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English Essay "appaling" and "grossly inappropriate" -
07-03-2008, 20:37
We just had to write a short story. 700+ words, as a pass or fail dealy for Higher english. after posting a simplified version of this on b3ta a while back, it had a good reaction and thought my teacher would approve. i was wrong
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY The air was thin and crisp. My nostrils twitched and my red smudged eyes blinked as I woke up. Suzi had left the window open and the house was already banging, hissing and shouting. I rose to my feet. I showered and I shaved, I combed and I sprayed and I splashed and I swore. The chaffing on my thigh had not cleared up, and prior to this fresh bout of eczema I was informed my by local GP that I had joggers nipple. In spite of this, as I made my way down the stairs I was in a positive frame of mind. It was my birthday. I am now 37 years old. I pass my ancient father on the way to the kitchen, and years of heavy smoking and drinking had laid waste to whatever youthful exuberance he once had. He didn't say a word to me, on my own birthday. Well, what could I expect? He was a senile old bastard, a working class drone, one of those members of the silent majority that would have shot that burglar a third time. I shrugged this off and put his indifference down to him never having liked me fo as long as I remember, and why would it change today? There were times in my youth when he claimed I wasn't his, that I was created in a test tube as a cure for the common cold...but I digress... I won't lie. My wife of 6 years. I was expecting a "Happy birthday" from her. Maybe a small token of her love and affection for me. But she barely managed a hello, let alone any elaborate gesture of appreciation for the man who gave her two children, a lovely home in Chelsea...but no. She remains buried under pots and pans, towels and cloths... "The children" I thought, "Surely they will remember" I heard them bound down the stairs enthusiastically, skidding around corners like something out of Nascar. But less hygenic, louder.. I expected some crap macaroni picture from the boy, or a lazy dvd effort from my eldest Luci, something I'll never watch..but not even that. They gobbled down the contents of their troughs then left for school. I reached work feeling now somewhat despondent. No one had remembered my birthday. I always made an effort when it was someone else. Even my mother-in-law, as cruel as she was fat, a lady who couldn't be more unpleasant if she was twice as ugly as she is now, which would be very ugly indeed. No I even made an effort for her. So why had no one remembered mine? As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane greeted me enthusiastically: "Morning sir! Happy birthday!" I grinned a little and murmered thank-you's. I couldn't let her see that those four words had been the highlight of my day. No, not her... Jane was a very handsome girl: not pretty, no I don't think I could call her pretty. But yes, she did look nice. She had curves. Shapely legs, tremendous breasts, and the face and mouth of a whore. A lifetime younger than me, but still too old to not consider a possibility. No, she definitely wasn't pretty, but Jane was attractive. Imagine my excitement then, to see her dirty blonde hair and come-hither eyes peek round the door. "It's one o'clock sir. Seeing as it's your birthday would you like to come join me for lunch?" Naturally, being the filthy old man that I am, I jumped at this chance. "Why yes, that'd be lovely Jane, one tick and I'll get my jacket" is what I think I said. But what I really thought was: "Why yes, that'd be lovely Jane. i'd quite like to vent my lust on you by way of some sort of illicit affair, completely neglecting my wife who has grown fat and repulsive since she spawned my bastard offspring" We didn't go to a cafe, but a very posh bistro with a private booth. We enjoyed nice food, and even had martini's to mark this very special occasion. There was a spark, not dissimilar as to when I first wooed Suzi. As I glanced at my watch, it was then she leaned forward "It's still a while 'till lunch hour is over...would you like to come round to my flat for coffee? It's just around the corner.." I could feel myself having heart palpatations. I twitched my nose. "Em, yeah sure, why not?" "You know why not" I thought "You have a wife and kids, and you're kidding yourself on you're going for coffee. Do you know what coffee means outside of a coffee shop? It means SEX. Not sex, but SEX, in big bold capital fucking letters. You're a horrible man" As this kept playing on my mind we had already reached the flat. Nice, post modern fancy furniture job. I noted to myself that I was clearly paying her too much and that I must dock her wages after I had slept with her. "Sir, I'm just going into the other room for a moment, make yourself comfortable won't you?" I nodded. Wiping sweat from my brow, my heart was now thundering timpani beats from the inside of its cage. Jane entered once more, holding a birthday cake, and preceding a line of all my friends, co-workers, family members, my wife and children... And I just sat there Sobbing... Naked... and erect... |
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08-03-2008, 00:03
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The lesson is... don't trust people on the internet. Except me  |
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08-03-2008, 00:19
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I did notice a wee bit of "Filth" at the start blatantly nicked. I remeber I wrote a story in standard grade which ended with a BOOM!, thats juvenile! |
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08-03-2008, 00:31
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If anyone needs any advice on may fly mating patterns, we'll give you a bell Warden. I've wasted years of my life on this pish, so I'll criticize all I like! Humbug! |
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08-03-2008, 00:34
Juvenile?
I'm a 16 year old boy, who doesn't claim to be a remarkable author nor a comic genius. its bound to be in parts i was just trying in vain to inject some light humour into the forums, instead of purely posting band-related things, which is what i usually do. och well. different strokes. |
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08-03-2008, 15:26
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