[Diesel]

Folks,

Watched the worst movie ever made last night - "Torque".

Never in my life have I witnessed so much crap stuffed into just 90 minutes. Good old Sky Movies, they can always be relied upon to air at least one complete no-brainer per evening.

For those not familiar with this movie, it's basically "Fast & The Furious" with bikes and ALL credibility thrown out the window.

I won't cover the plot - there wasn't one, but I would urge everyone to watch this movie as it is so bad it's laughable and any subsequent movies you watch will seem like masterpieces (I watched Gregory's Girl immediately afterwards - brilliant!).

Here are some of the characters: -

Hero - Yuppie biker, martial arts expert, acrobat and stunt rider (just like real life)
Heroine - Beautiful, blonde, model-quality custom bike shop owner (just like real life)
Baddie 1 - White scowling bike-gang leader
Baddie 2 - Black scowling hip-hop-gangsta bike-gang leader - called Trey (played by that wonderful, talented thespian, Ice Cube - who keeps casting this non-actor?)
Baddie 3 - Trey's idiotic young brother named - yes, you've guessed it - Junior.
Baddie 4 - Played inexplicably by useless English actor Max Beesley, who's crap in everything he's in.
FBI Agent 1 - 24-year-old "Special Agent" with pin-stripe suit, baseball boots and a Hummer (just like real life)
FBI Agent 2 - 18-year-old beautiful black girl (just like real life)
Numerous slack-jawed yokels, pumped up "homies" and skimpily-dressed beauties.

Fast and the Furious was dumb, but fun and at least it had the presence of Vin Diesel. This mound of sh!te clearly takes the piss out of it's low-brow target audience.

What really murders this movie are the stunts - they have no "wow factor" at all, it's more like "Aw, gie's peace, for f**ks sake". They are so ludicrous that they make James Bond's stunt seem almost plausible.

Another thing that p!sses me off about this movie is the use of guns - do they hand these things out like confetti in America?

Anyway, please watch this movie - get some beers and a big pizza, call up your mates and piss yourselves laughing at the ineptitude of it all.

DAL