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no i don't.

if that were the case' date=' people starting threads with questions would have to answer them themselves, and that'd be rubbish.[/quote']

But you surely can't leave us hanging like that. I assumed you started the thread to share your own stories. Sorry, I just want to bear witness to the talents of the TS Eliot of Tillydrone.

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But you surely can't leave us hanging like that. I assumed you started the thread to share your own stories. Sorry' date=' I just want to bear witness to the talents of the TS Eliot of Tillydrone.[/quote']

i didn't start this thread so i could post my own stories. otherwise, i would have posted my own stories.

i started it so i could read other people's stories, silly.

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Henry's Cat - A harrowing tale of lust, revenge and 3-d mind puzzles; set in the Yorkshire televison studios.

Chapter One

Once upon a time there was a dog called Henry's Cat. Which was wierd, because he was indeed a dog, and his owner was called Gregory. Now Henry's Cat was no ordinary dog. He wasn't a superdog or anything exciting like that, but he wasn't ordinary. If you try to think about what an ordinary dog is, you'll pretty much come up with a medium sized brown dog with a short tail and those dog teeth that look like they need a good clean. Henry's Cat was a medium sized dog, with a short tail; but he had impecable dental hygiene. The reason for this being that Gregory's mother was in fact a dog dentist.

Dog dentists, coming a close second to call center worker, is the best job in the world since not many dogs have teeth. It's a little known fact that most dogs are born without teeth. Some more prosperous families in the United Kingdom, and other countries, provide their dogs with dentures, but most people just leave them to eat dog food, which is in fact mostly liquid.

Henry's Cat didn't like eating dog food. He didn't even like eating cat food. This was due to the fact that he was an upper-class pup. He lived on caviar and lobster. The only problem with this was that it led to him suffering from gout. Gout, for those of you that are unfamiliar with the disease, is cause by a build up of acid in the joints. This acid is caused by eating rich foods, and listening to music by pop supremo Billie Piper. The solution to it, as documented in the British Medical Journal is to start living like a chav. Henry's Cat wasn't too pleased with this, but when he discovered that he would be able to continue dressing in his Burberry legwarmers and collar he jumped at the chance- in the way that only a dog can, i.e. using his hind legs, even though he has ones at the front too.

Now Gregory's parents had a rather large Stately home, located near the Yorkshire Television studios. In fact that yellow triangular symbol of said televison network is actual based on the layout of their home. One day when Henry's Cat was out for a walk with Gregory he was coming around what would be the very point at the bottom of the symbol - which is a rather opulant four storey conservatory with a spiral staircase - his lead was struck with lightening. Gregory being the resourceful boy scout that he is was of course wearing rubber soled shoes and was not harmed. But Henry's Cat was frazzled. He shook on the ground like an epiliptic faking a fit so that they don't have to go to work. Gregory followed the rules of his scouting badge, which he had completed forty years previous. He put a spoon in the mouth of his beloved dog and prodded him with a wooden broomstick. Of course any first aider would know that both of these procedures are long outdated, and of course the consequences occurred immediately.

Henry's Cat's canine teeth fell out and his leg snapped off. Gregory's father, Bastian, ran towards his son and their beloved pet. He had witnessed the accident from his observation deck of the family's luxury yacht which was tethered in the nearby lake. He scooped up Henry's Cat - who you'll remember is still shaking and rushed him to the nearest vehicle, the family's private helicopter. He told their pilot Boston, a Hindu from Djbouti, that this was an emergency and they must travel to the nearest hospital. Boston, who had previously worked as a taxi driver, ballet choregrapher and newspaper editor had great knowledge of the local area and knew that there was a hospital set within the grounds of the Yorkshire Television lot. They took off at once and travelled to the hospital.

"Gregory, contact you're mother and alert her to our predicament." snapped Bastian.

"Okay father," Gregory replied as he dialled his mother on his mobile telephone.

"NO!" Screamed Boston.

But it was too late, the telephone's signal had interferred with the helicopter's instruments. The aircraft started plummetting towards the earth.

