The funniest joke you've ever heard...

[gamestationMonkey]

Here's a long one, and could be vaguely offensive to Irish folks.

*takes a deep breath*

One day, Mick is on top of the Empire State Building in New York. Unfortunately, his view is blocked by a thick layer of smog. Just as he's about to leave, two men approach him with a friendly nod.

"How ya' doin', buddy?" the first announces in an American accent.

"Oh, not too bad, altho' Oi'd be better if the view wasn't blocked by all this smog," Mick replied.

"Yeh, I know what 'cha mean, buddy, but y'know, that smog is so thick that yeh can jump into it and bounce right back up," the American says.

"Ach, ye be thinkin' that cos Oi'm Irish, I be believin' ye. Well, if it's so t'ick, how abouts ya jump off and prove it?" Mick replies, thinking that he has the American cornered.

"Fair enough," the American says, and climbs the fence and leaps off into the smog below. Seconds later, he bounces back up and lands next to Mick.

"Jesus and begorrah," Mick says, astounded, "Do it again!" And so, the American repeats his feat. Mick blinks for a couple of seconds and then nods.

"Well, seein' has teh be believin'," and he climbs the fence and launches himself off of the building, hurtling through the smog and smashing into a bloody pulp on the pavement below.

Back on the top of the Empire State building, the American who hadn't said anything turned to the other.

"You know something, Superman, sometimes you're a real bastard."

Edit: My attempt at typing accents SUCKS.

[HarleyQuinn]

What's pink and spongey?

A pink sponge!

i love that joke ^_^

what do you call a spanish footballer with no legs?

GRASSY ASS (Gracias)

hohoho

[Guest haigyman]

a jewish boy goes up to his dad:

"dad! dad! can i borrow 50!?"

the dad replies:

"40! what do you need 30 for!?"

[Stripey]

a jewish boy goes up to his dad:

"dad! dad! can i borrow 50!?"

the dad replies:

"40! what do you need 30 for!?"

An IDF soldier goes up to the mother of the man he shot to death and says "i didnt do it". The court decides on a manslaughter verdict

http://www.tomhurndall.co' date='uk[/url']

[Lemonade]

A little girl goes up to her dad:

"Dad, can I have 10 to go ice skating?"

Dad - "OK, but only if you suck my dick for it"

So the girl gets down on her knees, get's daddy's dick out, and remarks "Dad, howcome your dick is all brown?"

Dad - "Your brother wanted to go to the cinema".

[Kai]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,

drinking beer.

Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life

withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college

and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who

signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and

Logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's that?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a

Garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think

logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I do have a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family."

"I have a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

have a wife."

"Aye, I dae have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a

heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of

that because I have a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and

leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths,

English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's that?"

Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."

"Then you're a poof."

[Sue Denim..]

Gridlock's Richard Whiteley joke is the best I've heard in days. Unfortunately, someone closed the thread.

Have you no sense of humour? Richard Whiteley would have loved that gag.

[Paranoid Android]

Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" He's got 500,000.

Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1million quid.

"Paddy, for 1million, who was the great train robber"? "Was it,

A, Ronnie Barker...

B Ronnie O'Sullivan...

C Ronnie Corbett

Or ... was it D, Ronnie Biggs"???

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's, "Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer".

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies

and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with 500,000. However before you go,

you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway! .... are you mad!!!" asks Chris. "Are you

mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris .... but Oi'm no feckin

grass!".

[Hog]

dude' date=' thats even more tasteless than i was expecting from you...[/quote']

Yeah, wasnt sure if I should post that but well, Im sure the sicker people liked it

[Wishbone G]

How do you fix a womans watch?

You dont, theres a perfectly good clock on the cooker

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open by the time she brings it.

[Smooth_groover]

A man walks into a pub and asks "How much is a pint of Fosters"?

The barman replies "1.40"

Get it? One Pound Forty ?

[Da Fat Porn Star]

I flew to Holland yesterday with B.A. for a change.

It was a nightmare.............

He kept screaming and shouting, "I ain't goin' up in no

plane, fool!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A primary teacher starts a new job and, trying to make a good

impression on her first day, explains to her class that she

is a football fan. She asks her students to raise their hands

if they are supporting England in the World Cup . Everyone

raises other than one little girl. The teacher looks at her

and asks "Sally, why didn't your hand go up?"

"Because I am not an England fan, miss" She replies. The

teacher looks very shocked and asks "Well if your not

supporting England, then who do you support?" The little girl

looks round the room and then answers "I'm supporting Sweden,

Nigeria and Argentina instead.

The teacher then goes bright red. "Sally, why on earth are

you supporting England's enemies" she shouts.

"Because my mum and dad are from Scotland and my mum is a

Scotland fan, so I am a Scotland fan." She answers.

The teacher is by this time really peed of. "That is NO

reason for you to be a Scotland fan. You don't have to be

what your parents are. I mean, what would you be if your mum

was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict that stole

cars and beat up innocent people?"

The little girl says "That would make me an England Fan"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and

announced that her friend had told her where babies

come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why

don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK ... the Mummy

and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the

Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts

it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and

that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye

to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but

that's not how you get babies. That's how you get

jewellery. "

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the differnce between a van full of salt and a van full of dead babies?

