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'REAL' mirror in the ladies. I shit you not!


Flash@TMB

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I like the ones which you stick your hands into and they squirt them with soap, then give plenty hot water and then nice hot air, they work a treat and save on paper towel and soap dispenser costs, why should I have to lower my standards when on the piss? , surely the punters health and well being should be a priority in establishments keen on return trade.

I canna even be arsed writing on the walls, it's too dark to read in there, and anyway if I DID, it would be purile pish like this...

I widnae lay a log in yer sesspit bog

if ye offered fifty quid or a 10 minute snog.

Of course your strong ethical and moral code will not prevent you from playing a gig here tonight... provided you get paid.

We are not a hopital or microprocessor manufacturing lab therefore hygene, whilst necessary, is not the main reason for our exitence. Yet you are still far less likely to catch a flesh eating disease in our toilets than in the ones at ARI.

Prior to our refurb at the beginning of 2004, the toilets were roughly on par with those in CBGB's, and the Dept of Environmental Health had ordered us to address that situation.

The old toilets were completely gutted (the walls were demolished and the floor dug out) and the existing ones were built to replace them. Incidentally the cost of this undertaking was roughly the same as the cost of our sound system, we just don't benefit from the same return on it.

The toilets now fully comply with modern regulatory requirements. Like all bars we are subject to an annual inspection fromt he Dept of Enviromental Health, which we pass every year. The toilets are of a very hygenic design being constructed out of tile, stainless steel, and glass. Only the ceilings remain plasterboard. The edges of the floor are fitted with tile coving. The much hated stainless toilet pots are the most hygenic type available, because germs find it hard to invade their mirrored surface, and the punters can easily remove any drips using toilet paper.

There are intact locking cubicles, flushing cisterns, urinal cakes, toilet paper, running water, soap, ventilation, hand dryers, and automatic air freshener. The only thing we are considering adding is dehumidifiers to remove some condensation.

The lighting, and lack of flat surfaces in the cubicles are only an issue for people seeking to prepare, consume, or sell drugs - activities that are punishable by an instant lifetime ban without warning. Please take note.

Our bar staff have a separate sink, which is dedicated to handwashing, and is kitted out with anti-bacterial soap.

The toilets are fully cleaned twice daily.

Despite our toilets being heavy duty we still incur substantial upkeep and vandalism related costs every year. And, like all bars, water is our single biggest and most expensive consumable.

What I am unable to do is stop men from pissing on the floor, but perhaps their penises are just too small to reach the urinal, although my own 2 incher always succeeds in closing the gap . There is however a drain inlet in the floor to soak up the worst of any overspill.

If you prefer the all-in-one soap dispensing McSinks that dry your hands then go hang out in McDonalds.

If you don't like shitting in our toilets then do it before you leave the house like everyone else does. Most civilised people consider crapping in public toilets to be reserved for emergencies only.

I will of course make the promoters aware that you would prefer to play other more hygenic venues (wherever those are), and only to book your bands as a last resort, since it's clearly traumatic for you to have to visit anywhere without a soap dispenser.

So congratulations - you've totally suceeded in pissing me off.

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i am eternally greatful for the mirror. might take a trek down tonight to admire my reflection in it...

It gets a bit steamed up, so we may to fit a dehumidifer to sort that out. You'll notice two types of light above it, white and yellowish. The yellowish ones should be white too and are getting swapped out soon. The yellowish ones shining up from the sink unit are correct though.

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och ye are nae the only anes

Sadly, plenty others are pretty stinky tae, they seem to forget that people don't like holding their breath whilst wading around in piss, and actually like to have facilities which serve the purpose for which they were intended, but, the RUNNING WATER description is a bit misleading, it's mair like trickling whilst ye strain yersel. I think we deserve hygeinic establishments, if that offends ye, then stick to documenting turds, Vic Reeves made a book about it and made enough money to wipe his arse with Swans necks for a year... or something.

