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[Sam L4]

Originally Posted by Red Neck Man

I hear the smoking ban isn't going down to well in Glasgow. Apparently a Pakistani man was caught smoking in Glasgow Airport......his name was Sinj Majeep.

I hear they named the airport bomber. His name was Sinj Maheed.



I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up

in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot

nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[thegreatcornholio]

Originally Posted by Red Neck Man

I hear the smoking ban isn't going down to well in Glasgow. Apparently a Pakistani man was caught smoking in Glasgow Airport......his name was Sinj Majeep.

In other news.....

Police have named the Glasgow terror attack suspects: driver Singed Majeep and passenger Massif Burntheed will appear in Court tomorrow. They are believed to have been taking part in the Muslim festival of Ramavan.

[WoodyRATM]

I got sent this earlier, it made me laugh..

John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
John said, "Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!"
Jim says, "Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz. Di ye wanna try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed.
The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. He says, "Hey, how ye feeling the day?"
John says, "Smashing! Fit about you?"
Jim says, "Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?"
John says , "No that jet fuel is just the dogs bollocks! -- nae hangover,
nethin. We shid dee this mair afen"
Jim says "Aye, well there's jist the one thing."
"Fit's at then?"
"Hiv yi farted yet?"
" Er, - No"
"Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in fuckin Norway!"

[Slutbags McGee]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts
talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,
the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into
having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for
him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on thebar:
a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue.....salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very
pleasant.
He thinks.........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits.

.....At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty
snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down, he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

My old boss sent me that... charming! ha ha

[Toasty]

Whats the difference between a bowling ball and maddi mccann ?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball

swoooop !

[Red Neck Man]

What's pink and smells of holly?...



Ian Huntleys cock.

[Dayeth]

Apparently 8 muslims died on the way to Mecca.

I fucking love the Bingo.

[Chris]

Just a reminder about the posting guidelines you all agree to by using this site:

Material that is or could be construed as pornographic, racist, homophobic, libelous or in bad taste is not acceptable on this web site and will not be tolerated. The web site’s staff will be the sole authority in deciding what does or does not violate this rule.

I understand this is a thread about jokes, which has pretty much saved this thread from interference so far, but some of them are going too far.

Tone them down a bit please guys or the thread will cease to be.

[Toasty]

Yeah you may get banned for complete racist jokes implying your racist


pfhhh

[Slutbags McGee]

Wowsers they finally caught on... ha ha how many days banning do you think you'd get Calum for each and every joke you've put up ha ha ha ha ha


What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal makes your hole weak!