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'REAL' mirror in the ladies. I shit you not!


Flash@TMB

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Jingies...it says there's been over 1000 views of this topic. How amusing... Not such treachery afterall surely! I'm just sad that Sue Denin hasn't felt the need to comment....yet......:)

Lisa told me that she shits with the door open, so that she can see her face straining in the mirror.

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Guest DustyDeviada
German toilets are weird. They are lower to the floor so you have to strech your legs out, and shit from a sort of reclined position. They also feature this little dry shelf just under your bum and above the water line, that the turd is displayed on for inspection until you flush the toilet.

Ah yes, Die Scheidtenshelfen. I've heard of them, but never had the pleasure of trying one out myself.

They say that, like the Volkswagen beetle, this was in fact the brainchild of Adolf Hitler. Hitler apparently believed that the ability to produce a big turd was a sign of superior Aryan genetics, although it's said that he himself suffered from constipation and often left the bowl looking like a bag of Revels.

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just for the record

I do NOT go around speaking about Jamesys fat arse - this is a figment of his own bufterangus imagination.

The plot thickens though, with more fecal freaks coming out about their liking for jobby related fun , in particular, the ladies gurning at the new mirror is something that I'm sure many punters would be interested in buying a video of, in fact - how about an open mike spot on Sundays where punters can go on stage and show their best gurning face whilst playing the guitar or shitting in a bucket? - you could hold up a sheet to conceal the bog or guitar, strap on the headphones and, BINGO, an evening of facial expression related fun and frolics, the public guessing if they are doing a Jimi Hendrix solo, or a particularly nasty number two, with the Ping Pong girls flown in from Bang Kok as an added surprise.

All I want is a better standard of cleanliness in drinking establishments.

Phone a plumber.

Get a cleaner - or probably 2 for the price of one if they are Eastern European.

Stop having fantasies about me speaking about your fat arse - couldnae say I've noticed it in the past, so I'll take your word on that one, bet it isnae as tasty as mine, I've seen you looking in admiration and a touch of jealousy, perhaps with a little secret desire to give it a wee cheeky nip, BUT, nae matter how gay you make yourself appear, or how many guestlists I am on, I expect to be treated like a lady, so buy me a drink before looking next time.

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Yes i recommend that the moorings gets a german styled shitter installed as when i was in Germany i thoroughly enjoyed parking a hairy arse into it and having the utmost entertainment inspecting how healthy my bowels movements were.

This in the moorings after about 5 baltika's would make my trips outside portlethen most hainous.

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back to bogs

Ladies and Gentlemen

The next time you visit friends or family please follow these simple rules

1. use bog

2.. on entering said bog please feel free to piss all over their floor

3.. rip toilet seat of said bog

4. chuck as much bog roll down bog to block as much as possible

5.kick off now empty bog roll holder

6. dont wash hands but rip soapy machine off wall and take home

7. leave quietly and always always remember " its ok , its not my gaff"

:swearing: ?(

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Ladies and Gentlemen

The next time you visit friends or family please follow these simple rules

1. use bog

2.. on entering said bog please feel free to piss all over their floor

3.. rip toilet seat of said bog

4. chuck as much bog roll down bog to block as much as possible

5.kick off now empty bog roll holder

6. dont wash hands but rip soapy machine off wall and take home

7. leave quietly and always always remember " its ok , its not my gaff"

:swearing: ?(

Thanks Mark :)

Now if you want to make a REALLY big impression, then there some special options that may be applied, however please be aware that there is usually only time to complete one of these before the alarm is raised. Trust me, these are so hysterically funny that they will have the bog owner rolling about on the floor in stiches... er not.

a) After wiping your arse proceed to smear the used toilet paper all over the walls.

b) Lock the door of the cubicle, then climb back over and boot the door in thus breaking the lock. Now nobody else can lock the door hee hee, and they'll have to hold it shut while they shit hah hah!

c) Crap on the floor of the cubicle then discretely camoflage it with toilet tissue.

d) Kick the whole tolet pot off the floor. This breaks the U-bend and the next time someone shits it ends up on the floor giving them a real good chuckle.

e) Boot the cistern off the wall, then the inflow continuously pours water into the toilets until they flood.

f) Block the sinks with toilet paper then turn the taps on. If the taps are push downs then stamping on them will jam them open.

f) ii) Block the urinal with toilet paper. Whoa!

g) Set fire to anything made of plastic so that it melts.

h) Locate the mains water inflow pipe, and lever it off the wall then break it open, this will flood out the whole premises in just a few minutes.