Us punk rockers could teach ye a a thing aboot hygiene and manners - unlike our glowing portrayal in the media, REVOLT NOW DEMAND BETTER TAPS

( and the installation of urinals drunks can aim at )

AYE, we a ken ye have a small knob, and have nae problem aiming it, just dinna point that thing at me, I am mentally scarred for life having seen you manipulate your rather impressive scrotum outside the front door of the pub, I hope ye washed yer hands, or was a few yoga lessons and good cats dicht wi yer tongue sufficient?.

He he he, it's great that you have a fecal freak hobby, and quite bizarre that you are worked up about a punter stating facts about the inadequate supply of hot water or indeed easily accessible cold water - I hope we get paid enough to buy some wet wipes, lack of soap is one thing but NAE RUNNING WATER?, och me , I would write to The Gaudie and complain but they would only screw it up, like 62% of the other bollocks they print.

Oh!, and that hand drier is like a vespa - except lamer, tak a leaf oot o The Globe or Lemon Trees book, and get ane wi a real Harley ROAR tae it, cheers Biz.

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...........mechty what a contentious/err contagious issue. Biz, I reckon you'd like the bogs at Schipol Airport - yo just have to press your foot down on the flush that's on the floor. I'm a fan of it too.....and if you've ever been to some parts of the U.S.A you'd love the revolving (new bit every time I'm told) bit of plastic that guarantees a fresh seat every time you have a 'sit down'. You just press a button and round it comes......actually saw a toilet like that in Prague in the summer come to think. You may be a fan of that anti-bacterial handwash you can get in small bottles. It's the business when yer at a music festival or something....you may have stashes already??

I like the Moorings bar :)

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all praise the mighty Moorings- apart fae the taps

I love the Moorings bar tae - but the taps are insulting to my intelligence and the hand dryers are gay, at least the bogs dinna frequently smell of crap like certain other areas in the nearby vacinity.

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Och dinna get me started on money...

Of course your strong ethical and moral code will not prevent you from playing a gig here tonight... provided you get paid.

.

Paid would suggest us actually getting paid as a headline band - not just a 3 way split of the door money - all of which will be provided by punters which we have pulled in by acting as Promoters too. I really think it is time to change the music scene in Aberdeen back to what it was - with bands getting paid decent fees by venues and actually being allowed a guest list , NOT getting brow beaten into paying to get their partners and friends in by greedy fuckers like Paul Kef - the tramp lookalike -who , and I use the term loosely " promotes" Kef.He wouldn't allow us ONE person each - what a dick.

I want to see decent bands in clean establishments for a decent fee, I don't want to spend over 15 watching some pissed up has been reliving past glories as they drunkenly stagger around the stage in The Lemon Tree or Tunnels .

I attend a hell of a lot of gigs, and it's interesting that down south punters do not have to put up with the shit they get in Aberdeen - Moshulu is a stinky sticky mess, I got so fed up of being stuck to the floor I stopped going. It's not hard to see why people never go to gigs - attitudes towards bands and punters are shocking.

PAID now there's a thought, but it must be said that Flash always gives us cut price beer- mind you The Lemon Tree give you it free - as does The Viewfield in Arbroath - and a decent couple of rooms and a cooked breakfast, aye FUCK IT, Aberdeen sucks, I'll get me coat.

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Jamesy here.. (please note I'm fully expecting an immature response talking about coapy baps, my poofy hair or my fat arse - i expect no more from a washed up attention seeker like yourself...)

I want to see decent bands in clean establishments for a decent fee, I don't want to spend over 15 watching some pissed up has been reliving past glories as they drunkenly stagger around the stage in The Lemon Tree or Tunnels .

First things first Bizmark - Aren't 16 Again a overs band that base themsleves on pulling in punters on OTHER peoples past glories anyways? And how many times has a gig at The Tunnels actually been 15, I can't remember one...

