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[Diesel]

Originally Posted by The Ghost Of Scorge

An elderly couple are 69-ing.

The man says "I have to stop, it's fucking stinking down here" to which the woman replies "I'm sorry, it's my arthritis"

"You have arthritis in your fanny?" says the man, "no, in my arm" says the woman, "I can't wipe my arse".

You cunt!

You're fucking fucking claimed!

I was eating my breakfast when I read this!

Fair made me cowk!

[Diesel]

Originally Posted by Biz

NORTHERN LAUGHS
LIVE COMEDY @ CAFE DRUMMOND
SUNDAY 1ST APRIL
DOORS OPEN 8PM
ENTRY £5 (£4 STUDENTS)

VLADIMIR McTAVISH
GRAEME THOMAS
STEVEN DAVIDSON
CARLY BAKER
GUS TAWSE (MC)

erm...I don't get either of those jokes

[Diesel]

Mental Hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving A car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne !"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip? "Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."

That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?" To which Ed replies,

"Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne ".

[Diesel]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.


"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."


The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"


The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."


Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"


The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."


The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"


The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"


The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"


"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

[Diesel]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now."

[Paulscoconutass]

Two paedos down at the beach, first one says to the other, "excuse me mate, you're in my son".

What's the main cause of paedophilia? Sexy Kids

What's the best thing about shagging kids? Their tiny hands make your cock look massive!

What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A rotweiller in a playground.

Domino's have just released their emo pizza, it cuts itself.

How do you fuck up an emo? Give it a knife.

Why did the emo cross the road? His girlfriend dumped him and he wanted to make it evident to the passing traffic.

How d'you get a leper out of the bath? With a seive.

The pakistan cricket team have split up, they're trying bob-slaying instead.

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Want to post jokes on Aberdeen-music instead?

[Scorge]

Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife's dead.
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What sparkles like a diamond and fits in a young girls ring?

Gary Glitter.
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About the 15 British people captured in Iran: 14 were men, 1 was a woman.

Who was reading the map?
----------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are involved in an awful car crash but the wife comes off much worse. Her husband offers to give blood as this is her only hope of survival. Thankfully the transfusion goes smoothly and she makes a full recovery however they later go through a terrible divorce in which the husband demands everything he has ever given her back including his blood.

The wife reaches down her trousers, pulls out a bloody tampon and throws it at him screaming: "There you are you bastard, I'll pay you monthly".

[french_disko]

Q. What do you get if you cross a pirate and a robot?














A. Aaarrrgggh 2 D 2.

[Jan Deal]

Originally Posted by french_disko

Q. What do you get if you cross a pirate and a robot?














A. Aaarrrgggh 2 D 2.

This is the best joke I've read in about a million years.

[Teabags]

What do you call a punk with no girlfriend?
Homeless

How many punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Punks don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in squat toilets