End of Chapter One

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Filthpact - only a 4 hour drive tour 2005

Filthpact Its Only A 4 hour Drive Euro Tour 2005

13 gigs

10 Countries

4,806 Miles

Day 1 Cricketers Arms, Sheffield(ENG) With: Fuelled BY Hate, Snowblood

So yeah, after driving pretty much all morning, we arrive in Sheffield and find the pub relatively easily. We have a drink then go find some food and an off-license. Some jakey bams ask us to buy them some tins, theyre promptly ignored. I get a new type of 6ider that I havent tried, mixed with blackcurrant its pretty nice. Anyway, the gig is fucking well packed to the brim with punks and crusties, and after a rather spiffing set by Fuelled By Hate, we go on and play pretty well, people seem to enjoy it. We leave as soon as Snowblood are finished and I pass out. I apparently start sleep walking around the van and almost pissed on one of the guitar cabs. Oops. When we arrive in Dover, it turns out Mitch booked the ferrys backwards. DOH!!!!


Day 2 Crust Fest, De Bosuil, Weert(NL) With: lots of crust and fastcore and grind bands.

So, we get on the ferry and have a wee brekkie then drive all morning to get to the fest. Im on navigator duties and get there with only two wrong turns. Yippee. The fest is pretty big with lots of bands, but the venue is never really totally packed. Anyway after checking out the massive merch stalls, we see Gascoigne then have to play pretty much. It goes alright and we get a few free beers each. We then get more beers and some smoke and Im wasted. Set up merch stall with Roddy then go off to find the others, but Im away for ages, cos Im drunk. Its around this time that I get into Skubba mode in the leopard king outfit. This involves leopard print tights and a leopard print cloak.


Jesus. So I start doing diving rolls on the grass and walking about thinking I am the lord of the jungle. The problem is, I stay outside most of the time and miss all the bands. Then the thunder storm starts, and at one point, the thunder is so loud it sets off a van alarm outside the tent. Ace. So we start having races in the rain, then get some food, with this ace peanut sauce. Then its time to convince some random guy that hes in a gay tent. Ace. Next is time to pass out.

Day 3 Day off drive to Germany

So we have a day off. Whatever. We stay in Weert and have some lunch in the town before heading off. I then do a big poo that looks amazingly like the p-nut sauce from the night before. We try every service station but cant find an NL sticker. Fucking cunts. Roddy also shows us putting in his PA piercing. It smells. Anyway, drive till night then stop in a lay-by and set up the tent and a have a few beers. Get stoned then I decide that Scottish guys can use the girls toilet because we wear kilts, and if you tell foreign girls that, theyll find it funny and give you oral pleasure.

Day 4 Cassiopeia, Berlin(GER) With: Alliance, DIE!

So, were closer than we thought and arrive in Berlin and find the venue by about midday. So where to go but the pub. So pub it is. Few beers then an internet caf, then Halford rock pub. The owner thinks hes Rob Halford and puts on a Manowar DVD. Ace. Me and Alby get a game of kicker finally, and I have my first Stein. Im bleazin, And its only about 4. Go back to the venue and I puke. We drink more again at the gig, get some food and Im drunk again. I sleep in the van before we play to sober up a bit. We play alright.


Alliance are ace. I then drink again, we go to the flat were staying at, get more food (2 euro pizza), sing bus station loonies songs then go to an all night pub where I get drunk again. 3 times in one fucking day. Genius. I then walk back form the pub in the leopard tights. Then bong. Then pass out.

Day 5 Caf Misena, Poznan(POL) With: Born/Dead, The Tangled Lines

We have brekkie at Mickis and I get sore guts. Not surprisingly. Do a monster of a poo. Feels almost good. Cross the border into Poland with no real trouble, and discover how nuts polish drivers are. Find house and have our tea and meet Super Marian. Go to venue and play frizbee. Yas. We play first and its alright. Then finally get some beer which makes me happier. Then drink some Dooleys and Jager compliments to Alby. Have a convo with some locals and one guy comments on how good the t-shirt design is, which is nice. We then go back to a flat and have some beer and noodles, then of course, I pass out.

