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Jokes Thread

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perhaps we can start a jokes thread? might have been done before, if so i apologise! ill kick off with this that i stole from a nearby website.......at first i didnt get it and i felt such a retard!

Someone just phoned me up and said,

Im the dandy highwayman who youre too scared to mention,

I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.

I told him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant .......

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perhaps we can start a jokes thread? might have been done before' date=' if so i apologise! ill kick off with this that i stole from a nearby website.......at first i didnt get it and i felt such a retard!

Someone just phoned me up and said,

Im the dandy highwayman who youre too scared to mention,

I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.

I told him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant .......[/quote']

Haha! I quite liked that one.

It would be a difficult one to tell vocally though, you couldn't just say "adamant" normally or it would just sound like a normal sentence, and you couldn't say "Adam Ant" because that would lose the joke.

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Guest MDP
In Vietnam' date=' they will not put up decoration for Christmas.

Instead, they will hang Glitter:up:[/quote']

that joke is technically incorrect, as he will really be facinf a firing squad

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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the

last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a

pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying,

the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari

stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair

and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters

the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the

man tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry

her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay

all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a

townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000

bank account.

If it's twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand

firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again."

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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the

last two months. Very worried' date=' the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a

pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying,

the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari

stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair

and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters

the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the

man tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry

her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay

all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a

townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000

bank account.

If it's twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand

firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again."[/quote']

hahahahahaha

fuckin quality

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How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?

The knocking gets faster and faster.

How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?

She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?

He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?

The doorbell drags.

How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?

His hat says "Domino's".

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ill save this thread with a fucking ace joke.................

2 buns were in an oven,

one bun says to the other "man its hot in here"

the other bun says "AAAAAAAAAAGH a talking bun"

oh yeah, i give my joke 10 stars.

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a blind guy goes into a bar and gets a beer

while drinking his beer he says to the barmiad can i tell you a blonde joke?

the barmaid thinks about it and decides its only fair to warn him that

she is blonde, 6 feet tall and weighs 14 stone,

the lady to his right is also blonde , a semi pro boxer and is drinking with her blonde female coach. the lady to his left is a martial arts black belt and also blonde

she then asks him if he still wants to tell his joke ..

the blind man sits there for a few minites thinking about it and finally says ..

nahh not if im gunna have to explain it 4 times

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Guest bluesxman

An Australian, an Irishman and a chav are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:"My God, it's Jesus!"Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of wkd. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the chav who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus. The guy shouts, "F~~k off !!, I'm on disability benefit!"

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a foreign man goes into a cafe, looks at the menu then says to the waitress..........

"could i have a quickie"

the waitress slaps him in the face.

he asks again "could i have a quickie"

she slaps him in the face once more.

the guy sitting next to the foreign customer taps him on the shoulder and says..........

"i think you'll find its pronounced quiche"

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a foreign man goes into a cafe' date=' looks at the menu then says to the waitress..........

"could i have a quickie"

the waitress slaps him in the face.

he asks again "could i have a quickie"

she slaps him in the face once more.

the guy sitting next to the foreign customer taps him on the shoulder and says..........

"i think you'll find its pronounced quiche"[/quote']

hahahah i do love that one

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