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Aberdeen - The Condom Capital of the UK!


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http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=15783550%26method=full%26siteid=89488%26headline=do%2dthey%2dfit%2dlike%2d%2dman%2d-name_page.html

DO THEY FIT LIKE, MAN

Jul 27 2005

ABERDEEN is the condom capital of Britain, it was claimed yesterday.

Supermarket giants ASDA revealed their Bridge of Dee store in the city sold more condoms per square foot than any of their others in the UK.

The town that was least protected when it came to sex was Altrincham, Cheshire.

The announcement came as Asda launched a summer condom promotion, with price cuts and buy-one-get-one-free offers

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Guest bluesxman
http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=15783550%26method=full%26siteid=89488%26headline=do%2dthey%2dfit%2dlike%2d%2dman%2d-name_page.html

DO THEY FIT LIKE' date=' MAN [/b']

Jul 27 2005

ABERDEEN is the condom capital of Britain, it was claimed yesterday.

Supermarket giants ASDA revealed their Bridge of Dee store in the city sold more condoms per square foot than any of their others in the UK.

The town that was least protected when it came to sex was Altrincham, Cheshire.

The announcement came as Asda launched a summer condom promotion, with price cuts and buy-one-get-one-free offers

Who is buying them? The amount of neddettes pushing prams down Union Street these days suggests Aberdeen may not actually understand how to use them properly...

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I may be partially responsible for this in a rather long winded way.

Back in May 1992 AIDS and HIV were still big news. The government put leaflets through our letterboxes warning us. People spouted statistics like in Edinburgh 1 person in 12 had AIDS... and everyone in Dundee. I was shitting myself.

So the Aberdeen University Union decided to hold an AIDS awareness evening. Howling Mad Dave Murdoch (my flatmate) and I just happened to pop into the dungeon and they had these sexy girls doing the rounds lugging great big dustbins stocked full with condoms. They were giving the johnnies away for free. Back then a pack cost around 5 so this was a VERY GOOD THING.

Needless to say we both stocked up for life. We were ramming those buggers into every single pocket, into our boots, into the lining of our jackets. We walked out of there with hundreds of packs each.

The next night we ventured down to Stonehaven on my motorbike. On the way back the police pulled us over, probably because the bike was painted like a Rizzla Plus packet. The conversation with the police went like this:

Stern Policeman: Have you been putting patchouli oil on your jacket?

Flash: Excuse me?

Stern Policeman: Have you been putting patchouli oil on your jacket?

Flash: What's pich hooly oil?

Stern Policeman: It smells exactly like hash. If you don't know what patchouli oil is then

that smell coming off you must be hash. Both of you stand up straight with your legs apart and your arms up in the air - we're going to search you.

Of course we had forgotten that we were carrying the guts of a thousand packs of johnnies between us. The poliemen were going through our pockets and empty the contents onto the ground at our feet. It went like this:

Keys, money, student card, lubricated condoms, black condoms, fruit flavoured condoms, ribbed condoms, luminous condoms that glow in the dark, rainbow coloured condoms, arouser condoms, mint flavoured, super safe ones that fitted over both the cock right round the balls, even dental dams... and on and on and on...

Of course we though this was hysterically funny and could barely stand upright for laughing. These little piles of condom packets were forming round our feet and slowly rising up to our ankles as more and more packets were unearthed. The stern, and now very angry policeman was shouting "stand up straight laddie, don't you dare laught at me". He had his had thrust right down into the lining of my leather jacket now. He was feeling a firm lump deep down at the bottom, and let out a cry of triumph "RIGHT!" then pulled out a tube of spermacide 6 inches long, eagerly held it up to his face, then threw it down in disgust.

The other policeman said "Expecting a good night boys", and Dave answered "No we were expecting a Goodyear actually".

So they charged me with riding at 107mph which was utter bullshit.

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