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[Flash@TMB]

Originally Posted by DustyDeviada

Getting back to the subject of big turds, I find that the major problem in producing a big dump is gravity. Unfortunately the sheer weight of the dump will break it in half before it hits the water.

I've conducted some in-depth research on the matter, and I find that toilets in the US are best for producing big jobbies - the water in the bowl is typically higher up and offers a soft landing, thus preventing mid-shit breakage.

I took some photos of my work the last time I was in New York which I can post in the gallery if anyone is interested.

Fuckin right! Please post them in this thread.

German toilets are weird. They are lower to the floor so you have to strech your legs out, and shit from a sort of reclined position. They also feature this little dry shelf just under your bum and above the water line, that the turd is displayed on for inspection until you flush the toilet. The water jet sits at the back of this shelf and hoses the turd quite violently into the well below where it churns and froths around until exiting via the U-bend. It's great stuff. Particularily if you adapt your diet to achieve the best results: for instance swallowing whole peanuts, then 4 hours later some beetroot, then topping it off with cream and sweetcorn after a further 4 hours have elapsed produces an incredible multitextured and multicoloured shit.

[Flash@TMB]

Originally Posted by Biz

Paid would suggest us actually getting paid as a headline band - not just a 3 way split of the door money - all of which will be provided by punters which we have pulled in by acting as Promoters too. I really think it is time to change the music scene in Aberdeen back to what it was - with bands getting paid decent fees by venues

Until 3 years ago I would have agreed with you. In fact I recall posting something similar on this very forum around 3 1/2 years back. But, with a little more experience to draw on, I'd like to completely retract those comments.

Firstly the simple economics. On Friday we had a DJ. The bar was very busy, especially between 11pm and 1am. Last night with your band playing was not as busy, and we took less money over the bar. So given that you believe the band should take a share of the bar takings, would you also be prepared to share in our LOSS. A loss that is made heavier because we paid for a sound engineer, a stagehand, and an extra bar person just in case it was busy.

Looking back through our figures there are few instances where live music produces sufficient extra bar takings to cover the cost of putting on the gig. Which is why some venues raid the door money... because they have every right to. We're not a fuckin charity.

No venue in this town makes any money. Even the Lemon Tree was in the paper for running up substantial debts, and they have it easy! If you pull our books of the Internet then you'll discover that neither Laura of myself have ever been paid a wage, or taken any money from the business. Despite more than doubling the turnover, and receiving regular cash injections (around 2/3rds of our income is poured into this black hole), the bar has only just started to break even. Last financial year it made a whopping £5,000. Whoopdeedo! That's a whole 20p an hour. Every other year it's lost around £20,000. So at this rate we'll be on an even keel by 2047. It's more akin to running a very cost effective party than a business. All of this information is in the public domain.

And - turst me - everywhere else is in a similar or worse situation. So cut out the whiney grasping crap. We've already lost one damn good venue.

Originally Posted by Biz

NOT getting brow beaten into paying to get their partners and friends in by greedy fuckers like Paul Kef

Yeah I'm having champers on his yacht next Thursday. Moshulu Robb's flying us all out there in his helicopter.

[Flash@TMB]

Originally Posted by Moshulu Rob

Jamesy here... Secondly, you need to get over this carpet thing.

My favourite ever restaurant was the original Fortune Chinese at the bottom of Crown Street. It was BYOB, and the bogs were on par with The Neptune. The door to the gents was hanging on one hinge, and on the floor they had these really sticky orange carpet tiles. I recall once, on my way to the toilet, one of the carpet tiles stuck to my shoe, and came up off the floor. But the food was great.

The Sloe Club and The Venue both had sticky carpets too. It was part of the appeal. Sticky carpets mean that you are in a good honest down to earth club where people can have fun, spill their drinks, and occasionally puke on the floor without getting chucked out. For every fucker that moans about the carpet, there are another ten silent people like me who prefer it sticky.

[Metarie]

yep, I'd agree with you there. If you don't like sticky carpets then don't spill your drinks. And if you say you don't you're a liar, everyone has kicked over a pint accidently or stumbled over the cube stools in Moshulu carrying 4 Aftershocks and ending up covered in them, as I remember doing when I was younger.

[Biz]

GET IT UP YE

ticket prices for the fall are.

£16 for each single day

or

£28 for a special two day pass
Very surprising, having read the accounts of him showing up late, staggering around stage bleezing, detuning guitars and being an arse at The Lemon Tree, like one or two others I winna mention.

I would hardly describe myself as washed up - something to do with lack of facilities.
Dinna get me started about food, ESPECIALLY SOUP, I expect to be served food which at least resembles it's description, AND I want clean tablecloths and cutlery.
That gives me an idea, how about me doing a little food and whine column in Fudge Fanzine?, you would love it, it would give establishments marks out of ten for punter friendliness, deducting points for lame toilet facilities, plastic table cloths with smears, and whining managers complaining about how little they earn.
ME? offering private lessons in horizontal jogging with lady band members?, whatever next? , establishment owners complimenting each other on their inadequate facilities? promoters doing their jobs instead of passing the buck to the artists?, he he he, it's great that so many people are exposing themselves in a new light, I never realised that hanging around in seedy ill lit toilets viewing fecal matter was such a popular pastime involving international travel and a strict eating regime, I am well known for speaking shite, but not for speaking about it, keep those insults coming, it's the sort of thing that normally costs £1.50 a minute, but the band coffers are a wee bit low the noo, mind you we had an EXCELLENT view of the Lunar eclipse outside the Moorings, I hope to see it repeated next week, we could use Flashs record breaking nutsack to recreate the historic occasion.
See ye doon Peep Peeps toilet cubicle for a special accoustic set by 16again.

[Teabags]

this thread is crap.

im sure the mirror in the ladies is ace. but this thread is pish.

[JF9TP2]

BIZ, stop talkin shite. jamesy, spot on.

i had noticed the non stickyness of moshulu latley... its great not having to pry your feel off the ground

[stuartmaxwell]

this thread, actually just BIZ, is hillarious.

he may type like pa broon and he may appear to be going off his head, but its entertaining. getting pwned by jamesy anf FLASH@TMB is also quite funny.

great thread. more please

[Afro Droid]

Why do people moan about the (ocassionally) sticky floors in 'shulu; but get all misty-eyed and nostalgic over the constantly sticky floors in The Palace?

I'd like to petition for a full-length mirror in the gents, or I'll have to continue sneaking into the girls bogs to admire myself.

[Flash@TMB]

Originally Posted by Jonny Lucifer

Why do people moan about the (ocassionally) sticky floors in 'shulu; but get all misty-eyed and nostalgic over the constantly sticky floors in The Palace?

I'd like to petition for a full-length mirror in the gents, or I'll have to continue sneaking into the girls bogs to admire myself.

We could mirror all 4 walls of the cubicle for that full 360 effect. At least then you'll see why we keep moaning about the builders bum and frontal pubage in your trapping pants.