i) If you have a couple of mates handy then it should be possible for a group effort to boot down the parition walls of the cubicles.

j) Rip the coat hook of the cubicle door and ram into into the hot air dryer until it jams and burns out the motor.

k) Pull out the entire roll of blue towel (this may take a few minutes but you can be discrete) then dump it in the urinal.

l) Pump all the soap out of the dispensor and channel it onto the floor, or better still into the toilet so that it foams over after it's flushed.

m) Use your pint glass to destroy the lightbulbs, plunging the bogs into darkness.

n) Pick your nose and wipe your bogies all over the tiles. Gob on the a few times too.

o) Vomit into the urinal, as this will not flush away and has to be removed by hand.

p) Stem bleeding to your face using the entire handtowel roll, then throw it in the urinal.

q) Bend the door closer upwards jamming the toilet door open.

r) Set fire to the paper towels in the dispensor, you can make this even more effective by throwing your glass of spirits over the towels first.

s) And finally... smash the mirror by hurling your pint glass through it.

That is all. Just for the record, everything in this list has been unleashed on us at some point during the past 5 years.

1050bogs.jpg

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Thanks Mark :)

Now if you want to make a REALLY big impression, then there some special options that may be applied, however please be aware that there is usually only time to complete one of these before the alarm is raised. Trust me, these are so hysterically funny that they will have the bog owner rolling about on the floor in stiches... er not.

a) After wiping your arse proceed to smear the used toilet paper all over the walls.

b) Lock the door of the cubicle, then climb back over and boot the door in thus breaking the lock. Now nobody else can lock the door hee hee, and they'll have to hold it shut while they shit hah hah!

c) Crap on the floor of the cubicle then discretely camoflage it with toilet tissue.

d) Kick the whole tolet pot off the floor. This breaks the U-bend and the next time someone shits it ends up on the floor giving them a real good chuckle.

e) Boot the cistern off the wall, then the inflow continuously pours water into the toilets until they flood.

f) Block the sinks with toilet paper then turn the taps on. If the taps are push downs then stamping on them will jam them open.

f) ii) Block the urinal with toilet paper. Whoa!

g) Set fire to anything made of plastic so that it melts.

h) Locate the mains water inflow pipe, and lever it off the wall then break it open, this will flood out the whole premises in just a few minutes.

i) If you have a couple of mates handy then it should be possible for a group effort to boot down the parition walls of the cubicles.

j) Rip the coat hook of the cubicle door and ram into into the hot air dryer until it jams and burns out the motor.

k) Pull out the entire roll of blue towel (this may take a few minutes but you can be discrete) then dump it in the urinal.

l) Pump all the soap out of the dispensor and channel it onto the floor, or better still into the toilet so that it foams over after it's flushed.

m) Use your pint glass to destroy the lightbulbs, plunging the bogs into darkness.

n) Pick your nose and wipe your bogies all over the tiles. Gob on the a few times too.

o) Vomit into the urinal, as this will not flush away and has to be removed by hand.

p) Stem bleeding to your face using the entire handtowel roll, then throw it in the urinal.

q) Bend the door closer upwards jamming the toilet door open.

r) Set fire to the paper towels in the dispensor, you can make this even more effective by throwing your glass of spirits over the towels first.

s) And finally... smash the mirror by hurling your pint glass through it.

That is all. Just for the record, everything in this list has been unleashed on us at some point during the past 5 years.

1050bogs.jpg

X-( those things are most definitely not cool.

reminds me of the kind of stuff people used to do to the toilets at school....

i guess some people just don't really progress from that mental level.

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Guest DustyDeviada

Seems to me that the only way to avoid this sort of thing is to install covert CCTV in the toilets.

Perhaps this is what Chuck Berry had in mind.

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AHA the reason for your atrocious grammar is revealed

yeh, im sure i probably did a few of thoose in school (actually sink fires were all the rage when people wanted to get out of a class... ) but... well... that was school

I have never done those nasty things, I have far more productive things to do, such as raising awareness of unhygenic facilities, and of course, my campaign for working hand washing facilities in all music venues, it's not much to ask, every other pub seems to manage it no bother, but then again, they can keep their fancy working properly taps, flowers and beer gardens, I like standing outside the Moorings getting scowled at by posh trouts in flash wee cars and 4x4s, looking down their noses, as they no doubt think we are all dirty scumbags - the sort of people far more entertained by a mirror in the bog than SKY digital in the conservatory, Oh, and other drivers stuck in traffic, and quite often shit jobs they hate, they are thirsty and jealous, and it shows, he he he, it makes me enjoy that traffic fumed cigarette air all the more, before retiring those few short steps indoors to the 80s rock music, sang by men that looked and dressed like women, and the sparkling repartee at the bar...