Day 6 Kombi, Nunchritz(GER) With: Born/Dead, Mass Genocide Process

So, we wake up early and head back to the house for coffee. On the way, we spot a drunk Marian hitch-hiking and pick him up. Decide hes going to come to a few gigs with us. Crazy polish drivers are overtaking cars which are overtaking other cars on single lane roads. Nuts! They search our bags at the border and the guy laughs at some of the contents of the bags, then we go. Apparently this drive will take 4 hours. It takes 7. Small roads. But the place is a nice squat with internet and a good cheap kicker table. Ace. Me and Alby battle it out. Mitch finds out our Milan gig is cancelled. Arse. Theres a big backstage room with food, fridge of beer and bunk beds. Ideal! Drink our fill for sure. Mitch then makes me do the dishes and on cleaning the last of the plates, I am informed that they have a dishwasher. Arse! We play alright, then do some poxy human pyramids during MGP, who are fucking ace! I pass out behind the merch desk and get magic markered. Then I go to bed.

Day 7 day off drive halfway across Czech Republic.

The border is really cool from Germany to Czech. Right after border we stop at the Tigermarket!!! - http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/thurisaz/4%20Hour%20Drive%20Tour/PICT0052.jpg

Great photo!! So we arrive in some town and Marian tells us he knows some people that live there, so we meet up with them and get some food and then a pub. - http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/thurisaz/4%20Hour%20Drive%20Tour/PICT0053.jpg

Turns out the band, Thema Eleven, Mitch is putting them on in Aberdeen next month. Small world. Get a house to sleep in (where MGP happen to be sleeping also).

Day 8 DIY Fest 5, Frydek Mystek(CZ) With: lots of fucking bands.

So after about 8 piss stops on a short drive, we get to the fest. Its raining so the fest has been moved indoors. Still good. We arrive and get some beer and meet Bilos from Malignant Tumour. What a legend. Theres a shitload of bands. Red Grave are ace(mon the drone!!!). Im pretty wasted after chatting to some girl and pass out behind merch desk. Wake up not knowing ive been seriously magic markered. -http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/thurisaz/4%20Hour%20Drive%20Tour/PICT0056.jpg

Get leopard king on the go and its the best ming the merciless costume ever.




So I pass out again. Or do I? Anyway, me Mitch and Roddy try to find a chipper, but cant, so we get a taxi to Tesco and liberate some pastis and get some pieces. We then start walking back..not knowing which way to go. We cant get a taxi. Im magic markered to fuck and I have no idea. I ask a car full of pillheads for a cigarette, they give me one. We finally get a taxi. We tell him the only place we know to go, the Albert supermarket. Its about 2AM. He says Its closed. Haha. Wed been walking the wrong direction for about half an hour. Get back. Pass out in van.

Day 9 Country and Western Pub, Bratislava(SK) Idiots Parade, Festa Desperato

So, I wake up in the back of the van and somehow Super Mario has managed to lie between Mitch and me so his elbows in my face. Anyway, me and Roddy go into town for an internet caf, and when we find one, I see myself in the mirror and finally discover all the marker on my face. Hood goes up to shield my face form peoples views. Anyway walking back to the venue, we see a toy shop that has an inflatable tiger for sale, which Roddy buys for me and it is promptly named Skubba. Go back and get a toastie and pint from the venue, which is nice of them. Bilos turns up and proclaims in a loud and happy voice I had a good sleep and a good fuck! Fucking legend! So, after some brekkie, we get a photo with Bilos, then give him the leopard tights cos he loves them. - http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/thurisaz/4%20Hour%20Drive%20Tour/PICT0069.jpg

Get some photos, say bye to Super Marian and then hit the road. - http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/thurisaz/4%20Hour%20Drive%20Tour/PICT0072.jpg

