Death Metal

[Stripey]

DEATH-METAL-PUBLICIST BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT.

BY JOE CHELLINO

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JEFF AND AUDREY CRENSHAW are tickled BLOOD RED over the birth of their daughter, PENNY. After an initial meeting between Jeff (guitar, vo-killz) and AUDREY (reference librarian, hobbyist cook) and several years LIVING IN BLACKEST SIN followed by GODLESS, NONSECULAR MARRIAGE, a decision was made to INTENSIFY THE MAYHEM by producing SCREAMING, POSSIBLY COLICKY OFFSPRING. Jeff's SPASTIC AND THRASHING COITAL ASSAULT around Christmas of 2004 was a GORE-IFIC success, and, shortly thereafter, BLOOD, SINEW, AND BONE began to form in Audrey's HOPELESSLY FERTILE WOMB. Audrey's BRUTAL AND TORTUROUS labor lasted a HELLISH 18 hours and produced INHUMAN, ATONAL, ANIMAL-LIKE HOWLS OF ANGUISHED PAIN. The PIERCED FLESH OF HER BACK BLED slightly as THE NEEDLE DUG INTO HER SPINE, delivering her epidural, lessening the DEMONIC BLITZKRIEG OF VENOMOUS, PRIMAL LABOR PAIN. With a SICKENING, BONE-SEPARATING POP, Penny's GLISTENING GREEN AND BLOOD-SPATTERED head was finally visible as her ONSLAUGHT OF BLISTERINGLY LOUD, AGONIZED SHRIEKS filled the delivery room sometime in the WITCHING HOURS of September 16, 2005. At birth, Penny was a KRUSHING 8 pounds, 11 ounces, and 21 inches of WRITHING FLESH. Thanks to all who brought casserles, love, and support.