I attend a hell of a lot of gigs, and it's interesting that down south punters do not have to put up with the shit they get in Aberdeen - Moshulu is a stinky sticky mess, I got so fed up of being stuck to the floor I stopped going. It's not hard to see why people never go to gigs - attitudes towards bands and punters are shocking.

Moshulu, The Tunnels and The Lemon Tree as always venues touring bands love coming back to - because they're great venues that provide an astonishingly high level of hospitality for acts and also bring in good crowds that are well up for it. You've experienced English crowds and hospitality and they don't compare to up here, not in the slightest.

Secondly, you need to get over this carpet thing. For the record, Moshulu, as of 3 months back, gets the carpet industrially cleaned once a month by a specialist with a special van mounted machine thing.

Thirdly, you stopped going to gigs that you never paid for (that's right ladies and gents - our favourite bizmark here is rfr's number one freeloading bastard that I personally guestlist with however many folks he wants, simply because it's easier to do that than take all the hassle i get otherwise from him, as if i don't have anything better to do than listen to his repetitive whining) because of a carpet? Some music lover you are - if a band i liked were playing in Aberdeen anywhere - even in peep peeps fucking toilets - i'd be there to see them.

And attitudes to bands and punters - coming from the naive sexist that openly badgered The Hot Puppies keyboardist and kept telling her how he (The forty odd year old stoner...) would love to shag her - let's not even mention the Amy Sawyers post and all else...

C'mon, you're a fucking joke. Aberdeen is fucking ace, and bands love coming here. Maybe if local bands showed a little more ambition and willingness to graft, then promoters would open their arms a little more. If I had a quid for every time an Aberdeen band had convinced me how much they wanted on a certain bill with a certain band and how hard they'd work if I helped them out, then pulled about 5 people, I wouldn't be here reading your arrogant self-righteous horseshit.

Love and Kittens,

Young James.

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Moshulu is a stinky sticky mess, I got so fed up of being stuck to the floor I stopped going.

They cleaned the floors

I was surprised when all the girls were able to run away from me for once o_O

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Jamesy here.. (please note I'm fully expecting an immature response talking about coapy baps, my poofy hair or my fat arse - i expect no more from a washed up attention seeker like yourself...)

First things first Bizmark - Aren't 16 Again a overs band that base themsleves on pulling in punters on OTHER peoples past glories anyways? And how many times has a gig at The Tunnels actually been 15, I can't remember one...

Moshulu, The Tunnels and The Lemon Tree as always venues touring bands love coming back to - because they're great venues that provide an astonishingly high level of hospitality for acts and also bring in good crowds that are well up for it. You've experienced English crowds and hospitality and they don't compare to up here, not in the slightest.

Secondly, you need to get over this carpet thing. For the record, Moshulu, as of 3 months back, gets the carpet industrially cleaned once a month by a specialist with a special van mounted machine thing.

Thirdly, you stopped going to gigs that you never paid for (that's right ladies and gents - our favourite bizmark here is rfr's number one freeloading bastard that I personally guestlist with however many folks he wants, simply because it's easier to do that than take all the hassle i get otherwise from him, as if i don't have anything better to do than listen to his repetitive whining) because of a carpet? Some music lover you are - if a band i liked were playing in Aberdeen anywhere - even in peep peeps fucking toilets - i'd be there to see them.

And attitudes to bands and punters - coming from the naive sexist that openly badgered The Hot Puppies keyboardist and kept telling her how he (The forty odd year old stoner...) would love to shag her - let's not even mention the Amy Sawyers post and all else...

C'mon, you're a fucking joke. Aberdeen is fucking ace, and bands love coming here. Maybe if local bands showed a little more ambition and willingness to graft, then promoters would open their arms a little more. If I had a quid for every time an Aberdeen band had convinced me how much they wanted on a certain bill with a certain band and how hard they'd work if I helped them out, then pulled about 5 people, I wouldn't be here reading your arrogant self-righteous horseshit.

