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101 Rules Of..................

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101 rules of Black Metal

by Harry and Steve of Kail

Don't be gay.

Be "true".

All people who arent "true" are gay.

Be grim.

Be necro.

Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.

Break things while being grim and necro.

Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.

Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...

...Listen to Peccatum.

When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.

Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".

Don't be Dani Filth.

Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."

Don't be Dani Filth.

When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.

Run for it!

Sodomize a virgin whore.

Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.

When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"

If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.

Turn any cross you find upside-down.

Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..

Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.

Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.

a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.

Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

Don't make jokes only your mom would get.

Don't make jokes.

When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.

Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.

To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".

Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.

When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.

Never play live.

When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.

Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)

When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.

Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".

Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.

When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".

Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.

Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.

Record everything in the same studio with the same producer / instruments / equipment / etc.

Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).

Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.

Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.

Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.

Never say "friggin".

Never finish anything you start.

The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".

If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".

All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.

When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.

Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.

Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)

Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.

Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.

If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)

(666, rather) Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.

Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).

Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(

Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...

Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.

Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.

Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".

True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"

@#%$, I'm talking to myself again.

Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

That's better, on with the interview!

Whenever you want to set a plot for something grim, let it be Transsylvania.

Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")

Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.

Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

Don't make Beastie Boys references.

Don't make references.

Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.


If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".

As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.

Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)

Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.

I will not add that as it is not metal enough.

Are you metal enough to be reading this?

Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.

Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.

Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.

Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)

In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)

I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.

And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!

You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

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:up: lol

You should be careful not to influence people with this, all the teenage boys who have too much angst because nobody likes them in school might take it seriously

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101 rules of death metal (especially numbered for Dayeth)

1. Be Br00tal

2. dont be gay

3. Any one who isnt br00tal, is gay...

4. be gore

5. try and be br00tal gore if at all possible

6. Dont sit and watch any bands at any concerts, you must mosh, even if you hate the band.

7. Use the word "crushing" to describe things that are cool.

8. blast beats mean good drumming

9. never under any circumstances listen to....

10. six feet under

11. dont be Chris Barnes

12. if someone asks you if you like Cannibal Corpse, only say Chris Barnes CC, but maintaining

your hate for him all the while

13. if in doubt, use some verb for vomiting in a song/ album title.


15. Anything not ruthless or brutal is gay.

16. Maiden is pussy music, it doesnt crush...

17. for some reason, you must accept syl as deathmetal....

18. when your mom asks you to take out the trash, smash her face with a hammer, and rape her

infront of your sister, then exhume a corpse and have a threesome with it and your mother

19. old cannibal owns\m/

20. hate old cannibal

21. when your mom makes you take the trash out via threats of violence tell her you only did

it because your ruthless enough to handle anything, then kick the trashcan.

22. make fun of numetal using drop tuned 7s and simple riffs, then be in a band that does

exactly that.

23. suffocation must be worshiped and copied no matter what.

24. name your band disgorge

25. do a slayer cover.

26. when in doubt say BRUTAL DEATH METAL!

27. smash crosses

28. youre not trying hard enough to be brutal

29. having a girlfriend is gay, it makes you less brutal

30. say you love Cryptopsy, but hate all albums besides None So Vile.

31. Blast beats can fill ANYTHING.


33. try as hard as you can to be gross, at the expense the entire band.

34. you can never have enough Carcass clones....

35. alas...dont be Dani Filth..

36. Say that all American deathmetal sucks, dispite the fact that most European bands are just

copies of the American invented sound.

37. admit devin townsend is your lord and savior.

38. dont be grim

39. its perfectly plausable to be true and brutal in concurrance.

40. necro is cool, be necro....necro is used in deathmetal song titles....be necro...

41. sing about outragous gore, why god sucks...as much as possible.

42. infact...gorey deaths of jesus are what you should sing about, so sing...

43. if in a chatroom. kick and ban as many as possible to prove your brutality.

44. rap is not brutal.

45. if your girlfriend makes you listen to rap, berate her until the relationship dies.

46. wiggers are the declared enemy.

47. the low end of the bass is never too low, infact it could be even heavyer, tune down

another step.

48. worship flo from cryptopsy

49. be racist and talk about suffocations ownage in the same sentence.

50. name your band disgorge.

60. when asked what deathmetal stands for say "DeathMetal is the soundtrack to societys end,

mankind is useless, its the raw essence of nature and its brutality!" when the real reason you

listen to it is blastbeats and funny lyrics.

61. hate punk

62. seriously, hate punk, and anything else weak.

63. feelings other then that of rage, the will to commit murder, or brutality are not true,

nor are they brutal.

64. if you cry, you are not DEATHMETAL.

65. hate powermetal.

66. sing about corpses

67. when you pull a skinless and become commerical deathcore...say you did it for artistic


68. hate new slayer

69. denouce slayer as not an inovator of deathmetal at all...

70. secretly love slayer

71. only admit to liking a few slipknot songs when drunk.

72. SLIPKNOT!?s:slkhD WHAT?

73. Pretend members of your family apprecaite deathmetal at 3 am.

74. insist on talking to uninterested parties about deathmetal and assume they understand what

NUMETAL means, what blastbeats are, and care why Morbid Angel crushes.

75. Insit that suffocation are gods...

76. numetal is fucking gay.

77. seriously, ever heard the band staind? wow, you just wanna slap aaron lewises bald head

with a hammer.

78. Greet only with Hail.

79. if someone is especialy brutal say "HAIL MOTHERFUCKER"

80. copy the 101 rules for blackmetal for ideas.

81. necro, any form of vomit, or misanthrope own and should be done as much as possible, to

the point you want to smash stuff with hammers.

82. Hammers are cool.

83. the word OWN is the best word for any situation.

84. this owns

85. Hammers own.


87. Kill posers, with hammers....

89. Dont be Fear Factory

90. entrails are fun to sing about...

91. in addition to hammers and guts, chainsaws are also fun fun.

92. never use the term "fun fun"

93. Do stupid stunts that will no doubt prove your "brutality"

94. if its br00tal, it owns.

95. Say you want to fuck Angela Gassow, but hate her music.

96. Dont be Chris Barnes, seriously....

97. Say your favorite band is Death, but never listen to them.

98. "ruthless" is another welcomed addition to your vocabulary.

99. Hate inflames

100. You liked Inflames 3 years ago, but now youve always hated them

101. What the fuck are you still reading this for...pick up a chainsaw and attack some


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just don't encourage dayeth he already thinks he owns all aberdeen music forum members

...maybe he does :(

If you knew how far my influence went in the universe, you'd die.

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