Brymon Posted November 9, 2005 Report Share Posted November 9, 2005 A blonde walks in to a library, the librarian see her and asks softly " what can i do for?"The blonde replies "i would like a fish and chips please?"A bit bemused the librarian says " dont you know this is a library?"To which the blonde whispers " oh sorry can i have a fish and chips please!!"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaAh the old ones are the best ones!!Two Fish in a tank, one turns round to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing"!!!Fuck me im wettin myself!!!hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tensium Posted November 9, 2005 Report Share Posted November 9, 2005 A blonde walks in to a library' date=' the librarian see her and asks softly " what can i do for?"The blonde replies "i would like a fish and chips please?"A bit bemused the librarian says " dont you know this is a library?"To which the blonde whispers " oh sorry can i have a fish and chips please!!"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaAh the old ones are the best ones!!Two Fish in a tank, one turns round to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing"!!!Fuck me im wettin myself!!!hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha[/quote']have you been getting more tattoos? you'll be running out of room soon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brymon Posted November 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2005 Na plenty of room, got a big fat belly. My whole back will be finished soon though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted November 12, 2005 Report Share Posted November 12, 2005 whats black and white and very very hungry?Dimebag Darrel's cat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chi 666 Posted November 13, 2005 Report Share Posted November 13, 2005 thats just not funny. not cos its dime, just coz its not funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted November 20, 2005 Report Share Posted November 20, 2005 but it is funny...I almost wet myself lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psydoll Posted November 20, 2005 Report Share Posted November 20, 2005 You know a thread with this title in the Statue Of Misery forum would've been a lot more volatile a few months back There's perhaps a valuable lesson in the next joke...Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life--until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing...only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, Where did you come from? How did you get here?I rowed from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.Oh, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.But, but, that's impossible, stutters Ed. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?Oh, that was no problem, replies the woman. On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. Ed is stunned. Let's row over to my place, she says.After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?No, no, thank you. he says, still dazed. Can't take any more coconut juice. It's not coconut juice, the woman replies. I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. Wow! This woman is amazing! he muses, What next?When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. Tell me, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know... She stares into his eyes.He can't believe what he's hearing: You mean---, he swallows excitedly, I can check my email from here?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted November 20, 2005 Report Share Posted November 20, 2005 keep em coming, har har har Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chi 666 Posted November 20, 2005 Report Share Posted November 20, 2005 What an anticlimax, good joke but fuck me is tha long Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psydoll Posted November 20, 2005 Report Share Posted November 20, 2005 Talking of which...A blonde walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.So he gives her one. *stolen from a less than reputable source* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 10 cows ina field, which one is Iraqi?the one next to coo-eight.whats the difference between a joiner and a carpenter?one works with wood the other one paints cars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fast Caz Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 Why do witches not wear knickers ?to get extra grip on the broomstick ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hog Posted November 27, 2005 Report Share Posted November 27, 2005 > After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral> of Notre Dame sent> word through the streets of Paris that a new bell> ringer was needed.>> The bishop decided to conduct the interviews> personally and went up to> the belfry to begin the screening process.>> After observing several applicants he decided to call> it a day when, an> armless man approached him and said he was there to> apply for the bell> ringer's job.>> The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!">> "No matter," said the man. "Observe!">> And he began striking the bells with his face,> producing a beautiful> melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in> astonishment; convinced> he had found a replacement for Quasimodo.>> But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the> armless man tripped> and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his> death in the> street> below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.>> When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered> around the fallen> figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard> moments before.>> As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one> of them asked,>> "Bishop, who was this man?">> "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,>> (scroll down)>>>>>>>>>>>> "BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....>>> WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............>>> The following day, despite the sadness that weighed> heavily on his> heart> due to the unfortunate death of the armless> campanologist, the bishop> continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre> Dame.>> The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency,> I am the brother> of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from> this very belfry> yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing> me to replace> him> in this duty.">> The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless> man's brother> stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell,> he groaned,> clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the> spot.>> Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this> second tragedy,> rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?> Who is the man?"> the first monk asked breathlessly.>> "I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop,> but.............">>>>>>>>>>>>> (....Wait for it.......)>>>>>>>>>> (.......It's worth it.......)>>>>>>>>>>> HE"S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chi 666 Posted November 27, 2005 Report Share Posted November 27, 2005 ACE. (pointless talk to let me post my short message) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fright Night Posted November 30, 2005 Report Share Posted November 30, 2005 if i had a fish, i would have it cook my dinner and clean my bath tub Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted December 7, 2005 Report Share Posted December 7, 2005 I laughed so hard i woke the rest of the house up....oops Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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