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[JaseyBoi]

swine flu = pigs flew no?

[Nefarious C]

Originally Posted by JaseyBoi

swine flu = pigs flew no?

Dude, it was just a put down. I'm sure he gets the joke.

[jon]

I'm worried about this swine flu lark, I've come out in a rasher.

[John W]

A man comes out of the airport and gets into a taxi, tells the driver his destination and they head off. twenty minutes into the journey and out in the middle of no where the driver pulls over and tells the passenger to get out. The driver proceeds to push the man to the floor, beat the seven shades of shit out of him, and take his money. The victim scrambles to a near by town and into a hospital.
after months of recovery the man is in great condition and on another trip. He come out of the same airport and looks at the taxi rank. at the very end, he sees the driver that beat him up and mugged him, the man has an idea, he heads to the first driver, opens the door and says "hey mate, can you give me a blojob?" the driver quickly refuses and tells him to fuck off, he moves down to the next driver "can you give me a blojob?" this driver says the same as the first. The man quickly works his way down all the taxis until he gets to the one where he was mugged, opens the door, gets in the taxi and tells the driver a destination, as they drive off he looks out his window with a great big thumbs up to all the other taxi drivers.
___

A man going away on a business trip fears his wife will cheat on him while he's away, so he heads to a local sex shop and explains his situation to the owner. "i have just the thing says the owner, follow me"
The owner takes the man through the back and takes out a box, inside the box is an average looking dildo, "no" the man says "i need something special my wife will love so she will not cheat on me!" the owner nods and replies "voodoo dildo.... Door!" immediately the dildo flies out of the box, and Starts humping the door, "PERFECT!" says the man, pay for the item and rushes off home to give it to his wife.
A week into the business trip, the wife is feeling frustrated and decides, she is going to try out the present from her husband, she instructs the dildo "voodoo dildo, vagina", and enjoys it's enormous pleasures, but soon she notices, she can't get it to stop. and is mindlessly humping eveything, having called her husband he comes frantically back from his business strip, throws his wife in the car with the dildo and rushes to the shop. A police officer sees the man speeding and proceeds to pull the man over,
"Thank god officer! we have a problem"
"I don't care sir, do you know how much you were speeding?"
"NO! you don't understand, my wife has a voodoo dildo and it won't stop!"
"Pfft, Voodoo dildo my arse..."
____

Common effects of drinking too much.
Symptom: Cold and humid feet.

Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring lager on your feet).

Remedy : Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

--------------------

Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause: You're lying on the floor.

Remedy: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

--------------------

Symptom: The floor looks blurry.

Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.

Remedy: Quickly refill.

--------------------

Symptom: The floor is moving.

Cause: You're being dragged away.

Remedy: At least ask where they're taking you.

--------------------

Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause: You have your glass on your ear.

Remedy: Stop making a fool of yourself!

--------------------

Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause: You're in an ambulance.

Remedy: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

--------------------

Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.

Cause: You're in the wrong house.

Remedy: Ask if they can point you to your house

[Surfer_Rosa]

What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt?







Petits-Filous

*works best when said in Mr T voice

[Dayeth]

Originally Posted by jon

I'm worried about this swine flu lark, I've come out in a rasher.

hahahaha

[cap'n euan]

Originally Posted by Surfer_Rosa

What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt?







Petits-Filous

*works best when said in Mr T voice

Haha, that's one that definitely works better in person but still good!

[Lucky Rathen]

Originally Posted by JaseyBoi

swine flu = pigs flew no?

Originally Posted by Nefarious C

Dude, it was just a put down. I'm sure he gets the joke.

I didn't actually get it. Fuck me I feel dumb now.

[Trigger]

A woman getting out of the shower slips on the wet tiles with her legs going in opposite directions. She hits the ground chuff first and the water causes a vacuum and sticks her to the floor. Upon finding her, her husband asks what's wrong.

"I'm sucked to the floor by my vagina" she says. Her husband replies "Right, I'll go to the shed and get a hammer, if I can smash the tiles underneath you it will break the vacuum and you'll be able to just stand up." After deciding this is the best idea, her husband starts rubbing her boobs.

"What the fuck are you doing, you said you were going for a hammer!"

"I am" he says "but I reckon if I can turn you on I'll be able to slide you into the hall, the tiles are cheaper out there".

[Dan G]

A lorry load of tortoises collided with a truck full of terrapins.

It was a turtle catastrophe.