New Disorder Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 ------------------------------------------------------------------------Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...it's priceless.A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....) Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
modsquad Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 that was beautiful. the idea of sending cat shit through the post... genius. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam 45 Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 haha brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skacel Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 what did he win? free cable from ntl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laxton's Superb Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 haha...that is an inspired letter!particularly the bit about the 'satisfyingly moist' cat shit, awesome!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 Yeah, I read that ages ago, it's class...My favourite bit is when he describes them as "a useless shower of bastards". What imagery! Brilliant use of language. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laxton's Superb Posted March 17, 2005 Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 hmm...i wonder what the chances of the rich aroma being at it's pungent best were, the effects had probably been lessened after sitting in an envelope in the back of a transit van for a few days.....dissapointing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ 10 Easy Wishes Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 that was ace. i love well written letters that insult companies. yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachie Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 That made me chuckle muchos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil_kazzy Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 I wrote a letter like that to my bank and got 100 compensation...so good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachie Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 She got the woman at the Garthdee ski-slope sacked too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil_kazzy Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 That made me chuckle muchos I'm sure that wasn't entirely me....This happened After:This But, err... the two are probably not linked :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachie Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 Which is why you came out of the lecture this morning brandishing the newpaper at me Although I dunno if it's the same issue they're addressing anyway.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sturtpot Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 good for him!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gumpy Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 She got the woman at the Garthdee ski-slope sacked too.hardcore Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan G Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 what a fantastic read! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Tristen Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 Having worked BT faults I can tell you I would have personally seen to it an engineer was on that guys doorstep the next morning if he was that ammusing on the phone. The majority of Britain seems to think the best way to get anything done is a half assed argument that I can run rings around when I'm lying drunk in a gutter, then when that fails make with the shouting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laxton's Superb Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 i would be tempted to send something similar to O2, useless fucks.....how did this get the recognition (it deserved) as best complaint though? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New Disorder Posted March 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 I'm not entirely sure. To be honest, I stole it from another message board. It made me laugh though, and seems to have had a similar effect on some of you guys... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Invisible Lead Soup Posted March 18, 2005 Report Share Posted March 18, 2005 i would be tempted to send something similar to O2' date=' useless fucks.....how did this get the recognition (it deserved) as best complaint though?[/quote']02. What a useless pile of extrement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Good complaint letter... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Beautiful.Oh god...I can see Blue... he's... glorious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
succubitch Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Having worked BT faults I can tell you I would have personally seen to it an engineer was on that guys doorstep the next morning if he was that ammusing on the phone. The majority of Britain seems to think the best way to get anything done is a half assed argument that I can run rings around when I'm lying drunk in a gutter' date=' then when that fails make with the shouting.[/quote']I know the feeling, I work for NHS 24. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
succubitch Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 just been shown this.http:///uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/oa/speeding.pdf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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