The lesson is... don't trust people on the internet. Except me ;)

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There's a difference between Irvine Welsh and the above. It's a trashy joke-story that's attempting to be edgy, but just seems really juvenile ('course, maybe the careless shift in tenses is what really bugged the teacher...)

The lesson is... don't trust people on the internet. Except me ;)

Get a grip, its for a higher NAB (I pressume), of course its going to be fucking juvenile!.

I did notice a wee bit of "Filth" at the start blatantly nicked.

I remeber I wrote a story in standard grade which ended with a BOOM!, thats juvenile!

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Get a grip, its for a higher NAB (I pressume), of course its going to be fucking juvenile!.

I did notice a wee bit of "Filth" at the start blatantly nicked.

I remeber I wrote a story in standard grade which ended with a BOOM!, thats juvenile!

'...and then Warden woke up.'

If anyone needs any advice on may fly mating patterns, we'll give you a bell Warden. I've wasted years of my life on this pish, so I'll criticize all I like! Humbug!

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Juvenile?

I'm a 16 year old boy, who doesn't claim to be a remarkable author nor a comic genius.

its bound to be in parts

i was just trying in vain to inject some light humour into the forums, instead of purely posting band-related things, which is what i usually do.

och well. different strokes.

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There's a difference between Irvine Welsh and the above. It's a trashy joke-story that's attempting to be edgy, but just seems really juvenile ;)

It's not very original in its idea but I don't think you can call it trashy. There's some decent imagery in there, it employs a variety of forms and structures to get the point across and it reads smoothly; not bad for a sixteen-year-old. I'm pretty sure my Higher English teacher would've been fine with something like that.

If anyone needs any advice on may fly mating patterns, we'll give you a bell Warden. I've wasted years of my life on this pish, so I'll criticize all I like! Humbug

What the hell are you on about?

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Good spelling, excellent sentence structure, punctuation and use of "big" words.....

....no fucking wonder it got rejected!!!!!

Try rewriting it in "text speak", as one big block of lower-case text, with plenty of "words" like "ur, abt, omg, lol"

...and for fuck's sake please make sure you use "your/you're & there/their/they're" in the proper, modern out-of-context fashion - otherwise the diddies that pass for teachers these days will feel all threatened.

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What the hell are you on about?

He's a biology student. He loves may flies.

Sorry, I was being a dick. Ignore me man, the writing's pretty decent for a 16 year old. Your teacher's probably a stuffy bitch, so if she liked it, it probably wouldn't be any use.

I'm just a complete snob when it comes to gritty stuff. Apologies.

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It's just a fucking chain email you've copied and expanded with "killer lines" such as "the face and mouth of a whore." I first got that email about 4 years ago.

That takes no talent whatsoever so I agree it is "appaling."

Come up with your own jokes and you'll get some kudos. Blatant plagarism is neither big nor clever.

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not to my knowledge. i may have picked it up subconsciously but 100% not intentionally, and even then i cant ever recall reading any material that is the same to my story.

so angry over so little.

try venting your fury in a more constructive way, instead of over the internet to a schoolboy you've never met, about a trivial matter only designed to maybe get a bit of a laugh.

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try venting your fury in a more constructive way, instead of over the internet to a schoolboy you've never met.

Fuck, I feel like Pete Townshend. :help:

about a trivial matter only designed to maybe get a bit of a laugh.

Don't play with the big boys then come greeting when someone disagrees with you, junior.

I did laugh at the joke. When I first saw it four years ago.

I was being serious, come up with something original, post it here and you'll get respect if it's original and funny.

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Personally when I read this it made me laugh and I thought wow, your essay is excellent. Doesn't matter if it is a bit childish, it will be one hell of a lot better than the rest of the lame attempts in the class. My essays were embarrisingly awful but I still managed to get a B at higher- haha.

Can I ask what teacher it was at RGC?

HOWEVER, I was less impressed when I showed this to a friend and they told me that this was a copy off a website jokes site that he had read.

Why I fired my secretary [rec.humor.funny]

poor effort, no wonder the teacher said that to you, it even has the same title.

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I'm really sorry, but apart from it being a blatent rip off of an old joke, it's not very well written. You can't expect to get away with padding out a misogynistic joke with ramblings about how attractive the secretary is or how fat and ugly the mother in law is for an English essay, no wonder your teacher didn't like it.

I know it wasn't intentionally copied but try and write something original and that you can relate to otherwise your writing will always be stiff and unrealistic.

/rant of the English student.

Sorry, stuff like this really gets me worked up!

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