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screamingzombiehell

viz top tips

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here are some quality viz top tips for everyone to share !

FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.

DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a 50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

ATTENTION shandy drinkers. I've found that mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic 'reverse shandy'.

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My cousin had a top tip printed once. It was something like "Adjust the temperature of your bath water by adding varying amounts of hot and cold water. But remember, there will always be an overall downward trend in the temperature."

Sadly he now develops DAB radios, so his skills have been lost to the world of comedy, perhaps forever.

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SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past' date=' wink conspiratorially and touch your nose

[/quote']

This reminded me of a great practical joke: If you tear one of the white threads out of some gaffa tape and stick it to the paintwork of a car, it looks just like a deep scratch.

Do it to your Dad this weekend for father's day, he'll love it :up:

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