" Ooh it's toasty in here today", and

" Aye but there's a funny sewagey smell", and occasionally ...

"Och that's only Garth",

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I have never done those nasty things, I have far more productive things to do, such as raising awareness of unhygenic facilities, and of course, my campaign for working hand washing facilities in all music venues, it's not much to ask, every other pub seems to manage it no bother, but then again, they can keep their fancy working properly taps, flowers and beer gardens, I like standing outside the Moorings getting scowled at by posh trouts in flash wee cars and 4x4s, looking down their noses, as they no doubt think we are all dirty scumbags - the sort of people far more entertained by a mirror in the bog than SKY digital in the conservatory, Oh, and other drivers stuck in traffic, and quite often shit jobs they hate, they are thirsty and jealous, and it shows, he he he, it makes me enjoy that traffic fumed cigarette air all the more, before retiring those few short steps indoors to the 80s rock music, sang by men that looked and dressed like women, and the sparkling repartee at the bar...

" Ooh it's toasty in here today", and

" Aye but there's a funny sewagey smell", and occasionally ...

"Och that's only Garth",

Who are you to bring people up on grammar et al? He who doesn't seem to understand the usage of a full stop (it looks like this - .) - your posts are hardly up there with Proust, are they?

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Of course after doing all of those things Flash mentioned, you can't forget the inevitable "for fuck sake the toilets are flooded! That's mingin" as if it was done purposefully by the staff. Then on losing two members of bar staff to clean up the mess - from flooding or any of the other nasties above - the "for fuck sake why is it taking so long to get served, you need more staff." No, we need people who don't get their kicks from destroying things.

This is especially bad in female toilets. Girls who block the toilets by stuffing all the toilet roll down them, fuck the locks and rip seats off the bowl - then complain that there is no toilet paper and no working toilets/cubicles. Oh and blocking the sinks and leaving them running - followed by complaining about how their lovely new shoes are getting wet.

Can't be as bad as an experience in Opium in Edinburgh back in the summer, some girl had managed to get herself knocked out cold in the guys toilets, and so everyone in the club was having to use the girls. If you went near the door to the female toilets you were told there was a 20 minute wait! And so a lot of people were going next door to Subway.

Trust me though, if you are on a night out and the toilets are flooded, lacking in toilet paper/toilets etc - the people working in the establishment will suffer a lot more than you.

*rant over*

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no

Who are you to bring people up on grammar et al? He who doesn't seem to understand the usage of a full stop (it looks like this - .) - your posts are hardly up there with Proust, are they?

But I don't go around telling people to shut up for politely asking for a plumber to be summoned to fix a faulty washer, or contribute little to the discussion apart from divulging the details of a misspent youth, burning the tax payers money with vandalism.

I know, heres something that might interest you.

I had a great big steaming shite...

I one it

you two it

I three it

you four it

I five it

You six it

I seven it

You ate it,

stick THAT in your book of English Grammatical terms and read it.

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But I don't go around telling people to shut up for politely asking for a plumber to be summoned to fix a faulty washer, or contribute little to the discussion apart from divulging the details of a misspent youth, burning the tax payers money with vandalism.

I know, heres something that might interest you.

I had a great big steaming shite...

I one it

you two it

I three it

you four it

I five it

You six it

I seven it

You ate it,

stick THAT in your book of English Grammatical terms and read it.

What are you even talking about? Your posts are the verbal equivalent of what goes into the aforementioned toilets.

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Can't be as bad as an experience in Opium in Edinburgh back in the summer, some girl had managed to get herself knocked out cold in the guys toilets, and so everyone in the club was having to use the girls.If you went near the door to the female toilets you were told there was a 20 minute wait!

Did anyone else read that the wrong way? I was in shock for a couple of minutes until I figured it out LOL.

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stop rippin the feckers off theno_O

It's cool. We don't have toilet seats. The toilets are one piece moulded stainless stell units. The surfaces are factory polished to a mirror finish, which prevents germs from becoming ingrained in them. The customers can (when necessary) wipe of any drips etc with toilet roll, which leaves them with a nicely clean surface. The trade off is that they are cold to sit on for the first 5 seconds.

Rachie is probably the least likely person to vandalise a toilet heh heh. We don't get too many problems in the ladies compared with the gents. That's why they've got a real mirror now an not just a polished square of stainless steel!

