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[Teabags]

Originally Posted by KORESH

two guys sittin by the pool watchin the swimmers .

"c'mon, £50 quid says i'll beat you to ten lengths" one says.

"you're daft, we're here to socialise,plus you've nae arms or legs" the other says.

"bollocks....GO!!!" and their in the water, game on.

guy with limbs does his length and comes back to find his pal groaning in pain.

"you allright?" he asks

"Aww, what a time to get cramp" he replies.

I fucking pissed myself laughing at that one. As did my brother.

[Diesel]

Walking down Union Street the other day, I came across a guy selling The Big Issue....

"Knock, knock" - I said

"Who's there?" - He replied

"Are you not supposed to be homeless?"

[Savant]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[Savant]

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say "ass" so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple".

This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet. Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny.

''R is for rats - big FUCKING rats, with twelve-inch cocks!''

[Slutbags McGee]

Two pregnant women are sitting together, knitting.

The first one says "I hope it's a boy, because I've only got blue wool"

The second woman says "I hope it's a spastic, 'cos I've fucked the arms up..."

[Toasty]

Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a tan?
A. A tan doesn't dissapear until after the holiday.

Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Elvis?
A. More people believe Elvis is still alive.

Q. What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
A. Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

Q. What have the parents of Madeleine McCann and Rhys Jones got in common?
A. They both know where their dead child is buried. - This is possibly the best one i had heard yet !

Q. What's dead and not newsworthy?
A. Madeleine McCann.

Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and the Jews?
A. The Jews have some chance of celebrating this Christmas

[Jake Wifebeater]

Toastie, you legend...

[unbroken]

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

put it in the microwave till its Bill Withers.

hands down one of the funniest jokes i have ever heard.

[Ziggylynch]

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there’s no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.
"That's very good" replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see..... A blink!" said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye” That’s a very popular cliché? For speed.” He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard
To beat the speed of light", he said. Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question “After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,
Said the Aussie."What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie,"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."
He got the job...

[Savant]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He
asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way
out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his
suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming
too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".