Love and Kittens,

Young James.

Wow, using robs account to post messages i'm sure theres something in terms of use about this

Oh yes, here it is

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Guest DustyDeviada

Getting back to the subject of big turds, I find that the major problem in producing a big dump is gravity. Unfortunately the sheer weight of the dump will break it in half before it hits the water.

I've conducted some in-depth research on the matter, and I find that toilets in the US are best for producing big jobbies - the water in the bowl is typically higher up and offers a soft landing, thus preventing mid-shit breakage.

I took some photos of my work the last time I was in New York which I can post in the gallery if anyone is interested.

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Ooo, burn!

The mirror is ace, and as full length as you could get it which is even better. And you had toasted sandwiches in the other day for the first time in ages! Or maybe you always have them and I just forget to ask/don't get there fast enough. Only thing I have to say about the toilets is that they can get fucking freezing but it's helpful to cool down in the middle of a sweaty gig.

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Ooo, burn!

The mirror is ace, and as full length as you could get it which is even better. And you had toasted sandwiches in the other day for the first time in ages! Or maybe you always have them and I just forget to ask/don't get there fast enough. Only thing I have to say about the toilets is that they can get fucking freezing but it's helpful to cool down in the middle of a sweaty gig.

I figured out how to work the heaters last night without melting the oil out of the door closer, and this solved the condensation problem in the ladies. It only took me 3 years.

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Getting back to the subject of big turds, I find that the major problem in producing a big dump is gravity. Unfortunately the sheer weight of the dump will break it in half before it hits the water.

I've conducted some in-depth research on the matter, and I find that toilets in the US are best for producing big jobbies - the water in the bowl is typically higher up and offers a soft landing, thus preventing mid-shit breakage.

I took some photos of my work the last time I was in New York which I can post in the gallery if anyone is interested.

Fuckin right! Please post them in this thread.

German toilets are weird. They are lower to the floor so you have to strech your legs out, and shit from a sort of reclined position. They also feature this little dry shelf just under your bum and above the water line, that the turd is displayed on for inspection until you flush the toilet. The water jet sits at the back of this shelf and hoses the turd quite violently into the well below where it churns and froths around until exiting via the U-bend. It's great stuff. Particularily if you adapt your diet to achieve the best results: for instance swallowing whole peanuts, then 4 hours later some beetroot, then topping it off with cream and sweetcorn after a further 4 hours have elapsed produces an incredible multitextured and multicoloured shit.

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Paid would suggest us actually getting paid as a headline band - not just a 3 way split of the door money - all of which will be provided by punters which we have pulled in by acting as Promoters too. I really think it is time to change the music scene in Aberdeen back to what it was - with bands getting paid decent fees by venues

Until 3 years ago I would have agreed with you. In fact I recall posting something similar on this very forum around 3 1/2 years back. But, with a little more experience to draw on, I'd like to completely retract those comments.

Firstly the simple economics. On Friday we had a DJ. The bar was very busy, especially between 11pm and 1am. Last night with your band playing was not as busy, and we took less money over the bar. So given that you believe the band should take a share of the bar takings, would you also be prepared to share in our LOSS. A loss that is made heavier because we paid for a sound engineer, a stagehand, and an extra bar person just in case it was busy.

Looking back through our figures there are few instances where live music produces sufficient extra bar takings to cover the cost of putting on the gig. Which is why some venues raid the door money... because they have every right to. We're not a fuckin charity.

No venue in this town makes any money. Even the Lemon Tree was in the paper for running up substantial debts, and they have it easy! If you pull our books of the Internet then you'll discover that neither Laura of myself have ever been paid a wage, or taken any money from the business. Despite more than doubling the turnover, and receiving regular cash injections (around 2/3rds of our income is poured into this black hole), the bar has only just started to break even. Last financial year it made a whopping 5,000. Whoopdeedo! That's a whole 20p an hour. Every other year it's lost around 20,000. So at this rate we'll be on an even keel by 2047. It's more akin to running a very cost effective party than a business. All of this information is in the public domain.