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Och fitever next?

Did anyone else read that the wrong way? I was in shock for a couple of minutes until I figured it out LOL.

This would strongly hint at a predilection towards watersports - ugh, mind you, a wee paddling pool on the dancefloor wid fairly enhance the gurning/air guitar shennanigans onstage .

Before you start getting all horned up, thinking about the Ping Pong girls puddling about in the pool whilst the strainers go for it big time, their bodies hidden behind a big flag or something, only their heads and Gerry Jablonski - like faces visible to the public,sitting straining on the bucket or air guitar, it would probably look like this.

BBC NEWS | In Pictures | In pictures: World Gurning Championship

I bet the stench would be pretty bad, but I'm sure if ye combined it with a festish nicht the gas mask brigade would be in their element. Oh, and ye could probably sell a lot of latex gloves tae, negating the necessity to fix the trickly cauld taps.

I slept like a baby last nicht... pished the bed three times.

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It's cool. We don't have toilet seats. The toilets are one piece moulded stainless stell units. The surfaces are factory polished to a mirror finish, which prevents germs from becoming ingrained in them. The customers can (when necessary) wipe of any drips etc with toilet roll, which leaves them with a nicely clean surface. The trade off is that they are cold to sit on for the first 5 seconds.

Rachie is probably the least likely person to vandalise a toilet heh heh. We don't get too many problems in the ladies compared with the gents. That's why they've got a real mirror now an not just a polished square of stainless steel!

I daren't vandalise anything in your bathroom. It's fought back before... :(

Evil taps... they're out to get me...

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Wow our 5th most popular ever thread. It's even beaten 'Live Recording'... and some people complained THAT was too anal.

most entertaining thread I've read for a long time :popcorn::up: Totally ace!

What you can learn from a short time reading is amazing i.e., how to have a multi-coloured/textured shit (hubby liked that one, might theme our next TGIF party on that one), German toilet description and history (they are cool though), what people trash in toilets (dirty feckers), Grammar 101, to stick or not to stick on a floor, plumbing, tap syndrome, hand washing (they have therapy for that), views from a toilet cubicle (nice one Laura) ah the list is endless ...those mirrors deserve an award!:laughing:

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Thanks Mark :)

Now if you want to make a REALLY big impression, then there some special options that may be applied, however please be aware that there is usually only time to complete one of these before the alarm is raised. Trust me, these are so hysterically funny that they will have the bog owner rolling about on the floor in stiches... er not.

a) After wiping your arse proceed to smear the used toilet paper all over the walls.

b) Lock the door of the cubicle, then climb back over and boot the door in thus breaking the lock. Now nobody else can lock the door hee hee, and they'll have to hold it shut while they shit hah hah!

c) Crap on the floor of the cubicle then discretely camoflage it with toilet tissue.

d) Kick the whole tolet pot off the floor. This breaks the U-bend and the next time someone shits it ends up on the floor giving them a real good chuckle.

e) Boot the cistern off the wall, then the inflow continuously pours water into the toilets until they flood.

f) Block the sinks with toilet paper then turn the taps on. If the taps are push downs then stamping on them will jam them open.

f) ii) Block the urinal with toilet paper. Whoa!

g) Set fire to anything made of plastic so that it melts.

h) Locate the mains water inflow pipe, and lever it off the wall then break it open, this will flood out the whole premises in just a few minutes.

i) If you have a couple of mates handy then it should be possible for a group effort to boot down the parition walls of the cubicles.

j) Rip the coat hook of the cubicle door and ram into into the hot air dryer until it jams and burns out the motor.

k) Pull out the entire roll of blue towel (this may take a few minutes but you can be discrete) then dump it in the urinal.

l) Pump all the soap out of the dispensor and channel it onto the floor, or better still into the toilet so that it foams over after it's flushed.

m) Use your pint glass to destroy the lightbulbs, plunging the bogs into darkness.

n) Pick your nose and wipe your bogies all over the tiles. Gob on the a few times too.

o) Vomit into the urinal, as this will not flush away and has to be removed by hand.

p) Stem bleeding to your face using the entire handtowel roll, then throw it in the urinal.

q) Bend the door closer upwards jamming the toilet door open.

r) Set fire to the paper towels in the dispensor, you can make this even more effective by throwing your glass of spirits over the towels first.

s) And finally... smash the mirror by hurling your pint glass through it.

That is all. Just for the record, everything in this list has been unleashed on us at some point during the past 5 years.

You missed my personal favourite, A used tampon stuck to the mirror in the ladies...

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