You can't empty a van full of salt with a pitch fork.

[Biz]

Del Franklyn

Del Franklyn was out driving and picked up a blonde hitch hiker...she said

"Ooh you're Del Franklyn the radio DJ , I would do ANYTHING to get a request on your show"...

so Del parked the car, unzipped the jail doors and let out his one eyed convict, and the blonde said " Right here right now?"

to which Del replied "Yeah baby,right here right now"

so she grabbed a hold of it and said "Hello mum,hello auntie Doris.

[JJ 10 Easy Wishes]

what did the spanish fireman call his two sons?

hose A and hose B!

what's the difference between my dog and michael jackson?

my dog is a labrador and michael jackson molests children!

tam-o-shantie:

"why does michael jackson only wear one white glove?

because he's using the other hand to feel little kids up"

although may I point out that michael jackson has been proven innocent on his latest paedophile charges and so is innocent.

[Wishbone G]

although may I point out that michael jackson has been proven innocent on his latest paedophile charges and so is innocent.

but still disturbed

[Da Fat Porn Star]

Did you hear about the Egyptian homosexual?

He was in denial.

[Biz]

why was Cleopatras boyfriend smiling?

because he was gladiator - ( glad he ate her)

[Demon Of The Fall]

what do you do if you see a member of "my downfall" walking towards you with half their face missing?

reload, and shoot again

[Stuart]

How do you sell a dog to a deaf man?

(shouted)DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DOG?

Pete

Mr Inthehills, that may well be the funniest thing I have ever heard.

Also i didn't get the Fosters '1.40' joke... at all.

[Guest Keira]

what do you do if you see a member of "my downfall" walking towards you with half their face missing?

reload' date=' and shoot again[/quote']

Do the "stayover" one!

[midgeski]

how do arsonists loose weight?

by burning calories!

[Sue Denim..]

Some Bogey related jokes...

What do you call a bogey-flicking penguin?

Pingu. (Ping Goo)

How do you make a hanky dance?

Put a little boogy in it.

[Hugh_Jazz]

Three blokes working in a factory, Joe, Pete and Charlie are having a chat over some lunch.....

Joe says, "hey lads, i've got a rather embarassing problem....i've got the most awful case of piles, they're giving me fucking agony". Amazingly, the other two guys are also fellow sufferers, and Joe suggests that he go to the doctor and let's the other two know how he gets on.

The next day, Joe goes to the doctor and explains his problem. "No worries", says the doc...."just strip off and lean over against the bed and I'll be with you in a sec." Joe does as he's told and bends over. Meanwhile the doctor takes a big pot of vaseline out of his drawer, rubs the grease all over his head and then inserts his head up Joe's arse. He shakes it around for a bit, and then removes it.

"There, that's you done Joe", says the Doc.

"Fuck me doc, that's incredible....no pain or anything. Thanks a million"

Next day, Joe reports back his findings to the other guys.....needless to say they are impressed and Pete is next to visit the doctors.

As with Joe, Pete is asked to strip down and bend over.....the doctor greases his head again, and then inserts his head in Pete's arse...wiggles it around and then pulls it out.

"Fucking bejezus"...says Pete. "The pain!! It's gone! Halle-fucking-lujah"!

Pete, obviously delighted, returns to work and insists that Charlie visit the doctor.

Charlie doesnt require a second invitation, and promptly gets himself down to the clinic. Again the doctor, asks Charlie to strip and bend over....while the doctor meticulously coats his head in vaseline.

The doctor begins to insert his head inside Charlie's rectum when Charlie let's off an enormous fart.

The angry doctor stood up and says to Charlie...."you know, it's people like you that make my job hell".

[Guest MDP]

2 fish swim into a wall. one says to the other

"dam"

------------------------------------

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his a**."

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t outta him.

When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**.

We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

---------------------------

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten pound note and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave each other a disappointed look. "I guess you win," said the boy, giving the ten pound note to the teacher.

----------------------------------

So do I

A monkey and a lizard were sitting in a tree smoking pot. After a while the

lizard says, "Man, my throat is dry, I'm going down to the river". So he

climbs down out of the tree and heads to the river for a drink.

When he gets to the river, he slips on a rock and falls in. A crocodile

picks him up and places him on a rock. He then asks, "What are you doing,

you could have been hurt?" The lizard says, "Sorry man, I'm just really

stoned. The monkey and I have been sitting in that tree smoking pot."

The crocodile climbs out of the water and goes over to the tree and looks up

at the monkey. The monkey looks down at the crocodile and says, "shit, man,

just how much water did you drink?!"

---------------------------------

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Little Boy Blue.

Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson.

--------------------------

If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long

---------------------------------------

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.

----------------------------------------

Michael Jackson has been spotted dangling children from a balcony again.

It makes a change because he usually tosses them off!!!

----------------------------------------

A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little heart out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet.

Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson.

"Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story.

A look of pity on Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

----------------------------------------

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

-----------------------------------------

wonder if i over did it on the jacco jokes?

lol

[Dayeth]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says' date=' "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten pound note and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave each other a disappointed look. "I guess you win," said the boy, giving the ten pound note to the teacher.

[/quote']

I like the Priest one, but this is the worst joke I've ever read in my life, am I missing something in it?