We cross at a small border which we have no trouble at and head to Slovakia. But we cant get a motorway pass from any service stations, so to avoid a fine, we go to the police station(!!) to ask what the deal is, and apparently, we dont need one, which is good. So, we see a car drive past us with guitars that wave, so we reckon its one of the bands. But they sped away and didnt wait, so Jeeves and Ben place a bet about whether its one of the bands playing or not. 4 whole pence they bet. So we arrive in Bratislava, drive around like a blind mouse trying to find the venue, then see some crusties walking up a road so we go up that one and there it is. A country and western bar in the middle of nowhere. Ace! We get some pasta and set up, with Skubba in the bass drum bobbing his head everytime the bass drum gets hit, ahhaha. Then Idiots Parade play. Fucking hell, theyre the best band Ive ever seen I reckon. Drummer pulls some awesome facials, singer screaming her heart out and killing men with her looks and guitars lines that go faster than Superman cumming. Fucking ace. Skubbas head was going like a Slayer fan at Wembley Stadium in 1990. So then, Festa Desperato, another ace band! Total brutal d-beat crust. Love it. Then us, and it goes down amazingly. Fucking love it. But some cunt fucking bursts Skubba!?!!?! Poor girl. So we go back to the drummer from Adactas flat whose name in Scottish is apparently Hamish. Ace. Hes a quality guy, we get beer and he cooks us some more food, and what a fucking cook he is! Were meant to get up at 8AM, so we have a smoke (I think) and then pass out on these couch/bed things, so practical and even more comfortable.

Day 10 a big scary place, Budapest(HUN) With: Step On It, Jack

So, we wake up at 8, Jeeve sis reay to go, turns out we can sleep till 12, fuck it, IM tired so I fall straight back into deep space. Have brekkie, then were off. At the border the guard says British? Okay and just lets through. Fucking amazing. We get to Budapest and its FUCKING massive. Were well early so we park up then go for some internet and falafel action. But I need a poop so no filafel for me. Get to an internet caf and its like sitting in someones living room. Watch TV and chat to one of the Nigerian guys that lives/works there and a Swiss guy who is weird, but cool. Telling us how Zurich is a shit place and the Swiss are bastards. Ace, but weird. Meeet the organizer, get some good goulash type food then off to venue. Huge cultural centre with the BIGGEST bit of graffiti Ive ever seen. Entire side of a multi story building is one big piece. Ace. Play some kicker with Alby then get doubles on the go and are GUBBED by a couple of locals, then off to an offy to get some beers. Lots of big bottles. We then start the AHHHHH WHIT??? calling out in reference to a member from Oi Polloi and a scene in a Hospital. So, Step On It first who are amazing thrashcore stuff. Then jack, similar, also ace! Then us, and it goes down well. We get paid 12,000!!! Its not much, but it just sounds ace to say we got paid 12,000 of something! Have to leave straight after and go to Tesco. First of all, the oilet is DISGUSTING. Theres shite on the seats. Awful, then, we find a fish tank. Its crammed. Fish cant breathe or move barely. Almost puke. So I liberate some kinder eggs and we buy some food. Cant believe those fucking fish. Have a conversation about if space exists and then move on to old cartoons and toys from our childhood. Drink a bottle of red wine, or two, cant remember. Sleep in tent.

Day 11 Komen(SLO) With: Broken Bottles

Its a long drive to Ljublina, but we get there eventually. After 10 hours in the van. We get some good vegan pasta when we piuck up one of the organisers and still have a further drive. Theres a crash so we have to take another route, and get slightly lost. But its okay, we get there eventually.We get some more bread and some red wine. Ace. Broken Bottles are pretty good, the dsrummer is amazing and pulls some ace facials. Then its us and it goes down pretty fucking good. Real good crowd for a Monday night and such a small town. We drink and eat and smoke in the backstage room and then me and Roddy cuddle up and I pass out. Apparently I get stripped and violated, but I dont remember. Totally flangegasted. Its an uncomfortable sleeping position, but fuck it.

Day 12 drive across Italy heading for Switzerland.