And - turst me - everywhere else is in a similar or worse situation. So cut out the whiney grasping crap. We've already lost one damn good venue.

NOT getting brow beaten into paying to get their partners and friends in by greedy fuckers like Paul Kef

Yeah I'm having champers on his yacht next Thursday. Moshulu Robb's flying us all out there in his helicopter.

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Jamesy here... Secondly, you need to get over this carpet thing.

My favourite ever restaurant was the original Fortune Chinese at the bottom of Crown Street. It was BYOB, and the bogs were on par with The Neptune. The door to the gents was hanging on one hinge, and on the floor they had these really sticky orange carpet tiles. I recall once, on my way to the toilet, one of the carpet tiles stuck to my shoe, and came up off the floor. But the food was great.

The Sloe Club and The Venue both had sticky carpets too. It was part of the appeal. Sticky carpets mean that you are in a good honest down to earth club where people can have fun, spill their drinks, and occasionally puke on the floor without getting chucked out. For every fucker that moans about the carpet, there are another ten silent people like me who prefer it sticky.

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yep, I'd agree with you there. If you don't like sticky carpets then don't spill your drinks. And if you say you don't you're a liar, everyone has kicked over a pint accidently or stumbled over the cube stools in Moshulu carrying 4 Aftershocks and ending up covered in them, as I remember doing when I was younger.

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holy mackerel, I only asked for working taps

GET IT UP YE

ticket prices for the fall are.

16 for each single day

or

28 for a special two day pass

Very surprising, having read the accounts of him showing up late, staggering around stage bleezing, detuning guitars and being an arse at The Lemon Tree, like one or two others I winna mention.

I would hardly describe myself as washed up - something to do with lack of facilities.

Dinna get me started about food, ESPECIALLY SOUP, I expect to be served food which at least resembles it's description, AND I want clean tablecloths and cutlery.

That gives me an idea, how about me doing a little food and whine column in Fudge Fanzine?, you would love it, it would give establishments marks out of ten for punter friendliness, deducting points for lame toilet facilities, plastic table cloths with smears, and whining managers complaining about how little they earn.

ME? offering private lessons in horizontal jogging with lady band members?, whatever next? , establishment owners complimenting each other on their inadequate facilities? promoters doing their jobs instead of passing the buck to the artists?, he he he, it's great that so many people are exposing themselves in a new light, I never realised that hanging around in seedy ill lit toilets viewing fecal matter was such a popular pastime involving international travel and a strict eating regime, I am well known for speaking shite, but not for speaking about it, keep those insults coming, it's the sort of thing that normally costs 1.50 a minute, but the band coffers are a wee bit low the noo, mind you we had an EXCELLENT view of the Lunar eclipse outside the Moorings, I hope to see it repeated next week, we could use Flashs record breaking nutsack to recreate the historic occasion.

See ye doon Peep Peeps toilet cubicle for a special accoustic set by 16again.

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Why do people moan about the (ocassionally) sticky floors in 'shulu; but get all misty-eyed and nostalgic over the constantly sticky floors in The Palace?

I'd like to petition for a full-length mirror in the gents, or I'll have to continue sneaking into the girls bogs to admire myself.

We could mirror all 4 walls of the cubicle for that full 360 effect. At least then you'll see why we keep moaning about the builders bum and frontal pubage in your trapping pants.

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We could mirror all 4 walls of the cubicle for that full 360 effect. At least then you'll see why we keep moaning about the builders bum and frontal pubage in your trapping pants.

That sounds incredible, though I might get stuck in there, Vince Noir-style.

WELCOME TO THE MIRROR WORLD!

untitled.jpg

Look at them shine, look at them shine, look at them shine, etc...

My trapping pants have never let me down...

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