Willum Posted July 13, 2005 Report Share Posted July 13, 2005 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?It was dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kan' Sharuminar Posted July 14, 2005 Report Share Posted July 14, 2005 Got a really long one, but I likes it:The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
April Ethereal Posted July 14, 2005 Report Share Posted July 14, 2005 Not really a joke at all but something funny I heard on TV. There was all these sportsmen and women talking about how great it'll be when the Olympics comes to London in 2012 and they started speaking about the different venues and what would be hosted there when one of the panelists comes out with this gem"If the Great Britain wheelchair basketball team walk away witha gold medal, it'll be unbelieveable!"Unbelieveable, yes. And illegal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdman Posted July 14, 2005 Report Share Posted July 14, 2005 a hunter is searching for some decent animals to shoot in the woods, whilst steadily making his way to the deepest area of the forest he comes across an extremely hot and an extremely naked woman lying on the ground by a tree.he stares at her with a steady gaze, she smiles at him slyly and fondles with her hair, then the hunter says:-"so hunni, are you game?"with that the naked minstrel replies in a crooning voice:-"i sure am honey pie!"He then shoots her in the head with his shotgun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodast Posted July 14, 2005 Report Share Posted July 14, 2005 You didn't get that from a 2 year old copy of the american Maxim did you?Not intentionally... I may have got it from someone who got it from there though, you never can tell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluesxman Posted July 20, 2005 Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill? Arthur Scargill hasn't seen a miners helmet in over 20 years.Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"Knock Knock!Who's There?Little boy blue!Little boy blue who?Michael Jackson!!What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A Michael Jackson slumber party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midgeski Posted July 20, 2005 Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 why are pirates called pirates?they just Arrrrrrrr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClicheGuevara Posted July 20, 2005 Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 Two oranges walk into a bar. One says to the other, "you're round".(I've never written it before, kinda ruins it deciding between your or you're) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skacel Posted July 20, 2005 Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 whats the difference between an egg and a wank?u can beat an egg but u cant beat a wank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest haigyman Posted July 20, 2005 Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 some guy: doctor! doctor! i can't get "what's new pussycat?" out of my head!doctor: hmmm, sounds like tom jones syndromeguy: is it common?doctor: it's not unusual... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted July 20, 2005 Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 Linford Christie is looking to join a golf club. He finds this lovely course quite near to his house so he goes into the club house to join up."Um...sorry Sir, but we only take on white people at this club.....but there's another fantastic golf course just 10 minutes down the road where I'm sure they will let you join", the Club Pro tells him."But I'm Linford Christie!" he cries back."Fine...5 minutes down the road then."Baddiel and Skinner last night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotchief Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 Linford Christie is looking to join a golf club. He finds this lovely course quite near to his house so he goes into the club house to join up."Um...sorry Sir' date=' but we only take on white people at this club.....but there's another fantastic golf course just 10 minutes down the road where I'm sure they will let you join", the Club Pro tells him."But I'm Linford Christie!" he cries back."Fine...5 minutes down the road then."Baddiel and Skinner last night.[/quote']YAY someone else was watching baddiel and skinner unplanned i prefered the one about how dave gets his t-shirt alll wet that was funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulscoconutass Posted August 3, 2005 Report Share Posted August 3, 2005 "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest onlynik Posted August 3, 2005 Report Share Posted August 3, 2005 "Bless me Father' date=' for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads."[/quote'] I'm sure that was in a film i watched recently Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted August 4, 2005 Report Share Posted August 4, 2005 why are pirates called pirates?they just Arrrrrrrr I've heard that one many times and it still makes me laugh...hmm...What has two legs and bleeds?Half a dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Pel Posted August 4, 2005 Report Share Posted August 4, 2005 What's brown and sticky?A stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Jack Posted August 4, 2005 Report Share Posted August 4, 2005 What's brown and sticky?A stick.I refer the honourable gentleman to his earlier post' date=' number 25 in this very thread...[/url']Anyhoo...Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married.The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one".So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checktablecloth.It took him two hours to pass me the salt.He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as acondiment".Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to packmyself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You'reclosest".The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Get my drift?".So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with ared rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, Iasked for a-ROMATIC duck".But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered acompetition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril itwill give birth to a litter of twiglets.Now did you know all male tennis players are witches... Greg, Andre; both witches. Goran, even he's a witch.So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted August 4, 2005 Report Share Posted August 4, 2005 What's black and blue and hates sex? The baby in my boot.What does the average pakistani weigh? Sweets! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulscoconutass Posted August 4, 2005 Report Share Posted August 4, 2005 The European Commission has just announced an agreement wherebyEnglish will be the official language of the European Union rather thanGerman, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded thatEnglish spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will makethe sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear upkonfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when thetroublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f! ". This will make words likefotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted toreach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which havealways ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag isdisgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining!"ou"and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tuunderstand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in zeforst plas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
succubitch Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 heres a llama theres a llama and another little llama fuzzy llama funny llama llama llama duck llama llama cheesecake llama tablet brick potato llama llama mushroom llama llama llama duck i was once a treehouse i lived in a cake but i never saw the way the orange slayed the rake i was only three years dead but i told a tale and now listen, little child to the safety rail did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on a llama llamas llama tastes of llama llama llama duck half a llama twice a llama not a llama farmer llama llama in a car alarm a llama llama duck is that how its told now? is it all so old? is it made of lemon juice? doorknob ankle cold now my song is getting thin ive run out of luck time for me to retire now and become a duck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 Doesn't quite have the same comedy value without the flash or even the music.And spot the sad case who typed it all out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Jack Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby...etc...Ooh...unlucky...http://www.aberdeen-music.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398247&postcount=81 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
succubitch Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 Doesn't quite have the same comedy value without the flash or even the music.And spot the sad case who typed it all out! I didn't type it out, but just for you:Fat and docile, big and dumbThey look so stupid, they aren't much funCows aren't funThey eat to grow, they grow to dieThey die to be met at the hamburger fryCows well doneNobody thunk it, nobody knewNo one imagined the great cow guruCows are oneHe hid in the forest, read books with great zealHe loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary vealCow Tse TongueHe spoke about justice, but nobody stirredHe felt like an outcast, alone, in the herd.Cow doldrumsHe mooed we must fight, escape or we'll dieCows gathered around, cause the stakes were so highBad cow punBut then he was captured, stuffed into a crateLoaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fateCows are bummedHe was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozyNo one suspected he was packing UziCows with gunsThey came with a needle to stick in his thighHe kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eyeCow well hungKnocked over a tractor and ran for the doorSix gallons of gas flowed out on the floorRun cows run!He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hayWe are free roving bovines, we run free todayWe will fight for bovine freedomAnd hold our large heads highWe will run free with the Buffalo, or die...Cows with gunsThey crashed the gate in a great stampedeTipped over a milk truck, torched all the feedCows have funSixty police cars were piled in a heapCovered in cow pies, covered up deepMuch cow dungBlack smoke rising, darkening the dayTwelve burning McDonalds, have it your wayWe will fight for bovine freedomAnd hold our large heads highWe will run free with the Buffalo, or dieCows with gunsThe President said "Enough is Enough!These uppity cattle, its time to get tough"Cow dung flungThe newspapers gloated, folks sighed with reliefTomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beefCows on bunsThe cows were surrounded, they waited and prayedThey mooed their last moos,they chewed their last hayCows out gunnedThe order was given, turn cows to whoppersEnforced by the might of ten thousand coppersBut on the horizon, surrounding the shoppersCame the deafening roar, of chickens, in choppers!We will fight for bovine freedomAnd hold our large heads highWe will run free with the Buffalo, or dieCows with guns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ()Papaspyrou() Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 What's the differnce between a van full of salt and a van full of dead babies?You can't empty a van full of salt with a pitch fork.Thats the sickest thing i've ever read. I dont know whether to congratulate you with your gross thoughts or maim your face off with an ice pick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 what's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?Christopher Walken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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