We take lots of small country roads out of Slovenia and finally get across the border after ages. So we stop off for a Pizza, I mean, were in Italy, we have to. Its amazing. Then the others go for a swim in the Mediterranean, but I have to watch the stuff. Ach well. I getto wash my feet, but it doesnt help much. We do more long drivbing, drop Roddy off at the airport for his 26 hour wait, haha, then head into the alps, where we see Satan in the rocks and drink some booze before sleeping in the tent.


Day 13 Yverdonne, CH (thats Switzerland, not Chile) With: CBT(I think)

We do lots of driving through some of the most beautiful scenery ever. The alps really are a beautiful site. But, we cross the border into Switzerland and its not so beautiful no more. We have to empty our pockets, asked what drugs we take, told coffee is the same as XTC and then Mitch and Ben get thoroughly inspected, then we go. The bridge through the mountains costs around 36 euro. Fucking hell. So we stop in a small town for lunch, which is nice, but my French is decidedly shite. We then drive through Montreux playing Smoke On The Water but none of the locals seem to flinch. We arrive at the squat and its lovely. Out in the countryside. Were given free booze and then an amazing lasagne and salad. I get totally ripped and have to sleep before I play. Which I do. When we do play, its fucking ace. Not so many people, but theyre all well into it. Even a guy with one leg was going fucking nuts. Love it. -http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/thurisaz/4%20Hour%20Drive%20Tour/PICT0104.jpg

Stand out by the fire and get wasted with the locals and the band from France, and its ace, then we retire to the comfy beds. Love it.

Day 14 Elephant Pub, St Etienne(FRA) With: Duracell, Sickness

No guards on the border, but we get stopped on the motorway by Police and searched. Nothing to hide. We have to pay shitloads on Motorway tolls. Finally get to the pub and get some scran. Pasta slop, but affy good. Also some beer and wine. Ace. Duracell, a solo computer game soundtrack/drum project is amazing. Totally amazing. Check his videos out at http://zerojardins.com . Anyway, we play second so that we can load gear and get ready for the long drive to London. Then watch Sickness who are ace. Its then long drive time, all night to London. Im first on stay up duty with driver. Manage about 3-5 hours, not sure. Then cant sleep. At all. No sleep (or very very little) until night after London gig. Get to Calais in good time and get earlier ferry.

Day 15 Squat or Rot @ The Overdraught, Hackney, London With:Non Profit Suicida

So, were in Calais, getting on to the earlier ferry. The woman at the passport control informs Ben that his visa expires in one day, so he asks to get in o a tourist visa, But she cant do that. So he says hell go to the immigration place in London and sort it. So we get on the ferry, get breakfast, lay in the sun during the crossing, then drive to London. The immigration place does nothing for Ben, so hes fucked, so we head into London anyway. W park in Lambeth until 6 to avoid the congestion charge. While pissing about in Lambeth we get a pizza and a pint. Trs bon. Then it takes us about 2 hours to drive across London bridge cos of the traffic. Its maddening. So we finally get there, get some drink and food at the squat, then play in a VERY packed and hot room. Afterwards, have a smoke with the Black Tax boys, who also have Buckfast (woo hoo!) and then drive out of London and camp in a lay-by.

Day 16 1in12, Braford With: Hero Dishonest(FIN), Burning The Prospect(ENG), Hangover Heartattack(ENG), Braindead(ENG), Last Under The Sun(ENG), MC Positive Bastard(Eng), See You In Hell (CZ), Homoconsumens(CZ), Feeding Frenzy(ENG), The Mingers(ENG)

So, its early and a nice day, drive to Bradford. Arrive about midday, load in gear then get wired into the booze. Lots of cool bands, particularly Homoconsumens. Play lots of kicker with Alby, watch more bands, get monged, play towards the end and its pretty good, not our best. We decide to elave straight after to get home as soon as possible. But we fall asleep at a lay by for a long time, then its up and back to Aberdeen about 1 o clock, and a good rest is needed. Fucking long time, long drives, feels weird ending it.

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