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[Jake Wifebeater]

Time for a new joke thread, here goes:

Wee Tommy's visiting his grandparents for the weekend, he's out in the garden, and his grandad says:

"Tommy, see this worm? It just came out of that tiny hole there. Well, I'll give you a tenner if you can pop it back down the same hole it came up out of."

Tommy takes the worm, thinks for a minute and disappears back into the house with it. He comes out half a minute later and effortlessly slots the worm back down the wee hole in the ground. Grandad watches on amazed, then hands Tommy his tenner. Tommy says:

"Actually grandad, I cheated. I put some hairspray on the worm to make it go rigid, so it was no bother to put it back down." Grandad says:

"Hoho, well done lad. You showed a bit of initiative, so you can keep the money anyway, good lad".

Tommy visits his grandparents again the following weekend, and grandad gives him another tenner. Tommy says:

"But grandad, that was last week. You gave me a tenner then for the worm trick, don't you remember?" His grandad says:

"Oh I know that, but this tenner's from your grandma."


And a quickie:

Why do men hold hands with their girlfriends in public?

If they let go then the bitch will start shopping.

[Paulscoconutass]

Asked my deaf mate how his weekend was last night, he said it was quiet, although he did go to a rave where everyone was talking about him.

[SteveCrisis]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No" she said,

"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde ."

[SteveCrisis]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

“No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

”What's your name?" she asked.

”Lagertits," he replied.`

[Scorge]

An elderly couple are 69-ing.

The man says "I have to stop, it's fucking stinking down here" to which the woman replies "I'm sorry, it's my arthritis"

"You have arthritis in your fanny?" says the man, "no, in my arm" says the woman, "I can't wipe my arse".

[Camie]

I'll get torn apart for being a tad sexist but:
Q.Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A. Because she's a woman.

[Red Neck Man]

A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

[Brymon]

A man is lying in bed finding it hard to sleep, so he gets up and stands by the window and rolls a rollie. He then opens the window and sparks up his rollie.

Two minutes later along comes an elephant, stops outside the jewllery shop across the road, smashes the window with his trunk, sucks up all the jewllery, then fucks off.

Shocked by this the man looks down at his rollie!!

When the police arrive one policeman starts interviewing the man.

"So what did you see?" Asks the cop.

The man not sure wether it was lack off sleep or whatever procedes to explain it to the cop.

"Well this may sound a bit crazy, but an elephant came along, smashed the window, sucked up the jewllery then fucked off!"

A bit concerned the cop asks,
"Was it an Indian Elephant or an African Elephant?"

"How the fuck am i supposed to know that?" Asks the man

"Well" the cop replies "Did it have big ears or small ears?"

To which the man answers

"Fuck knows he was wearing a balaclava"!!!!!!

A quickie

Two fish in a tank, one turns around to the other and say's

"D'you Know how to drive this thing?!?!"

Ah the old yins are the best yins!! No joke thread would be complete without Two fish in a tank!!!

[Bodast]

What's wrapped in tin foil and climbs churches?

The lunch pack of Notre Dame.

What's black and plastic and sails the seven seas?

Binbag the Sailor.

[SteveCrisis]

Originally Posted by Bodast

What's wrapped in tin foil and climbs churches?

The lunch pack of Notre Dame.

What's black and plastic and sails the seven seas?

Binbag the Sailor.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

What's gray and comes in pints?















An elephant